A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently split up with my husband. I am 100% sure he is bi polar. Although his behavior has never been good, for the past 6 months we have been like room mates w/ very occassional benefits. This is not at all what I wanted. I feel like I have spent 2 years crying, begging, pledding for him to just treat me like a wife. He just became more and more disrespectful, mentally and verbally abusive and controlling. At first, I never knew why. With every arguement, I always thougth that deep down inside he knew he was wrong and he was just being stubborn. The arguements never ended with a "I'm sorry" on his part. Generally he would say or do something to upset me, if I let him know in any way, shape or form I was upset or simply did not agree, there was a fight. Only he fought by saying some very twisted, unfair, untrue things to me and if I tried to defend myself or explain to him why I felt the way I did, he would just cut me off and twist my words until I was in tears over the unfairness and then instead of showing comfort, he would just walk away and ignore me for days. If I screamed and yelled out of frustration because I could not take the disrespet then that made the whole thing my fault. After he was done ignoring me he would just go back acting normal as if nothing happened. If too many days of silance pass and I just could not take it anymore, (I don't have any friends here to talk to), then I would just say I am sorry for screaming at him so that we could be normal again. At first this happened a few times a month, but for the past 6 months it has been none stop. He has changed so much that I began to think he was having an affair, but when I looked into things like his email and phone records, I did find stuff that looked suspicious, but nothing for sure. Finally I confronted him with what I had found and he then said that I was sick and needed help because I didn't trust him. He did cheat on me with 5 different women for a year straight about 3 years ago and even if he had never cheated, I do believe that any woman would look if their husband went through a complete personality change over a six month period. According to him he was not doing nothing wrong and he was very hurt that I did not trust him. When things got so bad that my health was failing and I was, and still am, in the process of losing my job, I started to look into his behaviors and according to everything I read and his own family history he appears to be bi polar. Last Sunday, everything came to a boiling point and I told him to get help or leave. While this went back and fourth for 10 minutes, each time I said get help or leave, stop treating us this way or leave, you are abusive and if you can't stop treating us this way leave ect. At one point he looked at me and said are you sure this is what you want and I said "no, but I have been trying to fix this marriage by myself for two years and I can't do it anymore. Living this way is too painful for me and if you don't want to try then go ahead and go." So he took his son and a few days worth of cloths and left. Anyway, I don't know where he is staying and I haven't asked. We have sent a few emails back and forth about the bills ect. and he has not been very coopertive. He is willing to continue paying his part of the bills, but he is not very forthcoming as to when the bills are due and how they are normally paid (on-line, in person or automatic withdrawal). I know he has always used all three methods, but I don't know which method for which bills. He has always been very responsible and actually better then me at keeping up with stuff like that, so I always just let him do it. But, I was on my own for many years before I met him and it not as if I am incapible of doing it for myself. I just felt that if I am the one that is going to stay in the house for now, then I would just like to get back into the swing of doing it on my own, but he again got insulted as if I was trying to say I did not trust him with it. That is not the case, this is about the only thing I know I can trust him with. Anyway, It's been a week. At first I actually felt great, just relief and for the first time in two years I no longer felt as if I was walking on eggshells. I thought I was going to be ok because seeing him walk out the door did not hurt no where near as bad as I thought it would. As a matter of fact I was wishing that I would have done it a long time ago, but was too afraid of the pain I would feel from loosing him again. I guess the pain of being with him was far worst. Tonight he came by to get some clothes. I tried to be out of the house, but he was here too long and I had no where to go so I finally just came in. Since I only came to this state to have a "fresh start" with him, during one of the only 4 month time span in the whole reltaionship when he treated beyond good, more like a queen, I have no reason to stay here now. It is not as if I had any other ties here and every where I go and every thing I do is just a very painful memory of better times with him. I told him that it was my plan to move back home. I made it very clear to him that, since home for me is so far away that this is a permanent move and I won't do the back and forth thing. We split up before when all the cheating happened and we were both sure it was over back then, but then two months later he was back to make things right