A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My father passed away a couple of years ago from dementia. My mother started having an affair with a married man when he was ill (5 years ago). He was working for my parents at the time. She is 75.The relationship has developed and she is moving him into her home. I have found this really difficult to deal with. She has lied to me so much during this period. She has told me she is paying over large amounts of money to his wife to enable him to divorce. I have caught her badmouthing me with him even though I have not met him. She no longer wants a to spend any time with me seeing me as a threat to this relationship.I have no siblings and am not close to the rest of our family so this is really difficult for me. I am an adult and do not live at home. I know it is none of my business what my mother gets up to, I am just so worried he is simply using her. I feel physically sick at the thought of having to spend time with this guy. I just wish I could get over these feelings so I can still have a good relationship with my mother. But, every part of my being is telling me this is not a good guy and to keep him well out of life. I have spoken to her about it. If we talk about it I just cry and cry. She tells me I simply do not what her to be happy and that I am crazy for being upset or worried. I was her power of attorney should anything happen to her health in older age and because of this relationship she has now moved this to my distant uncle who has a bad track record with finance and responsibility. I have contacted him myself. He kept the communication short and denied everything. I do not get the impression he is looking to build a relatio nship with me as mum's daughter. I feel just awful. I have tried to handle this situation as best I can but it feels like there is nothing I can do- it is a choice between not having mum in my life, or putting myself through hell just to have a cold relationship with someone who couldn't care less.I am looking to start a family of my own soon and it breaks my heart that grandchildren may never be able to have a good relationship with their grandmother either way. What should I do?
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affair, divorce, grandmother, married man, money, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 I would just stop trying to interfere in her person relationships. She is OLD enough to know what she is doing, and while I "get" that you want to protect her... she needs to live her life as SHE sees fit, not as YOU see fit.
If she ASKS you what you think of the guy, be honest - otherwise? none of your business. Same as it's none of her business whom you are dating.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 Lets be honest here, your mother is getting old now and she probably doesn't have a huge lot off life left in her. She wants to make the most off her time and be as happy as she can be. My guess is she went through a lot with your father before he passed away, now it is her turn to live the final part of her life as she chooses.
Believe me your mother does care about you, she just feels that you cannot be happy for her and therefore she has pushed you out. You need to make the decision here. Yes it is a hard pill for you to swallow when your mum is telling you she is paying his wife for the divorce.
You need to remember that your mums finances are hers and technically it is her choice what and who she leaves them to.
My suggestion to you would be life is very short. I think you should talk to your mum and tell her you want a relationship with her. Tell her about your plan for children ect. It is shocking to me that you have not met this man yet, my guess is that you have avoided this situation. Well if you want to have a relationship with your mum you need to accept that he is in her life now and that he is important to her. So why don't you suggest dinner with them some evening and give him the benefit off the doubt, at the end of the day you need to see that he is making your mother happy in her final stages of life.
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A
female
reader, SoDoneOMFG  +, writes (19 January 2016):
Personally, I don't have a relationship with my family because of my mother. That being said, my oppinion is that you should tell your mother straight up that she needs to slow down and take a look at what her priorities are. I understand that shes lonely and now that someone makes her feel 'wanted' again she doesnt want to let that go, but she needs to realize that you are there for her and she will always be 'wanted', better yet, needed by you. Before you talk to her about this dude again, Id take her out a couple of times on your own little dates. Like once a week or something to show her you care, and also to show her what it feels like to be needed, not just used.
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A
female
reader, Star xxx +, writes (19 January 2016):
 Hi
This is a difficult one and obviously I can see where you are coming from trying to protect your mother.
I am wondering how much of this is actually about your mother though, I appreciate you are probably still grieving the loss of your father. Your mother is not getting any younger and has clearly found someone that makes her happy and your disapproval is pushing her away.
I think your mother is old enough and wise enough to make her own mistakes and I think the best thing you can do is be there for her to pick up the pieces if needed.
You have voiced your opinion and now I think it is time to take a back seat and let her life her life.
Sorry if this sounds harsh.
Take Carexx
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