A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:How do you kill the old demons? I am an educated, confident woman in every area of my life except with my spouse. We've been together 7 years and most of those years have been good. We get along most of the time, have a fairly good sex life etc. My husband doesn't show alot of affection, rarely compliments me but I know he loves me. However he has made some "mistakes" that have caused mistrust and though I have forgiven him, the memories/fears insecurities creep into my mind from time to time which he absolutely hates. It's probably the only thing we fight about. And while I don't know that he actually had sex with a woman he used to work with (he says no; rumors say otherwise) I still feel very uncomfortable when he has to work in the field with any single female co-worker. I have fears when he goes out of town to attend meetings for a week or so because I don't know who is going with him or if he's meeting someone while he's away. I try to be cool about it because he absolutely hates it when I ask questions, however innocent I try to make them sound and because he is so closed off about it; it makes me it worse for me. I don't know how to get past these feelings. I tell him he has to win my trust back and then protect it if he wants me to start trusting him again. He says I'm living in the past too much. But don't we use the past as a barometer for future events? Over Christmas, a different female co-worker sent him a Merry Christmas wish that ended in "Love Celia" and I was so hurt, like 'here we go again!'But I was cool about it, when I found it I handed him the phone and just quietly asked him to help me understand the meaning of the message. Instead of being calm and dealing with it like an adult, or telling me he had no idea why she sent the text, but he would tell her to stop - he flipped out over it and went on a ranting fit at his Mother's house, which humiliated me. I later told him if the text really was "nothing" then he needed to tell Celia it was inappropriate and unnecessary. I have male co-workers who I am friends with but none of them ever would ever dream of sending me a message like that! Luckily we don't have a melt down like this very often, but they never really go away. Sometimes when he comes back from business trips, I find pictures of young pretty women and again he dismisses it as nothing, but I think his behavior is strange for a married man. He turns it all on me and my "crazy insecurities" and I keep telling him he's not entirely to blame. But don't know what to do!!! Will it ever get better???
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female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 Hire a private investigator - spend the money on it. What type of pictures does he come back with? Young girls he actually meets? Men who cheat do twist things around, making you think the issue is you, not him. I'd be highly suspicious and worried. Hire the investigator!
A
male
reader, Relationship.Chef +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Let's play a guessing game.
Guess!
Sorry, I didn't tell you what you were supposed to guess?
I'm really sorry!
How about this?
STOP GUESSING!!!
Ask him. Confront him, voicing your suspicions. If he doesn't put them to rest to your satisfaction, he'll thereby have proven your suspicions.
Don't place your faith in "it's only rumors".
Trust your gut, and, whenever there is a doubt, there is no doubt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): It doesnt sound as if he is being very supportive. Maybe it is true that he had an affair. But if he didnt, he should be doing more to reassure you. Attacking you and your insecurities makes him sound a little bit guilty to be honest. This is a huge deal as it is affecting your marriage in a very negative way. If you really cant get through to him and your gut is telling you things are going on. Maybe next time he goes away, enlist the services of a private investigator. That will give you an answer one way or the other.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (3 February 2012):
 Wow... that's quite a story. Personally, I once experienced something similar with my fiancé. To keep the story brief, an ex-girlfriend from college called my apartment (my parents had given her the number since they new her). We chatted for about 30 minutes or so, me wondering why she was calling since I knew she was married and living a few thousand miles away. After the pleasantries, I hung up and didn't give it any more thought than some old friend I knew from years back calling to say hello. Well, my soon-to-be-wife didn't take to well to this and since she answered the phone, I was obligated to explain who that was... so, I did, completely... honestly... Well, I was told in no uncertain terms that this was an intrusion into our relationship and it was making her feel uneasy. Since my fiancé's feelings were definitely more important to me than my married ex-girlfirend, I promised that if she were to call again, I'd kindly ask her not to do it again... sure enough, she called again, and being the pleasant person that I am, I let her "vent" her problems, then kindly explained that she was causing a rift in my life and asked that she not call again... and that was pretty much the end of it.
I mention all this because it seems to be central to the theme here. I had respect for my fiancé, your husband seems not to have enough for you to respect your wishes. Frankly, being evasive (so called "strange behavior") isn't a 100% guarantee that something is going on behind your back, but it's not making him seem like the pillar of propriety here either. I also don't think that you're being the least bit out of line in asking for him to respect your feelings on this matter. I'm inclined to agree with you that this is all odd.
The bigger question is what to do about it... the options are as wide as divorce, marriage counseling, to making an appeal to him to respect your wishes more than he seems to be doing now. Bottom line is that I don't get the impression you're being overly paranoid here, hounded by your (so called) insecurities (which, for the record, he's induced).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012):
My wife sends e-mail and texts and signs them off with "Love", "Hugs", "Hugs and kisses", and so on. It drives me nuts. I guess some people say it is normal and we are just crazy insecure, but I don't use those words unless I mean them. She thinks I am crazy and I think she needs to stop.
The big difference between you and I is that your husband made some "mistakes." What kind of mistakes? Also, you say the rumormill says your husband slept with a co-worker. How reliable is that source?
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