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male
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anonymous
writes: I recently went through my girlfriends emails, which I know was wrong but I suspected something sick was going on.I found emails from her half brother from before we got together suggesting they were having a sexual relationship. It was consensual. My girfriend is 18 and he is 31. They did not grow up together - they only met a couple of years ago. The emails did not mention any abuse or anything, they both seemed to want a relationship and talked about how in love they were. I felt sick when I saw them.I confronted my girlfriend and she denied it, made some excuse about someone else using her brothers email account - but I know from some of the things mentioned in the email that this is not true. We have now split up.My girlfriend mentioned, while never actually admitting it, that whatever had happened had stopped when me and her got together (about a year ago). However, she still sees her half brother 2-3 times a week and stays at his house - she even tells her mum she is staying at mine sometimes.I really don't know what to do - I don't know if I should tell someone like her mum about what I saw. If, like she says, whatever happened is not happening anymore, maybe I am just ruining her relationship with her mum and all her her family by telling someone. But if this is still going on someone has to help her. I know she is 18 and an adult and it was consensual, but she has had a lot happen to her in her life and is vulnerable. he is 31 and should know better and is sick! i feel sick just writing this.I have told her that whatever has happened in her life and in the past I don't care and love her, and will always be there for her.My head has been going round in torment for the last 2 weeks since I saw it not knowing what to do for the best. Please help!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (30 September 2005):
 I can tell that this disturbs you, but it isn't your battle to fight. You don't "tell" anyone, least of all her mother. As you say, this young woman is over the age of consent. Even though it sounds sick to you, if she's choosing to have a sexual relationship with her half-brother, it's her choice. She's an adult.
Because they didn't grow up together, and because there are a lot of years between them, it's possible that they don't have the built-in "yuck" factor that siblings usually develop, as an instinctive avoidance to inbreeding. In addition, your girlfriend might have glamourised her half-brother in her mind, particularly if she's an only child. She might have had a lonely childhood and this is an (over)reaction to those years with no one else in her family to share things with. That's just my speculation, but I'm not trying to defend her choices. I don't have to, and she doesn't either. They're hers to make and frankly, as repellant as you find it, you have no business talking to anyone about it.
What you *can* do, is make your own decision about whether her choice cancels any feelings you have for her, because you'll never be able to have a true relationship with someone whose sexual history makes you shudder. You can try, but you'll always be thinking about it, and ultimately, you'll reject her because of it.
There's also a hint in your note that she might still be carrying on this relationship with her half-brother. If she is, her cheating on you shows where her loyalties lie.
You need to look inside yourself and analyse your own feelings about this. If you're convinced that it's past and over, then can you learn to overlook it? Can you forgive her for their relationship? Can you deal with the fact that she still sees him often? If you can't, I urge you to make the break now, rather than keep pretending that it doesn't matter.
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