A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Does anybody know anything about Bi Polar Disorder?I think my husband has it and he has reached a point where I can no longer rationally speak to him. He seems to have no capablity to take adult responsibility for any of his actions and although he completely denies it he is unable to acknowledge anybody elses feelings. If he is disrespectful and I get upset, it is not his fault for disrespecting me, it is my fault for getting upset. He tells me I am sick and I need to get help because I get upset when he treats me bad. It seems as if the only things that matter to him are the things he thinks, feels, needs and wants. He does not even appear to have any human compassion left in him and I am beginning to believe that any he has ever shown has been fake, or in situations where he can get something out of it even if just some attention or a good pat on the back. I almost feel as if everything he does is for self gain and if he has nothing to gain he turns as unfeeling and uncaring as a monster. If I try to reason with him he will twist my words, become sarcastic and cut me off. I do not believe I have been able to get a full sentance out in the past 6 months, yet he always puts his own meanings to what I am trying to say, he refuses to listen or allow me to speak. If I continue to try he will just become blatenly disrespectful and walk away and ignore me. I know this sounds horriable, but he has not always been this way, it has been progressive, I know he is very sick. He is not physically abusive, but he hurts me badly with his behavior and the way he treats me. His mother is exactly like him and he appears to be able to reconize that there is something wrong with her, he even says she is crazy. On his birthday when she did not call him he was so hurt and acted as if she should be shot, but on my birthday he did not as much as get me a card and when I got upset because he did not even think of me, he only got mad at me for getting upset. That was not the end of my world, but just a small example of the double standard he lives by. Does he really not understand that something is wrong with him? I do love him and if he is sick I want to do all I can to help him, but I don't know how and it is not as if he is going to cooperate. He is just getting worst and worst. Is there anything I can do? This is distroying our family and half of me wants to hate him, but the other half keeps saying he is your husband and he is sick help him. I know that everyone is going to say that he is just abusive and he is, but is there a differance between a person who wants to be abusive and a person with a disorder? I am not in denial and if I had never met his mother, I probably would agree that he is just an abusive a**hole. Since this does appear to run in their family, I do beleive that it is a disorder. Diorders are treatable right? If somebody is abusive because they have a disorder and the abuse is a sympton, does that mean they can get treatment and will not longer be abusive? I am very confused? I would really love to hear from somebody who has delt with this problem in their own life and know if there is any hope for him at all and if so what would I need to do to get him to at least acknowledge that he has a problem? I just tried approching him and telling him flat out that I think he has BPD and he needs help, I told him that I love him and I want to stand by him and help him in any way I can, that did not go over too well and now he is ignoring me again. Does anybody know if there is anything I can do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kawelch26 +, writes (11 June 2010):
Dear Anonymous,
I feel like I was just reading the story of my own husband and our own marriage problems. I know that my husband is a good person. I know that he has a lot of love in him, and I know that something is wrong. I do not have the answer. I am just beginning my search for help - after months/years of suffering through his mood swings. We have one child together and I am now pregnant, and it is as if there is nothing "special" about me right now. It is all about him...how he feels...he's tired, or something happened at work...excuse after excuse about why he is mean, unloving, or noncommunicative. He doesn't even know what is wrong.
I don't know where to go from here, but I beleive that I can convince him to have a psychological evaluation - one thing I have that you don't. However, I could be wrong. The one thing that is very predictable about him is, ironically, how unpredictable he is. So I plan to call local therapists in the area and see if they can help me. I will ask if they specialize in bordeline personality disorder, as this seems to be the definition of my husband, and go from there. My email is [email address blocked] if you'd like to personally communicate about our journeys...I feel pretty lonely right now. I cannot talk about this with friends or family or they would be disgusted by him, and that is not what I want. I have tried, and have damaged friendships/relationships because they can't understand why I stay with him. Speaking with someone who does understand may help to ease the pain.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): Read this article, it will hopefully help you to get some sort of insight: http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/art16.htm
My personal understanding is that meds and counceling can make Bipolar disorder easier and make most of the symptoms disappear, yet the disorder is in your husband's genes and also if you have any kids or will have kids then watch out for possible Bipolar signs. Although it is a disorder it is similar to any abuse and most abusers do not realize that their behaviour is unhealthy. People learn from their parents, as a child of a abuser the child will grow up and become the abuser or the person who is abused as an adult. With kids of people with Bipolar disorder the child will develope Bipolar disorder traits if the child does not have a stable loving home.
