A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice right now. I think my mum is cheating, or about to cheat on my stepdad. It sickens me to even think about it. Long story short, last year there was an incident where my mum found out that my stepdad was messaging and meeting up with another woman. To this day I dont know how far that went because my mum wouldn't tell me, but after being on the verge of divorce, she forgave him, or atleast claimed to. So years ago, way before they met, I knew my mum was dating a guy called "Chris" (not real name). She never introduced us but I knew it was happening. So obviously that ended, but for the past few months ive noticed she's been acting a bit strange, always going to her room or out in to the car to talk on the phone. Using her soft and gentle tone, which she only uses when shes talking to a guy she likes. She doesn't use that tone with my stepdad anymore. Also, shes always texting and has a lock on her phone that she never had before. Just for a bit more clarification, when she left her phone unlocked on her bed the other day, I went to find her messages with "Chris" and there are always "x"'s, he was asking when they were going on a date and all of this and she was saying shes confused about her feelings. The rest of the messages that I saw were very flirty. I know I shouldn't have been snooping but sometimes its the only way bcos my mums become very secretive lately.My mum talks often about how she rushed into the marriage to avoid having another child out of wedlock, and that she doesnt think it'll last much longer. They never really show affection anymore and they argue most of the time. The thing is, ive not been too fond of my stepdad since the incident with the other woman, but my mums always been my role model but I'm losing faith in the fact that she wouldn't cheat (despite being cheated on in the past). Actually I'm just losing faith in her full stop. I feel physically sick about the whole thing and i don't know what to do.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 Sweetie I understand this is difficult and stressful for you. Your mother is your role model and you don't want to think off her as dishonest or a cheat. But you need to try and stay out off their marriage. You need to trust that your mum will make the right decision. Stop snooping in her phone and just see how it plays out. If it gets to much for you then talk to a trusted adult as this stress is not good at your age.
A
female
reader, adelel  +, writes (25 October 2016):
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): Oh, I forgot to say-
if you are worried about any potential future fallout from this (between your mum and stepdad) and how that will affect you, your sibling or your relationship between you and your stepdad (let's face it,separations are never pleasant on the children. Sorry:/),then you should bring that up too in your talk with her.
There is nothing you can do,but you can seek reassurance from her or if that doesn't work maybe help from a councillor at school for dealing with difficult emotions/situations?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): Uh...So many questions.
Firstly, I sympathise with you, I really do-what a tough situation to be in for someone so young.
But,really? Why do you feel the need to police her? (i.e. the phone lock and going through her msgs). Your mum might decide NOT to share every single detail with you, given your age (even if you are very close).
2nd-this a hornet of tricky emotions. I paid attention to how you said-"as to not have another child out of wedlock",which I assume you are?! Why is that even important? She doesn't love you any less than your sibling.
I'd try and find out what the root cause is first (i.e. why does this bother you so much & there are some clues in your writing) & then speak to her privately.
Tell her that until now she was your moral compass. You need to get it off your chest.
But don't worry-she doesn't need to be your moral compass, you don't have to do as she does,neither are you bound to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2016): Not your business. Stay out of it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2016):
 Unfortunately, it sure does sound like your mom is at the very least being emotionally unfaithful to your stepdad.
I also know what it feels like to realize how flawed parents can truly be. I don't know of many of us who don't have a moment where we learn a family secret, or accidentally walk in on something that we desperately wish we could unlearn. I know you are feeling poleaxed right now because until this time, you have felt that your mother was a virtuous person, victimized by selfish and heartless men, your current stepdad being one of them.
I agree in part with Denizen that in the end, what will play out will play out. However, you do have a say in the way your mom plays it out. I believe the relationship between your mom and step dad will soon be at an end. His cheating on her caused irreparable damage on their relationship, forgiveness or no. Trust was shattered. Emotional bonds were destroyed, and all that.
I think you need to ask your mom to go to lunch with you. And I think you should tell her exactly what you told us in the exact way you told us, especially the part that your mom was your role model, and now what you've discovered has affected you deeply.
I'm going to tell you this from the heart, and I tell my son, who is 16, the exact same thing:
We learn really valuable lessons from our parents, but it's not just the lessons our parents teach us, or traits that we admire in them. We also learn things we don't want to do or be. We kids see the flaws in our parents because sometimes we recognize those same struggles in ourselves. We learn from the bad way our parents have handled crises as a way we do not want to handle them.
You won't lose your love for your mom, and as you grow older, while I don't think you'll ever excuse the way in which your mom is dealing with her relationship with her stepdad, you will at least understand it. You'll also make your mind up that you won't follow in your mom's footsteps maybe in the way you deal with temptation or cheating.
But keep your communication with your mom. The worst thing you can possibly do is NOT talk to her about what you saw and how you feel. Getting silent, sullen, and breaking the relationship hurts you 10x worse than it would hurt her, and it would hurt her quite a bit.
In the end, our goals and our deepest dreams and wishes for our children aren't that they grow up to be like us. No, on the contrary - we dream and wish and hope and pray that our children will grow up to be BETTER than we are, that the lessons our mistakes we paid for in life will better our children's lives.
So go talk to your mom one on one. Do it in love. Try not to judge her, because you haven't walked in her shoes. But talk to her about what you saw, how it makes you feel, and especially that she's been a role model, but her actions behind your stepdad's back has you disturbed and hurting. If she's a good mom, and it sure sounds like she is, she'll listen to you. I have faith that the ultimate outcome of your talk will be a closer relationship between the two of you. Guys come and go, but a daughter and a mother is forever.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (23 October 2016):
 My belief is that you have to stand aside and let the action play out.
Your mum may be about to grasp at some happiness. Any interference from you won't be welcome.
Situations can often appear very black or white when you aren't experiencing them yourself. I think you need to try and step back and react with understanding if it develops as you suspect it might.
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