A
male
age
36-40,
*uter1
writes:Dear readers, i’m with my girl friend a logn time –maybe 3 years, and everything wen well sinc from october she went to study in another city, and this will happen till mai.At the beggining it ws hard, and we were happing,only the last 10 days we had arguing every day, cause of family problems, and today she told me that she has a friend at university and he likes her a lot and she told me she likes him too « as a friend » or not i didn’t understand.so i was really mad at her because she didn’t telle the other guy to « back off » and it’s been 2 weeks since he really began liking her.I don’t know what to do.We were talking with her every day 3 hours,and today i told her to have a small break and not to talk for a couple of days,and think about everything.and she added some words that shoked me: “don’t tell me you don’t like other girls at the university” I think she likes him more then friend.I’m really scared cause i love her a lot.Thank you for your advices.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 I'm happy to hear that she is reaching out to you! You have to give her space to breathe, give her time to miss you and relax. She loves you, she doesn't want to be your entire world, if that makes sense.
You're not being cold to her, you are giving her time and space to be herself, and then she can reach out to you instead of you doing all the reaching all the time. Too much neediness is not sexy, Luter, it makes a girl feel like a mother instead of an equal.
Keep me posted and have a wonderful weekend!
A
male
reader, luter1 +, writes (21 April 2010):
luter1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Tisha-1 well i did as i sad,and it worked a lot, my mobile is full of sms from her.And i think i finnaly understood, in fact i talked to one of her friends that in reality is a friend with me(we grew up together) and in fact she was tiered a bit that every time i was telling her "i love you," too much calls.I think this words are true: "the colder you are the more people come to you"
In fact she had send me an sms, that she will be visiting my city for 2-3 days.And in 1 week we'll see each over.I think it was just my obsesion that was killing everything.And as always you were right:)
Thanks again,and hope to here some news from you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2010):
Hi Luter, I have had a chance to read your followup. In rereading your question, I see that she returns in May, is that correct? So you only have one month to go, before she is back?
I think you are doing your best to manage your anxiety about this, but I think you should give her more space. I agree that you can take a break for a couple of days. My suggestion to you is that you don't tell her that you are going to do this. I think you should just take that break without letting her know that you're not going to call her. Give her a bit of a break from you, and enough time to start to miss you. Maybe she'll start to wonder what you are doing.
I'm concerned about the comments about her crying. She's also letting you know that she is stressed with school and study.
Luter, your girlfriend has been away and has had experiences that you have not been part of--she will have changed a bit. You must do your best not to be resentful of this change in her or to try to cling too tightly if you can manage.
This is part of both your personal growth. You both are learning what it is like to be apart and independent of each other. I don't think this is a bad thing; it could be a very good thing.
What I'm encouraging you to do is to bide your time and wait as best you can until she is home. Give her a chance to miss you. I want you to be bright and happy when you do talk to her after not speaking to her for a couple of days. "Yes, I missed you but I have a busy life with lots of friends and things to do" is the message I want you to convey to her. I want her to miss you to the extent that she starts reaching back in the same way you are reaching for her.
You only have one month until she is home. Ask yourself, why are you panicking now?
I'll wait for your answer. Nice to hear from you, by the way.
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A
male
reader, luter1 +, writes (20 April 2010):
luter1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontisha-1: Sorry for writting so late,didn’t have internet and time.Well i worked a lot with my self this weeks.And it really worked i’m more pozitive and our distance relationship is better.I read a lot,and had the experience that distance relationship crashes inside the relationship.People imagine things and that’s why arguing happens.Well,to tell you the trueth, it didn’t change,our relationship is still cold,just i’m trying not to beging the arguing and to make her happy.but everytime i try or talk to her, i feel a different person.I tried telling her to talk with me, she told me : exams,study,and after all that she is very tired + her parents aren’t very pleasent once(her mother is a real devil ?)
