A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm starting to get the impression that my mother in law (mil) is faking illness to get attention.She is single, no partner, and feels lonely from what I'm told. At the beginning of our relationship my husband and I discussed how we'd handle our aging parents and I let him know I don't believe in nursing homes, if our parents needed it I would want to move them in and take care of them. Like my own family did with my great grandmother in her late 80's who had Alzheimer's.My mil is not super old or helpless. She is 71 years old and is very active. But sure enough, every year since we've been married, (married for 3 years), my mil has had a "life threatening illness." Whereby she says her goodbyes, instills fear into her sons, but always turns out fine.The first year it was her heart. She had a heart "problem" that she wouldn't tell anybody what exactly it was, wouldn't let anybody talk to her doctor, but she was allegedly dying and needed surgery. And became really needy, using her heart condition to garner sympathy and get attention.The heart condition, (which she seemed fine, walking, up and down stairs, same level of energy as usual) evolved into her wanting to buy a home nearby to us and for us all to move in together. That didn't work out, eventually I said absolutely not and my husband agreed, but it was at that point when the thought first crossed my mind that her whole heart thing sounded made up and came with an ulterior motive. Using it to manipulate and get her way. I used to get along really well with her, I still do but after this I started becoming a bit skeptical of my mil and started keeping my distance more.Now a year and a half later, the heart thing miraculously no longer comes up as an issue but now she suddenly has another life threatening illness. She has said her goodbyes once again, leaving my husband feeling shaken and vulnerable and she supposedly needs emergency surgery for an internal blockage she is suffering. She lives in the Caribbean and though she alleges she is currently "dying" and needs "emergency" surgery, she is somehow able to take a commercial plane, a day long journey involving several layovers in hotspot cities during a pandemic, to get to the mainland to the city we live in. I am just not buying it and I just can't help feeling that it's just another BS illness to get attention and to try to persuade and guilt my husband to move in with her to take care of his "ailing" mother. I brought it up to my husband and he was livid at me for suggesting that. So I dropped it. I don't know what to do. I like my mil but I like her from a distance. I'm happy to help somebody in need but it really gets under my skin when I suspect someone is faking this and causing strain on my marriage and stress and fear on my husband.I don't like lies and I can't shake the feeling that she isn't being entirely honest about her intentions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): The mental health disorder where people fake illness to get attention is Munchausens Syndrome. And this does not fit the pattern. People who do that do it with everyone all of the time, they want the attention of doctors not just certain members of the family when it is beneficial.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): I have had family and know of family who manipulate with lies and I also know how naive other people can be when you tell them about it - taking the side of the other or elderly person because they do not understand how selfish, crafty and dishonest some people can be. When it is family naive people always want to see that it cannot be true, that mothers, mother in laws etc cannot possibly be as bad as you say. They make excuses for them and ignore half of the facts. Very often they do not even know all of the facts. It never occurs to them that you know this woman far better than them and you are not dim, so you have worked her out right. If you say a friend mistreated you they might accept it but when you say family they cannot grasp it, usually because their own family is more nice and normal. They totally forget that there are manipulative dishonest and selfish people out there and all of them have relatives.
I can see from your question and how you post it that you are a sensible and non dramatic person who would prefer her to be normal - and she is not normal. But when you say she is family that all flies out the window for naive people who want to see the good in every one. They want to hear her side because she cannot possibly be as bad as you say. The want to re think what you tell them because you must be getting it wrong or exagerating. Maybe you have an ulterior motive.
I can see from your post you are a very sensible person. Am sure you have already thought of the obvious things like seeing her less or having her live near you but not with you.
As for the idea that she is generous to offer to buy a place for you all to live together! That has nothing to do with generosity, and once you are old you may as well spend on those things anyway as leave it to others in your will, it is a case of making it possible to live together so it is harder for you to turn down the offer.
It makes her look generous but in actual fact it is manipulation. It totally ignores the fact that you married her son, you are newly weds, you want your privacy. You did not sign up to be her carer or cleaner or companion full time. Your deal is with her son not her. You are happy to speak to her and see her too, but living with her is a whole different thing. Even if she was normal and nice, young and healthy why would you want that? It is ridiculous.
