A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my bf and i have been together for almost 3 years.I have been finding that he keeps lying about looking at porn and i know for a fact he has as i have found the evidence and have even herd him getting off to it while he though i was in bed asleep and i found the mess the next morning :(.It really hurts me and bothers me and i feel betrayed by him doing this, i see it as a form of cheating. In the past i have told him how it makes me feel and he always responds by saying "get over it" "i dont look at porn to get off" "build a bridge" "you have issues".I have never accused him of looking at it, i always ask him if he was, i never yell at him and i never say i feel cheated, i have told him how it makes me feel as a person but its like he does not care.Its really destroying my self confidence and i hate having to go home each day to a man who lies and a house full of porn. I have though about leaving him as no matter what i say he just keeps lying and looking at it. can any one help me out here , i just dont know if i should move on and find someone who has abit more respect for me? or should i try talking to him again? i just dont know what else i can say to get him to stop,please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): Why the heck should any woman compromise on this sad issue. Its beyond me that you seem to think women should stay in relationships with men who clearly have NO respect for women at all. Not therir girlfriends, wives, mothers, sisters etc. Why...BECAUSE PORN is an industry that supports the idea of women vbeing nothing more than slabs of meat...Porn supports the idea that women need to look and behave a certain way to be sexy. It denies the true beauty and worth of ALL women.
A
male
reader, Moocow +, writes (21 July 2006):
I'm a bloke and blokes love porn. The internet has openend up a whole new world of porn, making us very curious and to a guy, is like a kid in a candy shop. We are designed and programmed to be visually turned on and with such easy access to all of this porn some guys have become obsessed.
However, there is a definate line between a healthy interest and becoming obsessed. Please believe me though, it is not cheating in our minds.
The porn industry is fantasy. All designed to appeal to the male mind in order to make money. But it can suck people in (no punn intended). All guys will say they'd love to be with a 19 year old nympho who wears stockings and suspenders, screams dirty words and does every position imaginable.
But believe me, in the cold light of day thats not what we want.
It annoys me when people say "leave em, move on, kick em out, your better than that.
That is so easy to say when there is no emmotion attatched to the situation. You have feelings, love and a life together. Its not as easy as that.
OK then, you have to do some straight talking. Both get out of the house on your own and go somewhere where you can sit and chat. (Don't be sarcastic, but ask to 'build bridges'.
Keep calm and put your thoughts and feelings accross. Write them down in bullet points if you may get flustered or forget. (One reason why he denies what he is doing is because he is embarassed and ashamed).
You need to tell your guy;-
1, you know what he is doing, please don't deny it. (not being honest hurts as much as him looking at other girls).
2, you know that lots of guys look & thats ok - but not till 4.30 in the morn.
3, your worried about is health / lack of sleep etc
4, it hurts you that these sites turn him on & you feel that you don't
5, regardless of what he says, these are your feelings and they are making you very unhappy. Ask if it bothers him making you hurt like this?? It bothers you, you need to bring this to a conclussion so you can 'deal with it'.
Now then, the compromise / agreement.
Keep digging and find out what he likes. Chat and don't ask in an accusing way cause he will clam up & go back to denial. (This way you can get some ideas of your own on what he wants, the things that you may like and what you can do).
Tell him whats ok to look at, when and for how long. Offer this suggestion to him as a compromise. But if he goes outside of the agreement then this will show a big lack of respect to you and your feelings.
My dad told me years ago, the perfect female partner has 4 qualities - 1 part mother. (we loved to be looked after). 1 part best mate (talking, travelling, doing loads of different things like best friends do). 1 part mistress. (mad sex, crazy stuff that makes the 2 of you blush in the morning) and 1 part lover. (close, rubbing, touching and whispering sweet things, giggling and kissing). Yes we guys love this just as much as you girls. Start slow, go a little crazy in the middle and slow again.
So, this is my advice from a guy. So, now you can turn this situation round and get closer. Don't only find out his thoughts on what turns him on but tell him yours.
Compromise. Might not be totally what you want but its better that before.
Don't go at him like a bull in a China shop because he will keep denying all. Talk and try to listen, it will all come out.
Now go and show that guy what he's been missing, your a girl for goodness sakes, we blokes are suckers for girls!!
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (12 July 2006):
 He has proved he is not interested in your feelings about this. He feels accused by you and so refuses to comprimise about this behaviour that is very obviously hurting you psychologically.
If he will not listen when you try to talk to him once more then you need to make some serious decisions....can you stay with somebody who will not listen to how you feel and COMPRIMISE or do you get back your self respect and make a new life and move on?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): Sweetheart, You (and every other woman out there whos husbands are doing this) deserve a hell of a lot better. Men will often accuse women of having low self esteem or being insecure if she objects to porn BUT the truth is that low self esteem often causes women to allow this behaviour.
No woman should have to put up with this crap. To a woman who feels it is acceptable I say thats entirely her business (although personally I could never condone an industry that encourages men to view women as slabs of meat and decides that beuaty in women is dependent on being no older than 25 and having 'p[erfect ' body parts) They have no idea what true beauty is and they encourages men to lose touch with that too.
