A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I would like some advice on how to deal with a certain situation.My partner and I have been together for nearly 18 months, we are both in our 50s and divorced. He has two daughters in their late 20s, and I have no children. We live about 35 miles apart, and he stays with me every weekend. He is a wonderful, kind, and considerate man, and I love him very much.He was in the middle of his divorce when we met, and his divorce is now final. He and his ex wife still live in the marital home, they have plenty of space for separate bedrooms and living areas. Due to a time limit set by the divorce court, she will be moved out by January next year (3 months time). My partner and I will then look to buy a house together. Because of this situation and because the divorce has been so sensitive, I have been kept in the background of his life. I have met his two daughters and his mother who are all charming, so I am not a secret to them. But I have obviously never been to the martial home, and I am not advertised on social media (e.g. facebook). Although everything is wonderful, I have one issue. He sometimes does spend time with his daughters, their boyfriends, and his ex wife. For example, this weekend he didn't come to see me because he told me that he some odd jobs to do at home. But yesterday evening (Saturday) he told me that this weekend is one of his daughters' birthdays, and he, his daughters and boyfriends, and his ex wife all had afternoon tea together in the family home. Not only that, but he told me that they ate a cake which he and I discovered together and has always been special to the two of us. I didn't make any comment, but I was hurt that he hadn't given me the real reason why he didn't come to see me this weekend.This sort of thing has happened before - for example they all spent last Christmas together in the family home and we did not see each other until Boxing day. He has assured me that this Christmas they will not all be together because he and his wife are now divorced. He has also assured me that, once his ex wife has moved out, and we are living together, he will not be doing the "family" socialising with her. I don't want to be unreasonable and I totally understand that he wants to spend time with his daughters, but it's the ex wife being there that makes me feel uncomfortable. I also feel rather excluded. In fact, I feel rather like a secret mistress at times, even though his mother and daughters know about me and know that we are planning to buy a house together.So, my questions to all you wise cupids are:How do I deal with this situation in the best possible way? And how should I approach him about this in a reasonable manner?Thank you all so much for your help.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 I can see both points of views here. It is okay for me to say you have nothing to be worried about and he is just doing right by his daughter, but you will still worry and be concerned and feel left out. If it was me in your situation I would just bite my tongue so that he does not think you are being awkward or jealous.
I know it must be hard on you, but as you said it is only for another three months. Which in reality is not a huge time. Yes it is unfortunate that he needs to live there with her but they are divorced and I doubt she is a threat to you.
I don't blame him for not inviting you, as it is still his ex wife and why would he want to flaunt his new girlfriend at her. I mean he is being respectful off her which is great. I honestly think your guy is a good one who is trying to please everyone. After the three months you will be wondering what you where worrying about. Try be patient and wait it out and not give him a hard time, it will be worth it.
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (23 October 2016):
 If they're still sharing a home for purely legal or convenience reasons, I can see how your partner would have a hard time doing anything other than including his ex in family events. What's he going to say to her - "I know it's our daughter's birthday, but stay in your room when she comes over because we're not married anymore"? I guarantee he just wanted his daughter to have a happy birthday celebration and that meant handling a delicate issue as gracefully as possible - which he did.
If I had to guess, he told you after the fact because he figured (correctly or otherwise) that it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission. It sounds like you might not have been very comfortable with his attendance if you knew about it in advance. He would have had to also make you feel as though he was "choosing" his ex over you, when he really didn't have a choice in the matter, and he was probably hoping not to upset you in that way. Should he have been honest with you beforehand? Ideally, yes. But I also sense some frustration in your post and I'm wondering if that's also being expressed (even subtly) in your interaction with him. Right now it sounds like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place - wants to be with you, is stuck with the ex until the court order for her to leave his house kicks in, and yes, I do sense a little resentment on your part that you two aren't yet free to start your life together. This is totally natural, but the very best thing you can do is take the high road and be patient with him - after all, it's clear you're the one he ultimately wants to be with. The more understanding you can find it in yourself to be about the situation, the more comfortable he will feel being transparent about tricky situations like this one.
If anything I would take the cake issue as a compliment - I'm sure he only wanted to give his daughter the best for her birthday celebration, and your discovery was better than anything else he could think of. Rest assured he bought that cake to impress his daughters and not his ex.
Although I don't condone lying I can understand his intent here, so in your shoes I would not approach him about it except perhaps to say that you wish he had felt comfortable enough to tell you the truth the first time around. Setting this up as a contest between you and his ex won't change the facts of the situation they have to live with till January, but it will make you appear insecure and jealous, even if you are not.
It's worth noting that while they may no longer be attending the same *holiday* celebrations, it will never be appropriate to exclude his ex from birthday celebrations for children that belong to both of them. Those days are about the kids, not the parents. Even if he brings you as his partner to future family birthdays his ex will still have a right to be there if the kids - they're her kids too, I presume - want her there. The sooner you are able to accept this, the smoother the transition will be for everyone.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes for a bright future together :)
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