Good luck and be strong.
P.S. you also need to see a councelor. Most parters of Bipolar people will become co-dependent have depression if the disorder is not treated. And your husband needs to see a doc. And also he needs to take meds and go to counceling if he has Bipolar disorder.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. When ever I am having an issue that involves another person, I always try to get to points of view from others who have been there themselves so that I can remain as objective as possible. This is such a hard one though. Because from what I am understanding is that my husband is sick and he can be helped. I do believe that he too would be responsive to treatment because we have been to counceling once before. This though was marriage counceling, I did not understand the extent of his problems back then. The counceling did start to make some positive changes in him. This is totally different though. From all have have read I do truly believe that he does have BPD and I think he has bouts of depression, but it is very hard to tell with him since he is just grouchy most of the time even when he is speaking to me. I also understand that no matter how badly I may want him to get better and no matter how much I know that if he could just see how bad he hurts us he would want to get better, the point is making him see this is not something that is within my power. He would have to see it on his own. Since he was not able to see it with his first wife, he probably will not see it with me. Perhaps if he continues to loose people and relationships one day he will began to understand, but I do not think that day is anywhere in sight for him and I do have children to think about. Since his mother is in her late 50's, the whole family says she is crazy and can not stand to be around her, she herself can not hold on to a reltaionship for more then a month and still thinks it is everybody elses fault, he probably will always follow in her path. I am getting help for me, it is all I can do. Thank You.
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A
female
reader, Auntie Stoned +, writes (6 February 2009):
Your husband is selfish and has this syndrome of attention greedy institution. I believe it is the way he was brought up. Was he an only child and without a father? Because the mother behaves in certain way, the child she brought up would most likely take after her. I know of a friend whose husband and his mother behave exactly like yours. Her husband went for psychologist and psychiatrist treatments but yielded no result. It all boiled down to his childhood trauma and upbringing. See what makes your husband happy and accomodate his interests. Dont accuse him of anything. Just be pleasant and nicey nicey wifey to him. Then take this opportunity to convince him you both need to see counsellor/psychologist. That way he wont feel that you're placing blame on him alone eventhough he is the guilty one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): right. If he is indeed bipolar then he will have both sets of mood. you have explained what could be seen as mania and even psycosis. You didnt mention anything about depression? is he depressed to?bipolar comes into two categories. Bipolar type one and type two. type one is used to discribe someone who has it really badly. type two is mild. both type one can be treated, i myself have bipolar i have had to deal with it myslef but for the most i dont remember because of how high i was. my partner was there and all i know is that i wasn't the same person.the point is he is still there the affects of depression mania and even psycosis can change a person and make them totally different but call all be treated and managed. please please. do the right thing and get help now. if he will not have help if when you try and get him to a doctors or the like he says no or is abusive. find your local home treatment team. they will assess him at your home. finally if you have to have him admited i was and it only took a week before i was well because i reacted so well to treatment after careful obs. good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): I feel your pain.My daughter is Bipolar. I was at an advantage because she was a teenager when she was diagnosed and I forced her to go to the doctor. This would be difficult with an ill adult. They do not recognize that they are the sick ones. Everything will be your fault.They will treat you like shit,you will become depressed and you will need meds. My daughter was first diagnosed as having chronic depression when I admitted her to the psych unit. she was there for two weeks and they put her on anti-depressants. What a big mistake. she appeared to get better for about 3 weeks then increasingly worse.we started going to a psychiatrist like the hospital told us to and it was not for about 3 months before the doctor diagnosed her as bi-polar.This only happened because i told her of my observations and of my daughter attitude. I know it is hard because you know that if they were not sick they would not act that way but it still does not make it o.k. You will need to be very careful Bi-polar people can become very dangerous to you and themselves in a blink of an eye if untreated. I would suggest sitting down with him and ask him to see a psychiatrist and you will need to go with him. If you do not go with him to tell the doctor what you observe then he will not get the help he needs because in his mind nothing is wrong. If he refuses to go than I would suggest leaving him.You can't live like that, it is going to get worse if untreated. Our doctor saved our lives,now that my daughter is on meds we can live a somewhat normal life. she has learned to recognize when the meds are not working as well and she will need to have them adjusted. we can tell if she misses a dose and make sure she takes it right away. once they stop taking their meds for to long it is hard to get them to start taking them again because they become unreasonable.Good luck
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