If you were single and someone said they wanted to live with you and would buy the place people would see how ridiculous this is. The idea that you give up your independence and privacy - and have sold it for that.
That your life is no longer your own. But because it is "family" that somehow makes it alright? No.
You are still entitled to concentrate on your marriage and have privacy no matter what. If you want to live near her and see her more that is your choice, even then she cannot insist or demand or expect it.
And, of course, this also depends on how much spare time you have.
A few years ago my mother - who had not bothered to speak to me or see me for more than twenty years - because her sleazy child molesting boyfriend had kept trying it on with me - suddenly popped up and tried to demand that I allow her to move in with me and take care of her.
She expected me to pay for everything (even though she has plenty of money), she also expected me to give up my businesses and life to be there with here all of the time. Of course I said no. It would have ruined me financially and ruined my life anyway. And - considering she had disappeared and not wanted me at all because of her boyfriend's behaviour - she had no right to be in my life at all. She had always been very selfish and demanding so I was not at all surprised at her expecting this. But the thing I really noticed was the attitude of other people. Other people would say oh but she is your mother and talk as if it was quite ok for her to expect me to close down my businesses and have no income, or be stuck at home 24 7 never going out - simply because mothers can demand anything they want. And somehow if you say no you are in the wrong. They would then try to work out how you can obey her demands and give you stupid advice. As if you have no common sense and cannot work out things yourself. As if mother owns you and you have no rights.
So please bear this in mind when you are talking about mother in law. Very few will understand or even see the facts for what they are, or see your point of view.
One of the troubles with your particular scenario is that she is your husband's mother and it is up to him whether he is naive or not, it is up to him if he wants to help her or not - even if you and I see it as being manipulated or giving her too much energy and time.
Do not find fault with hubby or contradict him if he wants to speak to her or see her or believes her, it will cause problems between you, let him do it his way.
But you as the wife have to be careful that it does not spill over to you. Very often the so called doting son is busy at work and the wife - who sees through the demanding selfish family member is the expected to visit or help instead. That is wrong. If he loves her enough to care enough to help her let him. But do not let it become your chore instead just because he is "busy" or whatever. How would he have coped if he was single?
You are not his personal assistant or secretary you are a person in your own right. If you fancy being a companion or carer to an older person then do it as a living and get paid for it, and choose someone who is not family and normal. You did not get married to your husband so that you could prop up and help needy members of his family.
You did it to make your own life happier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2020): I like Honeypie's idea. If she got herself an apartment nearby, there'd be no need to come-up with schemes, or fake illnesses. He and his brother should check-in on their mother; because she's going too far for attention. If anything should actually happen to her, and it turns out to be true; your husband would never forgive you, if you convinced him to write her off as a fake. If she was broke, she couldn't travel so much, or afford good hospitals. If she's healthy as a horse, and lying through her teeth, why does she have to go so far out of her way to get attention?
She even offered to buy a house for you, herself, and your husband; so you could live together. I don't think that sounds like a lady trying to intrude on your marriage; just wanting her family not to forget about her. You have a tradition of caring for aging-parents in your family. Somehow I think she caught wind of that; and she's making sure she doesn't get forgotten about while, your parents get all the attention. They get to live with you in their twilight years. Keeping her sons attention is how she reminds them that they have a mother too!
Appreciate her now, rather than everyone coming together once she's gone; and fighting over her valuables and assets, or any money she leaves behind. She has found a way to make them value her while she'still breathing; considering how people discard their aging-parents until they need something these days!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2020): We get one-sided stories, and in reviewing your first post; all we could gather was your suspicion your mother-in-law is a fake.
It is not unusual for a follow-up post to be a lot more detailed; and severely disparaging when the OP doesn't get the kind of response they were expecting. We don't get your MIL's side of this; nor your husband's! Faking or not, you get only one mother...throwing-in the info she had more than one marriage, and a failed relationship-attempt, just seems petty and mean-spirited.
Noting she seems financially-comfortable and independent; maybe there is a little envy going-on here...but who's to say?
Your husband gets the last-word on this; it's his mother, not yours!
