A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in my early 30's and have met a lovely guy in his late 20's.. however I am worried he is closet gay. As soon as I met I thought gay, the way he looks, hot but pretty, his clothes, his maner everything, he told me he wasnn't we kissed and had few dates. We even slept together which was good and for that few hours put my mind at rest, he seemed into it! But since then I keep questioning it. Every pic he looks gay, he crosses his legs, drinks through a straw and is so girly!It sounds awful, but it really puts me off. I am use to alpha tattooed up men, who are in bands and all sexy. he is lovely, hot and sweet and I do like him, but I can't get past this, is he really gay thing? I showed some friends pics and they are all like he is 100% gay. I also asked friend to meet us and she said same thing. I asked him and he assures me he is not and that is whole life people think he is. I feel like he is going to be a fabulous best friend... any advice?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 June 2012):
 I have worked with guys who are 100% hetrosexual loving husbands and honorable fathers to their children. But they dress nicely, sometimes very nicely, and reject the overt sexual offers from predatory females,who know they are married.
As a result a disappointed female may then label them as gay, only because the advances were rejected.
Then these same men speak softly and seem very gentle with their families, and are loving in a family setting. that does not denote gay.
They continue to have a hetrosexual orientation.
Conversely I have worked with wise-cracking manly glorious looking men who are absolute adonis material and would be comfortable in any macho male setting. who even flirt with the girls. And are 100% bona fide gay and much loved by their male partner/s.
I really do not think one can determine sexual orientation just by looking. Then there are the people who are bisexual.
He slept with you and he was into it. Sounds hetrosexual to me.
Though the hesitancy may well be based on something from his upbringing or his past experiences.
His own actions, not the gossip and rumours of friends will be more accurate pointers to observe.
But if you really do not feel comfortable with him then at least be gentle with him in the way you banish him from your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2012): If he acts more submissive than you and you act more assertively around him plus the age difference then one thing to consider (but not raise with him as it would be sensitive to him) is the fact that he may have been abused in the past and been manipulated by abuse to be more submissive. Try to just enjoy his company and build up the trust between the two of you. He would have to trust you to a high degree (if he has been abused) before he would reveal it. There are women who abuse boys and there are signs of abuse. what you have described is common. Google abuse by females and you will see what I am trying to suggest. It is a big step for him to want to seek out a woman who is not abusive.
One suggestion is to encourage him to take a more dominant role and support and praise him when he can do this. As it will help him grow in confidence.
There is much shame held deeply inside by men who have been abused by women and learning to trust a woman in a real relationship is a big step forward in the healing process. He has sensed good in you and feels comfortable and able to trust you, which is a good thing
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 June 2012):
Hi there. It's a tough one, since it seems that it's very obvious that he could be gay, but doesn't know it yet.
I have never had this happen to me, and it must be very worrying, I'm sure.
Have you ever seen how he is towards other men, while you are out together?
It could be a clue.
And if he isn't gay, well then perhaps he just has some feminine ways about him.
To say the very least, it must be incredibly offputting.
It could definitely make you lose concentration, couldn't it?
Perhaps most of his life, he has had mainly female friends, rather than male friends.
Another possibility, could be that he has more female hormones than male hormones, making him feel perhaps that he is more female than male, if you get what I mean.
It does happen.
Usually it's probably more extreme though.
You read about people sometimes, who feel they are in the wrong body.
This might not be him, exactly, but it is kind of unusual just the same.
I think that because of how you feel about this, it could come to the point for you, where you decide to just have him as a "girlfriend" type of friend.
Is he masculine at all, his body shape I mean?
In any case, it is rather unusual to say the least.
I do believe however, that because he is this way, it will prevent you from having the kind of relationship with him that you really would like.
It's kind of sad really, because as nice as he is, each relationship he has probably goes the exact same way.
Ultimately, you have to make a decision about it.
And as you feel weird about it, you might have to cut out the sex side of things so he doesn't get too emotionally involved and doesn't get hurt.
It does seem that he has some kind of identity crisis happening, at some level because it's just NOT typical masculine behaviour, is it?
And the hard part is, you can't change how he is.
I think just follow your heart here.
Do you know what kind of work he does for a living?
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