and that is what brought us here. So I just needed to make it clear to him that once I am gone that is it, so if there is any glimmer of hope that he may be willing to get the help he needs and fix this before we throw away everthing we accomplished here, this is my last attempt to work it out. He looked me in my eyes as if he was debating and my heart started to pound thinking for one second he was going to snap out of it and agree to get help. That is the only way, I would take him. Finally he shook his head no and said, "I just can't do it, I have tried my best, but you are always yelling and screaming and accusing me of stuff and now you've kicked me and my son out on the streets. I just can't do this no more, it's over." This is a lie, not only did he have options, but if he was leaving, I begged him to leave his son until he had a stable place for him to stay. Plus I do know that they have been staying with one of his friends since day one. I don't know who, but his son did email my daughter and say they were in a house. I know that with bi polar comes denial and inability to take responsibilities for ones actions, but I was heart broken when he put things to me that way. It is hard enough that my all of my hopes and dreams are crashing around me, all of the pain, suffering, begging, pleading and crying I have done for the past two years has been for nothing and since I gave up everything to be here with him, I feel completely abandoned. But he could not even give me the closuer of saying, " I know how hard you tried, but I just didn't want this." That is all I wanted, some kind of confrimation that he acknowledges how much he put me trough and how hard I tried. But he appears to be completely dillusional. Since I have been through this one time in the past, I figured that once he snapped out of this he would look back and understand that it was indeed him that was wrong, but he seems convinced that this is the way things happened. I am just so down and crushed now. I can't believe that he actually believes this. I told him that it really doesn't matter now, because I too agree that it needs to be over, but I begged him to quit dismissing my efforts. I told him he was being cruel and pleaded with him to please acknowledge all I have tried to do here, he just walked away. I have given this marriage 200% of my commitment, I did my part and his put together and he gave 0. My heart is completely broken in half that he can not just give me that one little piece of mind. What difference would it make to him if I'm leaving anyway. I know I just portrayed him as a complete A**hole, but there was a time where we were very, very much in love and perfectly happy and we've had our moments in between. Has all of this been erased from his memory banks, does he really not know how hard I tried? Will he ever know, or will he always believe these things he is saying to be true? Does he even remember that he loved me? He just looks at me so empty and heartlessly while I suffer, he use to cry over sad movies quicker then me. Is he really not in there no more? I feel as if my husband has died. If anybody knows what really goes through the mind of somebody with bi polar, please clairfy this for me. Even if I am not willing to spend the rest of my life catering to his disorder, if he does not want to get better. This is still a man that I love with all of my heart and to think that he is really believing these things and always will is what's killing me now. I am ready to face my life without him, but the thought that he may never know how much I loved him has taken my breath out of me, I have not stopped crying for two hours straight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I am actually doing much better now. I found a job and am just waiting to start (probably within the next week or two). I have also enrolled in college which is something I promised myself I would do as soon as my youngest child started school. She started two years ago, but I was always too busy being my husband's slave to do anything for myself. I figure it will be about two months of working, paying off back bills (my husband let them all fall on me), and saving up what I can before I will be able to move out on my own with my children again. I have not heard from my husband and I do not know for sure how I feel about that. I know that he is with somebody else now and probably was far before I ever left. The reason why I know this is because he can not stand to be alone. If he did not already have somebody else on the side, he would have done anything he had to do to stop me from leaving, but he never even tried. That is not what is bothering me though. While the thought of him with another women does not make me feel good, I try my best to block it out of my mind when ever it seeps in. I know it will not last between him and her or him and anybody until he gets help with his issues. What bothers me now is that I am back in my home town (the place where him and I met)and also the place where we spent our "good times" together. It feels so weird to me because I am glad that I am not with him any more and the reminders of the good times only seem fake to me now, yet each time I see or think of something that reminds me, I feel this overwhelming lonliness. I also feel as if I am being robbed of something because (I know how crazy this is going to sound)he has not called me or attempted to come