My point is, its making you feel like shit. Right??? Its destroying your self esteem and self image. Right???
There are men out there who have respect for women, who know what true beauty and love is, who recognise the lies that porn feeds. (sure ladies they are few and far bewteen....we'll have to share them lol)
Cut your loses, wish him and his porn women well, takes your child and build a better life, one where you are in constrol of how you are treated and what is (or isnt a part of it) Lifes too precious, we all only get one short.
I really believe this is your only path to happiness. A man who uses porn is simply clueless as to how to understand women......Sorry, I know its harsh but I am sick to death of these dickheads who think porn is some type of male entitlement, its pathetic.......(to think that any of us women even give them the time of day)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to the people who did respond, bevola reading your story mad me really sad and if i had the evidence you did and if my bf was looking at it as much as your man was then id leave, i guess im lucky my man does not look at it everyday and i know his not addicted to it but it still hurts that he lies about it to my face. if he was to admit he uses porn to get off then id leave him, but he knows that would happen and thats why he lies about it every time, so i give up,if he wants to get off to beautiful model look alike girls instead of laying in bed next to me, fine, but he wont get any sex from me again!
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A
female
reader, bevola +, writes (7 July 2006):
Hi
I know how you feel, I've been in a relationship for 15 years, infact I am the only women my boyfriend has ever slept with. I feel I should tell you a little about myself, I am 39 I have a bowel disease, and have psoriasis, so as you can imagen I am pretty insercure ( please keep reading this is going somewere) I have known for some time that my boyfriend has been looking at porn on the internet, It didnt realy bother me at the time, as sometimes i couldnt be botherd with sex, and I would rather have him wanking at porn rather than cheeting, infact I blamed myself for not giving him enough sex, dont get me wrong i'm not a prood i enjoy great sex, i dress up for him (even though i dont feel very attractive) we've done everything in the bedroom, and once in the fridge, but thats a different story. What I'm trying to say is it's not like we have boring mishonery position sex. Recently I've been conserned about the amount of porn he's been looking at, I was shocked to find out his computer was no more than an electronic jazz mag, he has an obsession with young girls(teens),teens in nylons,virgins, young perfect beautiful girls,as you can imagen this makes me more insecure, i dont have a very high oppinion of my self to start with, this is what hurts, to think he would rather be with those girls insted of me. Anyway not so long ago i had it out with him, he was looking at the stuff every night,any time i was busy doing something,having a bath, shopping, out with our son, he was up there wanking him self stupid, so one day i went on his computer and deleted all his porn files,videos and pictures, i also destroyed all his backups, oh yeah he had it all backed up on disk! he said he had a problem, and was sorry, i explained that i wasnt against porn, in moderation, hell i have porn d v ds of my own for gods sake , anyway he took his modem out of his computer to make a statement, eventhoug i knew he had files still on the machine that i couldnt access, i persuaded him to put his modem back in, out of guilt i suppose and now he's at it every day again. I don't know what to do, i dont whant to drive it underground. Its become an obsession for me, I work from home and my works suffering, as every time he go's to work i'm up there on his computer, having a look at what he's been wanking to, its ruining my life, and my relationship. Its not the fact he's wanking every night, its started to affect our sex life, one time when i was having a period i gave him a blow job, and i'm not blowing my own trumpet here (pardon the punn) it was a blody good job, i was going for over an hour and i couldt make him come, this pissed me off and i went off in a strop, he made loads of excuses, but i am realy worried that i am not going to be enough for him, this is realy starting to affect me now. I know he's only a man and they say this dose't mean any thing, but what about my feelings, why should i feel so usless, ugly and unloved, i realy feel like shit. I dont know what to do, he is such a great guy, this is his only fault, he's kind, gentle, a wonderfull father, everything a girl could want, its just the bloody porn. Sorry for waffeling on, but i have no one to talk to about this, i feel much better for getting this off my chest, so as you can see i sympothise with you. thanks for reading this, I just felt it had to be said, if they just knew how much they hurt us. Sorry for the spelling, never been very good at that(unlike the blow job!)
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A
female
reader, sammie +, writes (6 July 2006):
 hya hunni i think that you should give it one last try to talk to him just let him no that you hate the fact that he is lying about it when you no that he is watching it and geting of to it becaue you hav heard him many of times and the thing that annoys you more than anything is that he is lying to you and then if he admits it ask him y he needs to watch it when he has got you i mean he is a bloke and most of them watch it i dont no why but i think its a man thing they get kinda drawn to it maybe you could suggest watching one with him one day as that can really spice up your relationship and you will feel more close to him c if you like it and then if you do then he has no excuses to watch it on his own if you get what i mean hope this help you hunni i do no how you feel i was in the same kinda situation a while ago if you want to speak to me again feel free to send me a private email ok hunni take care xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): Hi, i noticed that the heading of this question is abit incorrect, sorry but i did not mean that he masterbates in bed next to me while i sleep, i ment that he sits in his study infront of is computer as gets off to porns till 4.30am and he thinks im asleep in the next room.
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