| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I am currently having a long-distance relationship with a man 7 years older than me. He is 30 years old. I am a student in college. We were physically together in a relationship for about a year, but have been taking it long-distance for about a year and a half, since he had to move to a different country for his work. I am going to visit him in a few weeks time- we have been visiting each other about every three months, though only for a few days each time. I am thinking of moving in with him on a more permanent basis but he seems reluctant, as he suggests 1)that it is possible that the dynamics of our relationship changes and therefore that we do not take it for granted that this would be a permanent move, 2)that I should go home to visit my family after a month of staying with him, 3)that we may change our mind about each other in the period that I stay with him. He has mentioned on some occasions as a joke that he loves only himself. We have patterns of him not calling, and then calling everyday (and more)-the hot-cold pattern it seems- and this has happened again recently. He has not called me in the last nine days, though he did respond to one of my phonecalls (I made several). However, he sounded bored and tired in this phonecall. He has not replied to my emails, where I have tried to lighten things up with jokes, etc. Is he trying to tell me something, and should I stop calling/emailing? I would be grateful for any advice that you might have. Thanks for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Sounds like his message is pretty loud and pretty clear. It's "don't call me; I'll call you".
Let's recap:
* He warns that a move in with him might not help the relationship.
* He's already telling you to visit family, and you're not even there yet!
* He thinks you'll change your mind if you live together.
* He's already warned you that he's a bit self-centred (only loves himself).
* He calls when he feels like it, but doesn't seem to care much if you call.
* His demeanour can be inappropriate (bored) when you call.
* He doesn't feel obligated to return your calls/emails.
Given all that, I'd say that, for whatever reason, he's reconsidering your relationship. The sensible approach in a case like this is to take a giant step back and check his reaction.
I think you should level with him about your concerns. Tell him outright that you've noticed the change in his attitude, and that you'll be giving him some space to decide what happens next, because you shouldn't have to be the one making all the contact. (And you shouldn't.)
If he really wants to be with you, he'll make more of an effort. And if he doesn't care anymore... then you deserve to know that he doesn't, so you can decide about your response to that.
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