here and make ammends like he did before and it has been 3 months. Yes I know it is crazy that I want him too and no I could never take him back now no matter what he says or does because even if he managed to be nice for the next 10 years I would always have to live in fear of him snapping and turning on me and my children again and I wont live that way. I just want for him to acknowldge the pain he has caused me and perhaps in all of his begging and pleading he will be able to feel the pain that he has caused. Only then will I be able to believe that he is capiable of being sorry and only then would I be able to forgive him. Am I completely crazy myself for wanting (needing) to forgive a person that does not (at this point in time)acknowledge that they have done wrong. Am I also crazy for reading all the horror stories of how others have lived with this pain so much longer then me and no matter how bad I feel for them, most of the stories end with "and then he came back and begged me" and at this point I almost feel jealous and wonder why my husband has not bothered with me. I know that these are not normal feelings (at least not for me), but could they be normal stages that I am going through after all that has happend in the past 3 months? Will these feelings fade with time?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for you responses. My husband did come back, but only because he had no place else to go. He said he did not want to work things out and he did not need no f-ing help but we were going to be roomates and there was nothing I could do about it. I told him that I was not interested in being his roomate, I put my girls on a plane back home, quit my job and made moving arrangements. I have moved home and as a matter of fact he did try to have me removed from the house by the police with nothing more then the cloths on my back on the day I was leaving. He went down to the courthouse and filed a domestic violance charge against me for "banging on a door and scarring his little boy". The police officer that was serving me with the order could clearly see that I was on my way out the door anyway and I explained to him that yes I did bang on the door because my husband was locked in the bedroom with my diet pills that he likes to take for recreational purpses. As far as scaring his "little boy" that he uses just as much as he uses everyone else in his life, his 13 year old son was in bed while I was banging on the door and slept through the whole episode. When my husband called the police to report that I was banging on the door, they just stood there and told me to get my pills and asked him to leave for work early that morning since I was clearly packing my things - he walked out and left his son with me! Later that afternoon he called from work demanding to know when I was leaving and even though the moving truck was on the way, I did not want him to know so I refused to tell him. He just said ok, I warned you and hung up on me. The officer arrived to serve me with papers about 5 minutes prior to the moving truck arriving. The court order said that I was not to take anything from the house. The officer asked me why my husband would do this if he knows I am leaving and I told him that I was moving 3,ooo miles away and my husband knew I would not be able to come back and fight for the things that I worked for. The officer told me that he had no clue what was or was not in my house and to proceed with what I was doing cause he had no time to stand by and watch. I did wind up leaving the house, but staying in WA state to fight the domestic violance charge since the type of work I do requires me to have nothing at all on my criminal record. The court date was a week away and it took every single penny I had to stay and fight. In the end, my husband did not show up in court and I then had to borrow money from family to get home. The only thing my husband would give me was an old pick up w/ bald tires that he promised to change, but at the last minute refused. I hit the freak blizzards in Colorado and Kansas. I almost drove off the Rocky mountains and died and I also spent the night in a ditch covered in snow on an isolated road in Kansas wondering if I would be found before freezing to death. I was found and I made it home. Now I struggle with trying to find a job and living with my mother who I love and appreciate, but is making me understand why it is I wanted so badly to leave here in the first place. I am still extreemly confused about all that has happened to me, but I do know this - I made it this far, I have stood on my own before and I will find a job and I will stand on my own with my two daughters again. I think that is all I need to know right now. As far as he goes, I have not heard from him and I don't think I ever will again. Dear empty inside, yes you could not be more right about your husband and mine sounding exactly alike. I have done a lot of research into this since I have been home (only for my own personal need to understand what has happened to me and what I can expect next). Anyway, if you are still with your husband start researching and looking into treatments for BPD. I use to think that BPD was bi-polar disorder, but it actually stands for Boderline personality disorder. No matter how much it sounded like my husband had every sympton for bi-polar, I have found that BPD describs him (and your husband) to the tee! I have also