A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think my partner is still hung up on his ex. The reasons I think this are: 1) he won't kiss me properly (tongues are a definite no-no) as he says when he used to kiss her she wanted more than just kissing. I have assured him I am not the same.2) he will only have sex when HE decides. If I try to initiate he gets angry and says that she used to do this all the time and she wanted it 3x a day. 3) he limits how many times a week we can have sex because of the above. His ideal is 3x a week. I like a bit of spontaneity occasionally! 4) he complains if we have sex in any position other Than missionary saying that she was always making him change positions and do different things. 5) fore play is a huge no-no as he claims she made him do it for hours6) I often find it hard to climax through intercourse alone when I don't climax he is angry with me and says she used to come quickly 7) I am not allowed to touch him down there if I ask or try he gets mad - she is the only one who was allowed They have been split up for 2 years. I got with him not long after they split on the information that they had been split long before I met him this was in fact a lie as he left her to pursue me. I'm confused. I don't understand why he won't invest any time in trying to know me physically I have tried talking to him, I am not sure if he is hung up on her or what is wrong with him he will not talk to me, I have asked him if there's anything I can do better he says I am perfect but I know he's lying! Who thinks he is hung up on her. What do you think Is going on? Also she is ten years younger than me does anyone think this matters?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (23 February 2013):
 I don't think this has anything to do with his ex. When he was with his ex, he did quite a few things FOR HER sexually that he disliked. He didn't want to have sex 3x a day, but he did it for her. He only wanted missionary, but because of her, he was changing sexual positions. He did hours of foreplay even though he didn't want to AND he let her touch his dick.As you will notice, even though he didn't like a list of things, he did them regardless. She demanded it and she got what he wanted sexually. You on the other hand are not getting anything. The main reason why you're not getting anything is because you're not demanding anything. He realized that he can do whatever he wants to do and you'll just sit back and take it. He's selfish and has no regard for your needs and you're OK with it as you're still with him.Did you ever think that maybe he is just using the "my ex did/wanted ___ so I am not doing it anymore" BS just so he can have an excuse? He ALREADY did not like certain sexual things, but he did them because his ex wanted it. His dislikes did not change over time. It's not like he loved foreplay, loved sex daily, or loved different positions. He NERE liked those things. He just found a woman, who he can bully and guilt into doing exactly what he pleases and play victim of his demanding ex. This dude won't change. Cut your losses and get out.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 February 2013):
 You gave 7 points, so I'm going to respond with 7 points:
1. What guy in the world does NOT want a girl to want more when they kiss?? That makes no sense. Did he have his penis bronzed with his exes name engraved on it?
2. You have no idea how many guys would KILL to have their girl want sex like you do. Most complaints is that the girl doesn't want it enough or won't initiate.
3. He limits sex?!? See #2. You are most guy's ultimate fantasy - a girl who loves sex!
4. You're not a pillow or a fleshlight or a blow-up doll. You're not the inanimate sex toy for his amusement. What an asshat.
5. Again, no consideration for your pleasure, and to blame an ex is borderline imbicile. I feel bad for his ex and can imagine her running screaming from the relationship.
6. I think his girlfriend probably faked it just to get him the hell away from her. His getting mad at you?? What a laugh. He sucks at sex.
7. Again, 99.9% of other guys would love to go 24/7 with a woman caressing him at will. I wonder if his ex took out a restraining order against him.
Stop asking him what *you* can do better and tell him that he needs to take his sorely lacking manhood and shove it up his lunatic ass. He needs to make a paper mache doll of his ex so he can go screw it, and leave you to find a guy 1000x better than that poor excuse for a man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): also forgot to mention he is actually my age-if that matters
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): He's still hung up on her all right, but not in the usual wants-her-back way. I've heard of women having sexual hang-ups because of mistreatment or bad experiences at the hands of past lovers, and while this is the first I've personally heard of a guy having a similar experience, there's no reason why that can't happen and clearly this is what's going on with your BF.Some of the advice you've been given seems a bit harsh. I can pretty much guarantee that if a guy posted on here saying his GF didn't want sex as much as he did because she'd been pressured into it in a past relationship, people would be telling him to take things slowly and respect her feelings. I think that street goes both ways.That said, two years is a long time for him not to have realized that you're a different person and won't treat him that same way. I wouldn't dump him immediately because of this, but it's also an issue that *needs* to be addressed as it's critical to the health of your relationship. If you can't get him to go to counseling about it (go with him, if that's what it takes), then reconsider whether this guy is the right one for you. Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): I dont think he's hung up on his ex. I think he's just a control freak at the very least in bed. Id tell him to kiss my ass good bye and find someone who wants to be partners in everything, including sex. Granted you wont always get what you want when you want but he should be willing to please you the way you please him. Its all a compromise.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 Poster.. this is the first time here on dearcupid that I actually 100% agrees with the poster. Yes. Your man is too hung up on his ex, and all these rules about sex are ridiculous! He's punishing you for things SHE used to do! You're not allowed to initiate because she used to do it all the time???
