A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey All, I am a mess right now, took a week off from work to really deal with this. Here’s the situation, I have been dating my GF for almost 3 years now. We have been through a lot and we became quite comfortable. She still calls me her best friend. Well she comes from a very structured household (11:00 pm curfew at the age of 22). I do my best to show her a good time even with that time limit. Everything was amazing up until about September.In September she had a taste of freedom. She left the house for an out of state internship and was able to really live it up (go to clubs, party). I supported her in it because this was something she never had! We did have a few disagreements here and there. I did end up taking space from her because my life was a wreck (non-relationship stuff) but she was neglecting me as well. She never cheated on me and we pulled through it. She took off from her internship one week and came up to visit me, We had a blast and the relationship felt better than ever.After going through all that (there’s a lot more to it but I'll keep it short) and she was settled back home and back into “parental supervision”, she started telling me how much she missed it down there. She did have a good time, but I was just happy to have her home. I can’t remember when it was but we sat down and on a whim talked about marriage, and moving in, etc. She seemed indifferent to it and I seemed certain of it.I really wish I never said that, and I want to try to explain to her that I’m not ready for either of those. It was something that came out from pure emotion and not something I really thought about it before hand. I was just so caught up in the moment, and all my friends, and all her friends, are in serious relationships and are following down the path that I suggested. I now realize, neither of us really wants to go down that road yet, we are too young.The “Not Break”A few days ago (Sunday), my girl and me went out to celebrate. We had a fantastic time! She drank a lot and was asking to go mess around in the bathroom! There was an issue though, she started texting this guy and was having a full out conversation with him while we were on our date. I did get a little upset and decided to talk to her the next day about it. I’m not worried about anything actually happening because the guy lives in another state and I trust her. It was just the principle.She wished me good night, she seemed a little slow to say “Love You” when I dropped her off at home. When I got home, she texted me good night saying she loves me had fun etc. The next morning we talked about how great last night was. Then, I brought up the texting thing. She admitted she had a texting problem and almost immediately asked for “space”.I said let’s try talking, and uh yeah that didn’t go to well and now we are “together but not talking”. I think the texting thing was really what ignited a fuse to some stuff she’s had bottled up. She admitted to me in the course of this that a) there’s nobody else b) she cares about me and wants to stay with me c) she’s not ready for a serious relationship like marriage-talk d) she is under a lot of pressure from everywhere e) she just wants to be aloneWhen we discussed the terms of the “non-break”, I asked could I be with another girl and she started crying like crazy! We both agreed that we would remain mutually exclusive to one another. Exactly as it sounds, “together but not talking”, we kept the bf/gf titles and so forth.After that, no talking for a couple days, we had a conversation that was along the lines of she’s confused. She feels smothered at times, she thinks she knows what love is but wants to be certain, she feels like a bad gf and wants to be a better one, she pointed out things I need to work on, she reiterated that she feels like “she hasn’t lived life yet”, and there is just a lot of pressure coming from school and elsewhere. She said that this break will hurt for a while but it might be what’s best for us. She also mentioned she wants to slow the pace of the relationship down, and just have fun again (like the beginning).My InterpretationI have read and reread emails, texts, messages and so forth to see any indication of this and it really came from nowhere (she admits that). I think she just needs to sort things out in her life (it is insane right now what she’s going through). She still says I am her best friend, and looking back I really wasn’t acting like one. I need to be there for her more (I work 50+ hours/week now). Whenever we talk again, I’m going to insist on getting a gym membership to her gym (I have a home gym), and just go there as “friends”. Leave the couple nonsense at home and just work out together, let her talk and complain about her day. I think that’s what she really needs, a best friend and a distractor again. Back in the beginning of our relationship we had school as a common ground to vent our frustrations, to hang out, go to lunch, and most importantly see each other almost every day (even if it was for 15 minutes).Of course, I will need to make it clear that I am not ready either for marriage or moving-in. I haven’t had the chance to explain that to her. It was something on a whim. She really needs to hear me say that I think. I’m not sure how this will get resolved. But right now, I know she just wants to be alone. She had a very difficult exam today, and I know she’s been stressing over that. On Sunday when we were out she said she probably should have stayed in to study and done some homework. I am starting to see how she can feel pressure with the relationship, since she has so much going on in terms of school right now. I think the whole marriage talk + our friends moving down that road is also complicating things and making her put up walls.I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me, I see it in her eyes, I know she feels it too. We celebrated our 33 month anniversary 2 weeks ago! (yeah we still count months). She sent me a long message about how much she loves me and how great our relationship is (this was before school really got going). I just think, she’s got to sort things out. The gym as a distractor seems like a good idea to me and just slowing everything down will be best for not only her but me as well.What do you all think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell all texting from her has completely stopped at this point. I sent her an email over the weekend saying what I wanted from life and that I wanted someone there to build memories with. I reassured her that I'd support her and respect her decision for space.I think I might just text her tommorow and try to have a casual conversation. I think before the weekend, I am going to call and figure out what's going on.I have grown alot from this (I joined stuff I wanted to do, quit a stressful job and so on). Ultimately, I think she really is bored. I think it's time that I just take her out and keep her out past her curfew. I am tired of her parents, they like me, so you know what, enough is enough. The curfew is ultimately hurting our relationship. It stops us from doing alot of things together.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 That's good, I think you're handling it well. I would say there is definatly something there, otherwise she wouldn't have called you and she wouldn't be texting you good night.
She also doesn't want you to tell your parents so that shows she most likely DOES want to get back together and she doesn't really want people to know you're on a break.