found that the #1 underlying fear of people with BPD is abandonment and the treatment for BPD is very different then it is for bi-polar. You will need a specialist in that area. I am not trying to get your hopes up, I am only telling you what I have learned. The truth is that there is much less of a chance for somebody to recover from BPD then there is for somebody recovering from bi-polar, but if your husband is willing to accept that he is ill and open to treatment it is not hopeless neither. I know what you are going through and you can not go through this or help him, your marriage or your children unless you get counceling too. That is what gave me the strenght to leave and it may just give you the stength to stay if that is what you have decided to do. Either way, you are in my heart and prayers because believe me I know your pain all too well. Please fell free to email me privetly anytime you need to talk. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for you responses. My husband did come back, but only because he had no place else to go. He said he did not want to work things out and he did not need no f-ing help but we were going to be roomates and there was nothing I could do about it. I told him that I was not interested in being his roomate, I put my girls on a plane back home, quit my job and made moving arrangements. I have moved home and as a matter of fact he did try to have me removed from the house by the police with nothing more then the cloths on my back on the day I was leaving. He went down to the courthouse and filed a domestic violance charge against me for "banging on a door and scarring his little boy". The police officer that was serving me with the order could clearly see that I was on my way out the door anyway and I explained to him that yes I did bang on the door because my husband was locked in the bedroom with my diet pills that he likes to take for recreational purpses. As far as scaring his "little boy" that he uses just as much as he uses everyone else in his life, his 13 year old son was in bed while I was banging on the door and slept through the whole episode. When my husband called the police to report that I was banging on the door, they just stood there and told me to get my pills and asked him to leave for work early that morning since I was clearly packing my things - he walked out and left his son with me! Later that afternoon he called from work demanding to know when I was leaving and even though the moving truck was on the way, I did not want him to know so I refused to tell him. He just said ok, I warned you and hung up on me. The officer arrived to serve me with papers about 5 minutes prior to the moving truck arriving. The court order said that I was not to take anything from the house. The officer asked me why my husband would do this if he knows I am leaving and I told him that I was moving 3,ooo miles away and my husband knew I would not be able to come back and fight for the things that I worked for. The officer told me that he had no clue what was or was not in my house and to proceed with what I was doing cause he had no time to stand by and watch. I did wind up leaving the house, but staying in WA state to fight the domestic violance charge since the type of work I do requires me to have nothing at all on my criminal record. The court date was a week away and it took every single penny I had to stay and fight. In the end, my husband did not show up in court and I then had to borrow money from family to get home. The only thing my husband would give me was an old pick up w/ bald tires that he promised to change, but at the last minute refused. I hit the freak blizzards in Colorado and Kansas. I almost drove off the Rocky mountains and died and I also spent the night in a ditch covered in snow on an isolated road in Kansas wondering if I would be found before freezing to death. I was found and I made it home. Now I struggle with trying to find a job and living with my mother who I love and appreciate, but is making me understand why it is I wanted so badly to leave here in the first place. I am still extreemly confused about all that has happened to me, but I do know this - I made it this far, I have stood on my own before and I will find a job and I will stand on my own with my two daughters again. I think that is all I need to know right now. As far as he goes, I have not heard from him and I don't think I ever will again. Dear empty inside, yes you could not be more right about your husband and mine sounding exactly alike. I have done a lot of research into this since I have been home (only for my own personal need to understand what has happened to me and what I can expect next). Anyway, if you are still with your husband start researching and looking into treatments for BPD. I use to think that BPD was bi-polar disorder, but it actually stands for Boderline personality disorder. No matter how much it sounded like my husband had every sympton for bi-polar, I have found that BPD describs him (and your husband) to the tee! I have also found that the #1 underlying fear of people with BPD is abandonment and the treatment for BPD is very different then it is for bi-polar. You will need a specialist in that area. I am not trying to get your hopes up, I am only telling you what I have learned. The truth is that there is much less of a chance for somebody to recover from BPD then there is for somebody recovering from bi-polar, but if your husband is willing to accept that he is ill and open to treatment it is not hopeless neither. I know what you are going through and you can not go through this or help him, your marriage or your children unless you get counceling too. That is what gave me the strenght to leave and it may just give you the stength to stay if that is what you have decided to do. Either way, you are in my heart and prayers because believe me I know your pain all too well. Please fell free to email me privetly anytime you need to talk. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, emptyinside +, writes (17 May 2009):
