A
male
age
41-50,
*rini
writes:Here is my situation, first the background information: I've been talking to this girl for about 3 months now, shes 20 and I'm 27. She lives with her parents about an hour and a half away from me so I've only went out with her twice. The first time i was with my little cousin who knows her family pretty well so we went by her house to pick her up, the second time I wanted to pick her up but she said she didn't want her mom asking her a whole bunch of questions about me so she met me up somewhere. She's had a lot of trust issues in the past with her past boyfriends so it was kind of hard for her to open up to me at first and she said she didn't want to introduce her family to someone else right now. For about 2 months now we've been talking on the phone a couple times during the day and about 2-3 hours on any given night, we would also text each other occasionally during the day. Sometimes she said she was busy hanging out with some of the girls from work or out with her brother but would almost always call me afterwards at whatever time she finished. I thought I got to know her pretty well over this time period. When we first started talking I told her that the only thing that I really bothers me is being lied to. She aknowledged that and said she would never do that. Now the fun part: Last night she asked me a question "What if i was seeing somone else this whole time i was talking to you, what would you say?" I was used to her asking dumb questions like this but this one was different. So I called her out on it, she said it was just a question at first but then I started to get mad and asked her again. Then she told me she was seeing this guy before she started talking to me. She said she liked us both but was confused on how much each of us liked her. This guy was her boyfriend who was always at her house, she mentioned him to me before and said it was just one of her brother's friends. She told me she broke up with him last night because she found out that he had been talking to other girls and that she was really hurt by this. My reaction was to bust out laughing because it felt like that was the exact same thing she did to me.My question to you is: Now what should I do? I really like this girl and I realize that we were never really exclusive. The part that I think bothers me the most is that she lied to me after I told her that's the thing that bothers me the most. The second issue is trust, can I trust her not to do the same thing to me in the future (she met me about a month after the dude became her boyfriend). I dont know if I can ever get over that she kind of used me. Should I date her and know that I can always pull this card if I did anything? Or should I not take it serious at all and just use her? I really like her and I really don't want to use her, but I think she deserves a taste of her own medicine.
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broke up, cousin, her past, period, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (23 January 2009):
 If you stay...don't be a jerk and throw this in her face every single time she rubs you the wrong way. That’s very childish. Very immature way of thinking that you have...
If you can't get over the fact that you didn't claim her, and she was still seeing others even though she wasn't committed to you, then you very well need to leave and give yourself some time to grow up.
A
male
reader, trini +, writes (22 January 2009):
trini is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thanks for your feedback everyone. I still dont know what I'm going to do yet. I know it's early still but I think I'm over the revenge thing. I really dont want to hurt this girl. She had told me she wants to be exclusive with me and we kind of set some ground rules already. I really want to be with her but Im afraid that I will know that I have that card to play, which would really be unfair to her. If I cant go into this relationship without mal-intentions, I don't think I should be with her at all. Right now I dont want to but I know deep down its there. Basically I still dont know what to do, stay or leave.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (22 January 2009):
I do see something wrong in leading men on. Very wrong. I wouldn't want that to happen to me. But I think you missed something that we women didn’t...
1. They were only talking for three months.
2. It was carried on, only on the phone. (You don’t have a RELATIONSHIP via phone. no matter what people say, you can go about saying, "Oh yeah. I’m committed to this guy, but we only talk on the phone.")
3. They only met twice. One of those times, wasn't even a date...his little cousin came along.
Now how in the world can he expect that she was his and only his, saying he never talked to her about that? Come on, now? Like I said...there was a MASSIVE miscommunication here. He was more invested than she was. And she isn't in the wrong for that. You get what you ask for, and he didn't ask for anything. Never expect or assume in a "relationship". Always make it clear what you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Okay you need a guys perspective, some girls think they can have their cake and eat it too. She's not using you, some girls just think it's okay to lead on one guy while going out with another, that way they have a fallback should the other thing not work out.
Look if she wanted to be with you after 3 months of contact, you'd know by now, you said you really like her so the chances of you being able to keep it casual are zero, the likelyhood is that your feelings will grow, you'll get your hopes up and then get crushed.
She was dishonest with you and it's normal to be upset but getting even would make you a worse person, best to chalk this up as a lesson learned and move on.
You now know what it's like to be led on, don't be an ass, let your feelings settle and think about this logically, as you've seen from the previous comments, girl's don't see anything wrong in leading a guy on, so she didn't do it intentionally to hurt you. Be a man and walk away.
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (22 January 2009):
Ryhthmnblues2 has hit the nail on the head. You two were not exclusive. You didn't claim her as your girlfriend. I can see how you see this as lying by omission. But, unless you two have claimed each other, she isn't committed to you. She can see other people if she isn't in a committed relationship with you. What I think happened here is you were more invested in her than she was you. Obviously, there was a miscommunication somewhere in the past 3 month. Big miscommunication. HUGE on your behalf. And its not her fault that YOU didn't speak up months ago and voice what YOU were looking for with her. And no, she doesn't deserve to be punished for your blunder. You didn't make it exclusive. And your mad that she wasn't exclusive? You were more invested than her. And that's not her fault.
Like rnb2 said, you have 2 choices. Make her your girl and only your girl and grow up, realize that it was actually You who made the mistake, and move on into a relationship. Without punishing her for not being exclusive when you weren't exclusive. (Sounds pretty petty and stupid, huh?)
Or, move on and play these head games with another girl.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): And by the way, your comment that you don't know if you should just use her speaks volumes about your own character...perhaps that is why you can't trust her because you are a jerk yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): Personally, I don't think this girl did anything wrong at all....you have been "talking on the phone" for the majority of your relationship, you have only gone out twice since you have known her.
By your own admission you have never stepped up to the plate and claimed her for your girlfriend and asked her to be exclusive with you, to stop dating other guys.
She is 20 years old for gosh sakes, she has every right to date any one she wants to date and it is none of your business who they are....and when you asked a question that was none of your business, she made up a little story to get you to not be jealous because she cared about you, did not want to upset you, and she wanted to get to know you without the threat of you bolting because she knew some other men, she may have said this guy was her boyfriend, but my guess is that they are not that serious or she wouldn't be talking to you.
Until you put a ring on a girl's finger she can talk to any guy she wants to talk to and entertain the thought of dating anyone she wants to....if you have a sexual relationship though and you agree not to have sex with any other partners then doing so would be a betrayal. I can't see that she has betrayed you.
She doesn't deserve to have anything brought up and thrown in her face. What you might do is either ask her to be your girlfriend and stop dating around, or back off and date some other girls yourself. Don't you think a 20 year old girl is too young for you?
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A
male
reader, trini +, writes (22 January 2009):
trini is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, she's lied to me the whole time. She was with her boyfriend for at least a month before she even met me.
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A
female
reader, Problemsolver25  +, writes (22 January 2009):
So lets put this into perspective, you have known her for 3 months, and 2 of those months she has been lying and seeing someone else. The start of a relationship is the 'honeymoon' period, you should be still enjoying each other and if so soon there is such major problems it doesnt bode well for the future. Relationships are built on trust and to have that broken so early makes it seem doubtful that there is a future in this one. Getting back at her may appeal to you now as you feel hurt and angry but in the long run it really isnt a good move. Move on and find a girl who won't lie to you and who wants only you. Your 27 you should be looking to get serious with someone and you can't do that with this girl.
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