A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has a female friend that he has had for fifteen years the same amount of time that he has known me. We all used to work in the same company and my husband (he was single then) used to make a fool of himself over this woman always taking her for lunch etc although she was a lot younger than him. They lived together for a while but apparently no sex! - just helping her out until her flat was ready to move into and they spent a lot of time together. We all worked in different departments. This woman always claimed to be just friends with him but when we got together instantly upped her phonecalls to him and would ring a lot asking for help and advice on how to do things or to ask for advice over boyfriend issues. She would ring every day and I felt uncomfortable about this so I asked him to tell her to stop ringing. He did this although I knew he wasn't pleased but I was getting so upset he was forced to do something. Anyway after we got married I found out tha he had been in contact with her, literally a week after the wedding and I was very upset. He apologized and said it was nothing other than a catch up but as I know she has designs on him I felt uncomfortable. Anyway months go by and something makes me look at his phone and there are mesages from her and answers to things he has sent. Again I ask him why this is happening and ofcourse he takes the 'how dare you look at my phone' option rather than explain the situation. My husband is sociable and outgoing and clearly resents me 'cutting' him off from her. He has told me that they are just good friends but I have watched this lady's movements from work for many years and then more in the sidelines fot another ten years and I know exactly what she is up to. She is an attractive woman and could easily be married with kids of her own by now but strangely enough there is always a reason why she is not with anyone long term. I do not trust her motives. Recently I have had a big row with my husband and we have fallen out and although completely irrelevant to the issue of the row the first thing he mentions is me not allowing him to speak to this woman. What would you do - would you let him get on with it and let them chat, really put your foot down and say this is over if it continues or just give in and basically let her have him. I know she is waiting in the sidelines. Part of me thinks that if they are secretly chatting anyway then part of the relationship is lost because they are already up to stuff behind my back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): You could either talk to him about it and tell him what you want to change or just put up with it like you have been doing or you could leave him and find some one better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have only been married for a couple of years. I find her hovering in the background unnerving and somewhat calculating. She actually plays a very clever game by trying to be friendly with me as well but the way she acts when it is just me and her shows it is an act. It is the fact that she feels she has the right to pick up the phone to ask for advice whenever she likes that upsets me. She has a boyfriend, father, brothers who could all help yet everytime she wants anything or needs anything turns to my husband. I am unnerved because there has always been a little something between them, they are very flirty together and talk about everything and feel they probably discuss me as well behind my back. The whole relationship is suspicious, they have clearly had sex at some stage although pretend they havent and they just act weirdly together. I have very good intuition and it has never served me wrong! i don't know what to do! I don't feel jealous of the woman as she is not as intelligent, doesn't earn anyway near as much as me but she is just as pretty as me and younger. When we worked together I always felt they would end up together and I kinda feel he has chosen me in a sought of second class way as if she was not aavilable or turned him down. She also used to taunt him with his feelings towards her when we all worked tog and although this was years ago it still stays in my mind. She really only appeared to genuinely want him when I got him.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 April 2011):
 Ok well this really is a difficult one. He has knowing her just as long as he has knowing you, and I cannot help feel that if he really wanted to be with her then he would never have married you. I understand that you feel that this woman is a threat to your marriage but at the end of the day as you said yourself he is an independant man and you cant chose his friends for him. Maybe suggest that you be more involved and if they are meeting up that you go as well but I really dont think the best thing to do is to tell him not to speak to her as he will only resent you for this because she has been one of his friends for such a long time.
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female
reader, Zandra +, writes (29 April 2011):
 While i'm a lot younger than you i've had a similar predicament with a 'friend' hanging out with my boyfriend and them becoming quite close its heart breaking to see him become close with another woman me becoming upset about it pushed him away.
Have you asked him how he would feel if you had a close male friend that you constantly contacted and had a history with?
Has he given you a reason to believe that he has romantic feelings toward her or an emotional attachment?
If they are just friends then why not have her join you and your husband for dinner or something where you can show her your commitment to each other and get across the point that he is your husband. He should be sensitive to the fact that him seeing this woman upsets you and cut back on the attention he gives her, but telling him not to speak to her at all wouldn't be fair if their friendship is innocent.
Let him know you believe she is up to no good, give him specific reasons why you believe this. Try not to push him away and straight into the arms of that woman. Remind him of all the reasons he married you
Hope this helps a bit
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): I dont let my boyfriend talk to girls and he doesnt let me talk to guys, it works for us and is fair. Do you trust him not to do any thing with her or do you think he might?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): If your husband wanted this woman he could have had her at any point over the last 15 years if she waiting in the sidelines as you say she is, but he's with you and has been for 15 years. I think the reason he is so cagey about his friendship with her is because he knows it upsets you and causes arguments.
Having said that the friendship does appear to make you feel insecure and he should be reassuring you and not critisising you.
I would ignore it and concentrate on your own life. Go out with friends more and if you don't have that many then make new ones. If you happen to make a male friend then your husband will know how it feels, not that I'm suggesting you play games, just that you need to focus on yourself and not him, and definitely not her. If she as you say then you're letting her win and have power over you by allowing her to cause probelms between you.
You could speak to a counsellor (by yourself) to see why it bothers you so much because there must be something underpinning the feelings that needs to be resolved. The resolution could well be that you decide you're better off without him or you might stop letting this affect you. Either way you'll be back in control. 15 years is a long time and you deserve to be happy!
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