It really does sound like her head is all over the place at the moment. Stress can do that to people. So you're doing well by giving her the benefit of the doubt and giving her space. It sounds like when she is ready she will come back to you, and she will probably keep calling and texting just to make sure she doesn't lose you. She must be very confused and hurting right now, as I'm sure you are also, as she loves you and wants to be with you yet needs space and time away from the pressures of a commited relationship. These conflicting emotions must be difficult. I'm sure it must be hard for you, you really want to be with her and repair your relationship, yet feel hurt, confused and rejected because she is pushing you away. It will be hard to keep a rational head, but this is the best way to handle the situation.
You're doing well, by giving her space and it seems to be working as she is contacting you. Keep an open mind and try to keep patient. She knows how much you love her and she will come around.
One other point though. If she does continue to need space for an extended amount of time, ie weeks and weeks into months, at some point you will have to say enough, is enough, do you want to be with me or not. It is one thing needing time alone and space, it is another to keep a guy in suspense, waiting for her to call. Give it some time. If you start to feel that she is stringing you along, tell her that you love her but that she can't expect you to be waiting around forever, as it is messing with your head and your emotions.
So in summery, give her the time and space she needs, but at the end of the day look after yourself. If she does truely love you, she will not let you go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to follow up, she did message me and we kept it short. We talked about how the day was and how her exams were (she was stressing about that), and she asked me if I told my parents what was going on. I said I mentioned something to my dad but that was because I needed to talk. I didn't give details.
She seemed to get upset at that and thinks my parents hate her now. I assured her they don't. We concluded the convo by her just saying she needs space, and I told her I understand and I am here for her when she wants to talk. We wished each other luck at the gym and that was that.
This brief conversation gives me hope. She didn't mention changing the rules of the break, and since she's worried about what my family thinks of her, I think that shows there is something there.
I will continue to give her space, I have only texted her twice since this happaned Monday, a "good night/good luck text" and a "good morning text". She has texts me "good night" if I don't.
I'm hesitant to really express any feelings to her at the moment, she knows I care, and I think that would only scare her more and bring up unnecessary emotions which may confuse her.
I thank everyone thus far for the advice, its really helping me sort my life out and put things into perspective.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (11 February 2011):
Ok, take a deeeep breath.
I can hear how much you love this girl, you really do. She is a very special and lucky girl.
She has said that she loves you, wants to be with you, wants no one else, was devastated at the suggestion of you being with someone else(bad thing to say btw it would devastate me if immediately after I suggested a break with my boyfriend, he asked if he could date another girl, ouch). This girl does love you and care about you, it seems. She has not given you reason to believe otherwise.
It sounds like she has some serious pressure and stress to deal with at the moment.
I know what that is like as I am in my 3rd year of Uni. This makes me very stressed and sensitive. As much as I love MY boyfriend, when we have little arguments or he doesn't understand how stressed I am, I sometimes think I need a break from him. This is NOT because I want to split up or be with anyone else and no way would I want to risk losing him. But sometimes life just gets toooo much. When I have so much going on and so much to worry about, the last thing I need is a boyfriend who adds stress to my life. But of course he has ups and downs too, but when those downs coincide with mine, at this moment of high stress in my life, I want to push him away, just so I can breath! It is NOT that I want to do this, but that the amount of stress and anxiety I have, I want to push EVERYTHING away that adds to the stress. This is a form of self protection. When stress levels get too high, this can cause mental and physical illness. Again, you can trust me that I know this.
So what she needs right now, is love, understanding and most of all space. No pressure. Just patience and the knowledge that you love her and will wait for her and give her the time she needs to go through what she is going through. She needs to sort her head out.
Sure you might have scared her with the marriage stuff. You might have made her think you doubted her fidelity with the texting thing or that you were trying to control her. Either way you were unwittingly pressurising her. Unfortunatly this was just bad timing on your part, as she has these other pressures.
I know it might be very hard for you, to give her space. You love her and are really missing her. You must feel hurt and really sad that she doesn't want to talk or spend time with you. You may even question her love for you, afterall if she loved you, would she push you away?
All you can do now, is give her the benefit of the doubt. Try to understand how hard things must be for her right now. She has so much stress with exams and family pressure to do well I'm sure. Try to see that however much she loves you, she needs to have some time alone. If you keep trying to speak to her and ask for time with her, this may feel like pressure to her again and push her away. As hard as it is, you must respect what she has said to you, and give her the time she needs. That means don't contact her at all. Wait for her to come to you.
Maybe meeting in the gym is a good idea, but don't call her tonight and suggest it. Give her time to come to you. One suggestion I have that might help, is in a day or so, send her a text or email, keep it casual and short. Just say, you understand how much pressure she is under and you are sorry of you have done anything to add to this or have not been supportive of her, and that you didn't mean to do this if you have. Say you love her, want the best for her and will give her the space she needs. Say you will wait for her, and if she wants to talk she can call you. Wish her luck for her studies and exams.
Leave it at that.
Ultimatly, if she does not come back to you, she is not the girl for you. She may well call you tomorrow to talk things through, you just have to leave the ball in her court and have faith in her, and your love. You've been together 3 years so you must have something special there! Keep hope and stay strong. Get on with your life being the best man you can be, for yourself and for her.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 Three words sprang to mind reading this...
She
Needs
Space
Yet you don't seem to be giving it to her... The more she pulls away, the tighter you seem to grasp. That's not the right way to deal with someone who needs space.
But that's just my 2 cents.
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