If she goes all out to get attention; fine for her. It is quite apparent that you don't like her. She just wants to see her kids. It's a cry for attention; and there's also an actual mental-health disorder afflicting some people, who fake pregnancy or grave-illnesses for sympathy. Needing to make people fuss over them. In any case, it's very sad.
If she moved somewhere to be with a man, what's it to you??? She's a grown-woman, and that has nothing to do with coming up with schemes to spend time with her family; or wanting attention from her sons. If they make her have to go that far to get attention, don't blame her...blame her sons! How come they're so completely fooled, but you're the only one unconvinced? That's because it's not your mother, and maybe you just want to be sure there's only room for your parents when the time comes! Just an opinion!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): Hey, I'm the original poster. Thank you for the advice, so far.
You are all obviously very sympathetic toward my mil. And I appreciate all your opinions but I'm just not swayed with the advice so far.
I just want to clarify that I will take care of our ailing parents when they can no longer take care of themselves and when it comes down to choosing between nursing care at a home or my care in my home. Then and only then I will choose the latter. As my family did with my great grandmother, who was fiercely independent but who at that point could no longer take care of herself.
My mil is not at this stage. She plays golf everyday. She goes out dancing several nights a week. She moved to the Caribbean around 6-7 years ago, by her own choice, to a beautiful island. The rumour is that she fell in love with a guy down there when she visited one time and moved there. (She also keeps another residence in the US mainland, just not near us.)
It didn't work out with this guy, apparently. She has some family who vacation on this island but they are not there all the time.
My husband and I are relative newlyweds. We are still building our life together as a couple and relishing our privacy. Just like she herself was able to do with her first two marriages without interferences.
I just feel this whole thing is coming from a selfish place.
Telling my husband she is dying yet again, in critical need of medical attention, he is stressed out and worried, naturally. We've been here before not too long ago. Then she gets on a commercial plane to our town to seek medical treatment at one of the best hospitals in the country (and the world), and they send her home, tell her to come back Monday when the specialist will be in the office.
Sent her home just as I thought they would. If you are in critical condition a hospital would hospitalize you, not send you home.
I don't like lies. Especially when you are toying with other people's emotions. And I sense she is lying and exaggerating her illness for attention and to manipulate us into a situation I do not want to be in. Which I think is wrong.
Anyway, I guess I'm just going to ignore it and refrain from commenting on this any further to not upset my husband.
I don't know what else to do, really.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2020):
 Suggest to your husband to go look for a house or apartment close by that she can afford, that way she can be closer but not IN your house. You both can still help out and take care of her without having to live with her 24/7
Whether she is faking or not, she is ill and wants to be closer to her kids. Which is understandable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): If she's okay, and has to manipulate her sons to get their time and attention; I think that's what you should consider over branding her a fake. Try to be compassionate.
People alone and growing older will eventually need help or assisted-living; but everyone needs company and companionship. If she misses her sons; and they don't visit her enough, she will resort to whatever it takes to get their attention. Loneliness will sometimes make you do things you wouldn't ordinarily do. Friends don't easily substitute for the love of your family. If she knows you would be loving enough to move your parents in when they grow older; maybe she's afraid everyone would just forget about her.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 August 2020):
 Your MIL does sound lonely (and more than a little manipulative). Does she have friends? Does she have other children?
What about compromising about the living arrangements and simply have her moving a bit closer to you where you and your husband can visit a little more often without having her invading your space too much. From a closer distance, you could also encourage her to make new friends and take up new interests, thus giving her a new lease of life and, hopefully, stopping this need to get attention from your son.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2020): I agree with you, the next time she says she is dying but gives no sound logical reason for her self diagnosis, remind her that we are all dying. People like this actually do my head in as well, especially when people really are dying and at young ages, emotional blackmail and sympathy suckers. I presume she has some blockage like bowel obstruction? she would be in quite a lot of distress and discomfort/pain and emergency surgery would be quick for risk of perforation etc. Heart blockage? Stroke/heart attacks? would she even be here?
Ask her to verify and clarify through a medical letter and offer to pay for it, remind her that plans need to be made if she is as poorly as she says.
I agree with your thoughts on this one.
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