This is all just weird, and if you ask me it sounds like such a bother. Why would you put up with this form of treatment? And the constant reminder of how his ex used to do this or that? I'm sure you feel like sometimes it was you who were in a relationship with her, because of how big a part she still plays!
Your boyfriend isn't over her. Not to say he wants her back, oh no. He probably despises her. But that's just it, he's not through dealing with the leftover emotions from their relationship, he's still holding a grudge, he's still so bitter and angry with her. And he's punishing you, because she's not around any longer.
I mean.. it's almost like everything you do reminds him of her? If he was over her then he'd not think about her at all, and only think about you. But when you have sex, and SHE is so much on his mind that he can't do this or that because of it?? Then something is wrong.
Him being younger than you could matter, maybe this is his immature way of handling things. But it could also be just who he is, no matter what age.
How long have you been with him? I'm not sure he's actually ready to be in a relationship with anyone if he's still so hung up on his ex. It's almost like an obsession.
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A
male
reader, sluke  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 Well you should give thought (serious thought) to leaving. He's too caught up in things he cannot reason and solve - common ground be an exception as well. You don't want be controlled and supplicating much too often to a no brainer, controlling and manipulative guy.I wish you best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): By the looks of it he doesn't know what he wants - quiet lost should we think. Controlling and demanding are traits of the immature. Should you find it hard to cope then I strongly suggest you cut him lose and carry on. Find a guy who will share his everything with you - mutual understanding and love. May the best be gained by you.Good luck my friend.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 February 2013):
Hung up or not, this guy is nuts. I haven't heard such ridiculous crap in ages.
There is nothing you can do here, but he needs therapy. Personally I wouldn't have put up with this if I was you. Not for a minute.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): Sorry but I have to agree with previous posters.
The guy is just being an immature, controlling nutcase. His way or no way. Enjoy your life of shit sex and no fulfilment OP or walk and date a real man who views your sexual fulfilment as an integral part of his.
1) I get that some people don't like French kissing, that's fair enough if they don't like it but this guy uses the most bullshit and insulting excuse ever. He thinks if he kisses you, you'll want more? Not only is that patronizing in the extreme he adds to that by comparing you to an ex? Strike one and two. You never allow someone punish you on the basis of their past experiences, fuck that OP, you're your own woman that deserves her own kind of respect.
2) Gets angry if you initiate sex? Well that's fucked up right there. Do I really need to go into detail with what is so very wrong in that equation? Strike three, OP, he's out. Again what's his "reason"? His ex did that, so his solution to that being a supposed to annoyance to him? Cut you completely down any time you try, only have sex when he wants. That doesn't make sense OP because it's not logical and if that really is his reason then that's even worse because it makes him an absolute child. Strike four.
3) The sex is regimented and boring in frequency. 4) Only missionary. 5) No foreplay. 6) Gets angry with you if you don't climax, you simply can't really climax from missionary alone. 7) He gets mad when you try to touch his langer too.
OP why are you with this guy? Two years of this? I mean come on, are you still that naive that you think the ex is the real issue here, after two years OP? I think you love this so much you're trying to hope this gets better. You're so focused on the ex being the issue and the hope he'll finally realize you're not her and relax or some shit, well that's not going to happen.
OP this is nothing to do with his ex and you know it. You're grasping at straws to try and find a way of making a wholly selfish and domineering control freak, into a guy who cares about your sexual fulfilment. It's never going to happen and frankly OP you need to take a good long look at your question, read it a few times, let all this shit really sink in for once and finally do the right thing by yourself and walk away. After 2 years a person cannot use what an ex did as an excuse for anything, 2 years is enough to know you're not her. He simply does not give a shit about making you sexually happy, in fact the fucker gets angry if you don't do things his way. Again OP, you're not a teenager why are you still with this guy and tolerating all this in your life?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2013):
 Working backwards here...
her age does not matter
he's not hung up on her, he's using her as a way to keep you under his thumb and controlled. He wants what he wants when he wants it and he does not care what you want.
If she was his first serious relationship he may be stuck with her as his "guide" and not be flexible enough to branch out from what he knows.
He has a lot of issues and hang ups and at your age it's not worth settling for a man who is not sexually satisfying or emotionally available.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 I don't think he is hung up on his ex. Actually he feels better that you are 10 years older. Maybe to him, that means you have less energy and are less sexually demanding. He is trying to take control of his sexual life but not repeating what they did. He could not keep up with her. So rather than trying to futilely satisfy a woman with high needs, he is asserting what he can or can't do. He could be overdoing this because he got sensitive. I would say his last relationship ended because of sexual issues. He has no feelings for her, but the last relationship affected his ego so much he can't just relax and have fun. There is nothing more emasculating than a woman telling a man that sexually he is not good enough. He is just trying to regain control by making rules, to avoid another bad outcome, breakup. He is also trying to control your sexuality, that everything is on his terms.
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