A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Myself and my partner have been together for 6 years and had our first child 5 months ago. It’s definitely the hardest thing we’ve ever done, but also the most amazing thing. However, I’m starting to feel really alone and fed up as he is working 12 hours every day and we hardly see him. We haven’t had sex for about 8 months and he doesn’t seem bothered by it either. I wasn’t at first but I’m starting to feel he’s gone off me. Has anyone else been through similar or got any advice for me? I’m feeling really lonely and upset. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"Not seeing the bigger picture. It's a trend for young-men to start families; but they don't want to marry the woman who bears his child(ren)."
" Babies aren't mistakes, they're blessings!"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2019): Have you told him this? If he's working 12-hour days, he must be very exhausted. He now has a new addition to the family. If you're not working to be home with the new baby; he is now the sole-breadwinner. That's a lot of pressure! God forbid, if he lost his job, what would you do?
Being a new dad, and now being financially-responsible for a family, is new to him. He probably misses the freedom of singleness that wasn't such a burden. It's easier to feed, clothe, and shelter two...rather than three!
He's probably tired all the time. Not to pour salt in the wound, but sometimes young "unmarried-men" with children might feel trapped with such heavy responsibility. Why would he postpone (or dismiss) any consideration of marriage, but decide to have a child first? He can't just walk-away, he has moral and legal-obligation to support his child; even if he has decided he doesn't want you anymore. You and the child come as a set! No matter what happens!
Not seeing the bigger picture. It's a trend for young-men to start families; but they don't want to marry the woman who bares his child(ren). Arguably, the reasons or excuses for it make absolutely no sense. The reasons I hear defy logic! Fear of divorce? It's just paper? What about kids? They need stable loving homes!
Young fellows, if you don't want to marry her; then wrap it up...don't make babies! You are morally-obligated to support your offspring. Ditching her and making her feel abandoned as though it's all her fault...well, you should have gotten a vasectomy, used condoms, or decided if you wanted to marry her before you had a kid! Was the plan to have a kid to see if you could make one, then flee the scene? Makes you wonder! Babies are mistakes, they're blessings. The adults who make them without foresight and preparation are the mistake!
You have to talk to him; because he is the only one who can tell you what's in his head. Then be prepared in the event that it's not what you want to hear! Having babies doesn't secure the relationship like marriage. It won't fix it so he can't getaway, if he doesn't want to stay. Having a baby won't make him love you more; if the relationship was shaky, or in-trouble , before the baby came.
It breaks my heart to read these kinds of posts. Babies should be born to two people who love each other too much to hurt or leave each other. Even better, willing to commit in marriage; and do whatever it takes to make it work! Oh, well! Am I wasting my words?
He has no excuse, tired or whatever, to make you feel neglected and lonely. If he doesn't feel like sex, assuming he's also in his 20's; maybe abstaining from sex before he made a kid would have made more sense! I'm very sorry you have to feel this way; but it happens all too often. If you were struggling financially before your baby came along; I guess he's just stressed and overwhelmed. In all fairness, we still have to give the guy some benefit of the doubt. It's all exciting at first, then the reality hits. It dawns on him that he's a father; and he can't just shuck his responsibilities.
Try to think positive, and not blame yourself. It may be that he's just feeling the weight of being so young with a new family. At least he has a work-ethic. He's not lying around the house smoking pot and playing video games; while ignoring you and the baby. I think he's been hit with the reality, ready or not, he's now a father! He has a family to support, and he's probably very scared. Neglecting you isn't helping things at all! It's just so much to take in!
Sweetheart, slow him down. Talk to him, and tell him how you feel. Be straightforward, and tell him just like you told us. I know you feel guilty that he has to work so much, but who is he working for? Putting food on the table is fine; but he also has to be good to the woman he impregnated and created a child with. I hope you're on good terms with your family, particularly your mother. You need to be around women to help you sort things out; to comfort you, and to give you heart-warming support. Being alone plays on your mind, and you start thinking all sorts of things, that may not be remotely true. He's too tired for sex, and babies steal your sleep. He has to get in as much as he can, now that the baby is here!
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