A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I believe my husband has a problem with alcohol, and I am just not sure how to deal with it anymore.Everyday, after work, he'd go to the off licence and buy vodka quarter bottle, and sit and drink it all while watching TV after work. He says it's not that much in a quarter bottle, but drinking one a day is WAAAY over the RDA units. I said no normal 20 year old drinks like that on their own unless there is a problem, and his response was that he was an adult, and if he wanted a drink after a hard day at work then he would have one. This went on for a while, and then I began to find hidden empty bottles of wine and vodka, and when I confronted him it just led to a row. He said he doesn't drink anywhere near as much as the average 20-21 year old. One night when he and I went out for tea, he got so drunk he got threw out of the restaurant, and I couldn't find him anywhere. I had to phone my stepdad to come and get me, and we had to drive round town trying to find him. Eventually, we found him wandering aimlessly in the early hours of the morning, he had pissed himself, lost our house keys and his car keys, and had no idea who he was.After this he swore off drink, because he could see how out of hand it had gotten, but now we are falling back into the same pattern.I want him to go to AA or anything that will help, but how can I get him to go when he is now refusing to admit there is a problem? He's downplaying the incident at the restaurant as if it wasn't as bad as it was, and acting like it never happened. I will also mention that his mom is currently in hospital with liver chirossis, due to alcoholism, so there is definitely a genetic predisposition to having problems with drink. Even my mum, who doesn't usually jump to my defence, says she noticed on holiday he was knocking back drink at every oppertunity. Its as if he just can't seem to get enough. I am at the end of my tether. Should I give him an ultimatum, and how can I get him to accept help for his addiction?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 August 2014):
 "they' say9whoever they are) that a heavy drinker has to hit bottom before he or she will ask for or accept help. I don't know wher 'bottom' is in your case but it sounds like he hit it several times already. You may have, and I hope this isn't the case but you may have already lost him and it's time to begin planning your own future. Good Luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): I've been in a very, very similar situation to yours except that I stayed and pleaded for years with my partner to sort out his drinking - in the end it only got worse.If his mum is an alcoholic then she won't have psychologically given him a sense of wellbeing and independence and security when he's been growing up - she may well love him, but 100% she won't have been able to give him what he needs to mature as an adult. This will make it impossible for him to cope with things/life/work/everything in a mature way. So he drinks to a. cope b. raise his self esteem temporarily.Until he understands this is a pattern, he hasn't got any real hope of overcoming it.One other thing to check for - does he show signs of ADHD? I ask because ADHD people have a chemical over-reaction to alcohol - very basically speaking, ADHD's don't get enough dopamine to the brain and, when they have one drink, they get a massive surge of dopamine, so this feels totally amazing for them and they almost cannot help but want more. Dopamine is the other thing that regulates our stress levels and helps us to cope with life - so if he is in constant short supply, he will keep splurging as a way of 'self-medicating'. Other things like exercise and strong routines can help with ADHD. He may NOT have this, my ex partner did, as well as an alcoholic mother and was almost identical in behaviour to your partner.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 August 2014):
 Sadly he is the only one who can ask for help when he finally admits to himself he has a problem
Your right to be concerned but he is the only one who can help himself.
He should take a long hard look at the consequences, his own mother for a start. He is still young yes, but he isn't a weekend binge drinker he's way beyond that.
You can offer to go to see his GP with him, so he can be referred but if he is in denial then it won't happen.
Perhaps one of his friends could try to get through to him?
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