I cannot even begin to tell you how much this sounds like my life I'm reading about. Only, I have been with my husband for 8 years. Married for 3 (we got married on my birthday)and since we have not celebrated 1 anniversary or my birthday. Looking back on our relationship, it is during this time of year when my husband "flips" for lack of a better word. I'll back up a little to give a better understanding my life with a bipolar. He was married when we started seeing each other, only he told me he wasnt (said going thru divorce). We worked together and had been friends prior to dating. for the first 3 months it was great. We had gotten along wonderfully and had sooooo much fun. We fell in love immediately and it was hard to find us apart. Didnt last very long, though. I had no idea what lied ahead. We went through all of the "typical" bipolar stuff - gambling excessively, drinking himself silly at times, disappearing for days with no word, blowing our money, and never wanting to apologize for what he had put me through. He would say he was sorry for walking out and leave it at that. I accepted him back each and every time with the belief that he really did love me and wanted to be with me, he just had trouble saying it. Our love was huge and I miss it so much.Oh, I forgot to mention that each time he left or said he was unhappy was because he felt like our sex life was not meeting his expectations. He would say that "sex is part of a healthy relationship, half, if not more than half".But he could never tell me what the rest of the relationship was about. He would just tell me I needed to go see a doctor and get myself fixed because it was me with the problem. In December of 2007, we sold the home I had purchased (by myself)and had lived in for 13 years. We bought a 3000 s/f home 4 br/2.5 baths to better fit our huge family. we have 5 children between us. Since then, his mood swings were getting worse. He would come home so drunk and start fights in front of the children. He would actually call the police to come "protect" him as he was packing his things to leave. I was so afraid of him hurting me infront of the children, so I would just let him do what he needed. Keep in mind that he would always come back, I would forgive him without him saying he was sorry for the things I was going through and proceed to live life again like nothing ever happened. I gave up on talking about our issues a long time ago. I threw myself into work, children, our new home so that I would be doing things that had rewarding benefits. Our relationship worsened. In may of 2008 he finally went to the doctor and was, of course, diagnosed as having manic/bipolar disorder. He always new that something was wrong, but he would never talk to me about it. Looking back I beleive it was his fear of abandonment. He started taking medication until he decided that he wasnt going to take the meds anymore. He thought that the meds were going to fix us and his whole issue about the sex. Well when I would try to explain to him (about once a week we went through this) that I wasnt avoiding him, just busy and that I loved him, he would lash out and say that I didn't care, and I was doing nothing for our relationship, I did nothing for him, etc. The words cut me like a knife. I lived my life for him. I loved him so much that no matter what was wrong with us, i made the commitment to him to be his wife. I MEANT THAT!!! The truth is that even though I meant I would always be his wife, he had taken away all of the good I had inside of me. His bipolar actions against me and our marriage, has made me a shell of the person I was before we started our lives together. He would say that "anybody can was clothes or pay the bills" (which I have always done). He has never been able to hold a job and I was raised to be independent. I was inlove with him, but I didnt want to "depend" on him financially. Well all of these things about me are no longer.I was fired from my job in July of 2008, 1 month before Hurricane Gustav swept through Baton Rouge. I was fired because of my inability to perform my duties due to the fact of my bipolar husband. About a month before this, my husband went through an episode that was far, far worse than any before. He filed false charges of spousal abuse against me, had me evicted from my home (and my children), and ultimately I was given a misdemeanor charge of simple battery - domestic violence. I felt like my life was over. Everything I and sometimes he, worked for had been for squat. He did drop the charges, and, to make a long story short, got back together. Against all of what my family suggested. He got back on his medication, I helped him remember to take it and for a while it seemed ok. Then he tells me that he has not been on his meds. Well, I