A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for 8 months now,although i have known this man for 9 years.I am very confused,i think he may be in love with his best friend(m).His friend is a single gay guy,who i am certain is in love with him.Before we started seeing each other we had been single for 4 years. I think during this time his friend became like a partner to him, even though he insists he is not gay. Within weeks of seeing him he had asked me whether I would ever consider using a strap-on! Now i know that doesnt make him gay, but it's a little forward after just a few weeks. He couldn't get an erection at first, although he has no problem now, so that could have been nerves.He was telling a story once and mentioned that him and his friend had been lying on his bed and then he quickly backtracked and said it was only because the friends living room was inaccessible that they were on his bed together. My bf is a very typical man, 6'4,dominant etc. I have invited his friend round for dinner a few times and he talks about my bf like I would talk about him, what he likes to eat, what films he watches etc.I once seen my bf touch his friends arm and it was so gentle and looked very intimate,i felt as though i had been hit.I also dont like the idea that i may be breaking this friends heart because i like him very much and i cant bear to think of him hurting. I could cope with it if they had had a rel before, but not if my bf is in love with him. It may seem selfish, but i don't want to share his love I need him to love only me like that. I genuinely dont think he is gay but then I dont believe in gay/straight/bi. I think you fall in love with whoever you do, regardless of gender and anytyhing else.What should i do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): I'd ask him if he's had a sexual amd/or romantic relationship with his friend. If he answers "yes," I'd ask him if it's finished with it, and if you can trust him to understand and respect what you consider the boundries of your relationship with him to be. Assuming you want him to stay out of anyone else's bed other than your own, ask if he can honor that. I wouldn't confront him in an accusing way -- try to be accepting of who your bf really is. // BTW, I can say from personal experience that some men enjoy an occasional sexual experience with another man -- but do not feel romantic feelings towards the other man, preferring instead to have an emotionally intimate relationship with that one special woman. To your bf, any sex he may have had with his male friend may have been emotionally meaningless to him -- though it sounds as if they are good friends on other levels. (Jeez, this is complicated!) I believe we are all "bi" -- but how much we lean one way or the other depends on lots of factors. Good luck!
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 I'm sorry it has taken me so long to answer. I hope I can be of help to you.
First, you're not damaged, and it's not true that no one is ever going to love you again. These are thoughts we have when we don't feel love and appreciated; we feel it's our fault. It's not your fault. I don't know how you are, but, judging from your post, I am pretty sure you're not to blame for any of this.
I don't want to be judgmental, but, I need to say that, in all likelihood, your boyfriend is indeed gay. Maybe this is because I'm from Latin America, but, I can't imagine anyone straight who will go to a male friend's birthday and spend the night in this male friend's bed until 2:00 a.m. "watching movies". I would believe your boyfriend if he said they were drinking, or talking about women, or watching porn; but, I just can't believe two men were in bed together and they are not gay.
Your boyfriend already knows about your being suspicious that he is gay. Your question about where he slept, and his answer, leave no doubt in this respect.
I have known about gays who marry women and have children with them because they can't take the pressure that society puts on them and want a "cover". I am afraid this is the case with your boyfriend.
If he cared about you, he would have gone to your house when you said you needed to talk to him. It was awful of his to say he was "watching movies" (again) as a reason not to be with you at that moment.
Maybe he is a good person and he treats you right in all other respects. But, whatever the case might be, you're not happy at all. A relationship that makes you feel you can't talk to your partner about an issue in particular, that makes you feel uneasy and sad, unworthy of love, et cetera, is not a good relationship.
If I were you, I would leave this man. Not because he's gay, but, because, as you correctly put it, he won't love you the way you need to be loved.
But, you need to be very careful about this, as you obviously love him very much. Perhaps you should discuss this issue in greater detail.
Take care, and don't ever feel you're not worthy of love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts not going well , i put the kids to bed early so that i could have a chat with him but he still hasnt arrived .I txt him and he says hes going to be another couple of hours at least as hes at his friends(the one im worried about)watching movies.I sent another one saying i cvouldnt wait , that i was gonna burst if i didnt talk to him soon but he ignored me so i sent another one saying 'fair enough just giv me a missed call when you are on your way' so he said 'k', i feel so hurt again , im trying not to be so insecure but its not working.I feel like nobody in the world is going to love me ever again , im damaged goods. What do i do ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks for answering , i really need as much advice as i can get on this! I would care if he was gay because i could not spend my life with someone who could never love me fully and i think being gay would stop that , while sex is far from the most important thing in a relationship it does play a large part.
You are so right , i am going crazy , i havent been able to eat since friday because this is affecting the way i feel soo much.He came round last night , things were very strained , i wanted to talk to him but as usual i couldnt , i never can im so scared of upsetting him.
I have asked him round tonight and i am going to approach the subject carefully , but im not quite sure how ?? i have to tell him , i am so stressed and that in turn is affecting my children and i said if that ever happened i would put a stop to it straight away , they are the most precious things in my life.
It was his friends birthday on friday and he said he was going to stop over maybe , i asked him where he slept , he said the sofa but yesterday he said that he didnt get to sleep till nearly 2am as he had been lying in bed watching tv!! i didnt ask him if he had stayed or gone home , i was to scared of the answer. Anyway i will keep you posted and let you know about tonight , wish me luck !!
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (23 September 2007):
 maybe, this friend does love your bf but that doesn't mean the feeling is recipricated.
your boyfriend and his friend know things about each other, i could tell you every last detail about my best friend and her me but i'm certainly not in love with her.
you nned to talk to your boyfriend because you'll go crazy, reading things into things and at the end of the day, only he can tell you the truth.
good luck, and approach carefully.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 September 2007):
First things first: I doubt anyone would consider you selfish for not wanting to share a person's love. I understand that this wish for exclusivity is one of the traits of true love between the members of a couple.
Your post suggests that you don't care if your boyfriend is gay, or straight, or bisexual; you just want to know for sure whether he loves you. And, his being involved with someone else would mean that he doesn't really love you.
I think you should talk to your boyfriend about the interest you perceive in his friend, and how it makes you feel insecure. If your boyfriend loves you, he'll do something about it.
Your talking to your boyfriend, of course, will suggest that you think he is gay or bisexual. Maybe he won't like this implication.
Take care and keep us posted.
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