was floored (keeping it inside as I did not want to set him off) and I asked him why. He said because of his job and the possible side effects of the medication. I suggested talking to his doctor. Of course, he said he could control it. BIPOLAR SILLY. YOU CANT CONTROL IT!!! EVER. Not without the proper medication and therapy. Will he ever be able to see what he does? Not only to me but to our children. He has had so many jobs and just up and quits all of them with no word. That is what he does to me. When he goes through an episode, he blames me for what is wrong, I cry, he tries to make me feel like I'm loosing my mind, then he says I'm just too difficult and he cant do this anymore. Ironically, that is how I feel about him. He has been gone for 2 weeks now. I have spoken to him for the first time for about 10 minutes when he came to the house to "pick up the rest of his clothes". He was so drunk that he would stumble and slur his words. Well, I know what not to do when he is like this - talk. If I try to explain anything, he just turns around and walks away. Never acknowledges my feelings at all. I never went back to work after being fired. We had damages from the hurricane that never would have been taken care of had I not been able to take care of it. He had a wonderful job, he makes a lot of money and we decided that this was the thing to do for now. Keep in mind that I have always been able to take care of myself and my children. I have worked since I was 14 years old. I was never going to depend on someone else to take care of me and my children. Well, so much for that. He has not given me a single penny in over 2 weeks. I havent even asked. I'm so scared, though. What do I do. I tried to approach him with the whole "Ill be here for you as I have always been if you want to help yourself through this and get help for your disease." He shook his head and said he would be fine. Well, he will not be fine. I will not be fine nor will our children unless he gets the help he needs. How do I convince him that he does need help. His problem is getting worse and I am so scared for him. And why does he seem to be worse around Mother's day? Every year. Typically all holidays and birthdays, anniversaries, seem to be hard on him, but especially around this time of year. I have shed the tears, blamed myself for not seeing the onset of his manic episodes. IM LOSING MY MIND!!!
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A
female
reader, blueskize1 +, writes (14 February 2009):
Hi I was married to a bi-polar man who has other relatives with this. I left him after 20 years I had to to keep my sanity. He lid he cheated he even started hitting me more and more. He would disappear and not answer his cell phone. He cheated over 30 times. We did go to counseling and they said he maybe Bi-polar so we had him checked and sure enough he was and put on meds right away. Made him more strange I just couldn't take it any longer. One day I said enough is enough so I packed his bags put them outside and said come get your things. At that time he was hanging out with a woman from the rehab center we sent him to. He is gone now for 3 years I met someone else and we are engaged and I am very happy. Bi-polar isn't easy to deal with his sister had it too real bad and my ex-brother in-law left her also. You have to make a decision it's hard I know. I think my son may have it he is 18yrs old. Mood swings are real hard to deal with so think hard and long on this one. This maybe the hardest decision you will ever make, mine was a wise one. Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (14 February 2009):
You do not seem to have grasped the fact that he is Mentally Ill.
He will not acknowledge the fact that he is acting crazily because he is MENTALLY ILL, it's all normal to him. He will not accept that you have been the one trying to save the marriage and putting in effort because he is MENTALLY ILL and to him, he has been acting normally and you've then kicked off about it.
His closing statement of "well this is all your fault so I am dumping you." was just his NORMAL way of doing things. At that point in row, you would normally have said you were sorry and he would have gone back to normal. That was the pattern:
Have disagreement
Turn it on you till you lost it
Make a big deal of the fact that you lost it
Make you appologise
"Forgive" You and carry on till next time
This time, rather than just screaming, you did the right thing and threw him out, so he was expecting a BIG apology.
In his mind, it's been your choice to end it because it's your fault. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. But he is sick in the head so that will never click.
If you are depressed then you become very Self Centric. Everything is about you and you lose the ability to take into account the feelings of others.
You have done the right thing in leaving and moving home. You can't beat yourself up about it or blame yourself or get angry with the injustice that he is wandering round blaming you. The bitterness will eat you up and it's not healthy.
Get your life sorted and accept that you've had a crap few years but you took control of your life and now you have a bright future ahead of you. That is all that matters. Find a job back in your home state and move back there asap. He can have the house back and you will be free.
Good Luck!! xx
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