Even yesterday everything went well,we talked we laughed and she had a call from her mother began crying and told me she is too nervous to talk to me.(that didn’t happen in years) I called her back and told her, let me talk to her and calm her down,she ignored my call,and in the end she accepted it.I know it will seem weerd,and my message isn’t clear,or it’s clear but the motives to worry are small,but I can’t sleep already 4-5 days, I think constantly about it….weird questions are in my mind such as:maybe she has another, or she likes another guy …she is a very naïve person,And she tells me she likes me but we talk barely 20-30 min per day maximum.And every time it’s the same thing stress,study.She even come home 2-3 hours later then previeuw
Well finnaly I want to write her a message or tell her something really radical such as: if you have a problem tell me, if not I think we should just have a little break for 1-2 days without talking…maybe then well understand how it feels without each other.I know we are tired,but understand me I can’t handle “the boat “by my own, I’m trying, but I also need her help.(don’t worry I told her that)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2010):
Okay, Luter, the picture is clearer for me now. I think you do not have to worry very much. A little is okay, too much is unnecessary and will damage your relationship with her. She sounds to me as though she is telling the truth. She didn't have to tell you about him or what he said.
If she is an attractive girl, which I am sure she is, as you love her so much, other men will find her attractive. Some will make inappropriate advances and some will develop feelings for her. This is for the most part something she cannot control. It's very irritating as a woman to be blamed for someone else's behavior. I had a boyfriend who would get angry with ME if his friend paid me a compliment. I had no control over HIS friend and here I was, being blamed for being told I was pretty. He was convinced I was somehow asking for the compliment, and I could not get him to understand that I was not. I was being friendly and nice to HIS friend that HE wanted to spend time with. I guess I should have been rude and then I would have been labeled as a ... well, never mind.
So you have to consider that she has told you about this conversation, one she didn't have to tell you at all. I think she sounds like an honest person and that she does truly care about you. So I think you can trust her.
Now you're going to need to learn to relax and not demand too much reassurance from her. Reassuring someone can be exhausting and eventually it becomes a turn-off. If you feel you are not trusted and not heard, you can become angry and unhappy.
I know what I am talking about here because I need a lot of reassurance. I ask all the time if I look good, or if I am attractive or if I am funny or smart or whatever it is I'm feeling insecure about. It's not an attractive trait. A little insecurity, just enough to keep you humble, is fine. Too much creates a neediness that's impossible to handle.
So I want you to think about how much reassurance you need and how much is reasonable to expect from her. I have a husband with a great sense of humor, so he can let me know when I've become irritating without making me feel bad. You might ask her to let you know when you overstep the neediness line, when you are asking too much or acting too worried about her.
This is going to take some self-control on your part, practice and patience. You will not be good at this instantly, you will need to remind yourself of all the good things instead of focusing on the negative and expecting the worst. Expect the best instead. Yes, you may be disappointed from time to time, but you'll be so much more fun to be with.
So I would make him into a joke with her. "Is Romeo taking you away from today?" "Should I be worried today, or should I save that for another day?" If you make him a little figure of fun, you take away some of his mystery for her and she gets used to you being comfortable talking about him.
But the key is not to do this too much or too long. Just a tiny bit once in a while. And tell her you love her, but try not to cling or demand that she tell you she loves you all the time. That becomes boring, right?
Watch your thoughts. If you are becoming overly concerned or upset, or obsessed with him, make sure you are looking at this realistically and without fear. Try to replace the negative thinking with positive thinking. Try to believe her. If I am wrong about her, I am sorry, but I don't think I am. I don't think she would have told you so much about him if she was hiding her feelings for him. Believe her when she tells you she loves you. Relax. Eventually, you will believe her and this irrational fear will subside, if you work on it.
You sound like a very caring boyfriend and I'm sure she knows she is lucky to have you. Not many guys would have the guts to write into an agony aunt column asking for help. I think that shows a lot of caring and a lot of bravery. So continue to care for her and work on the bravery bit, work on the trust. You'll be fine, I think.
P.S. I expect an invitation to the wedding. (Just kidding!)
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, luter1 +, writes (3 April 2010):
luter1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear tisha-1, i read very carefully your message,and thank you once again.All the questions about me, I’ll try and resolve them, but it’s first time that I’m so concerned about a girl.My relationship befor, let’s say I didn’t care much how many friends did my Ex had..
Maybe this is the girl, and that’s why I’m so afraid a bit. About “the past” in fact I don’t bring it, I just can’t forget it, and in a little fight or if somebody hurts I can retell all the bed that had been forgiven(I know I should work on it, very important.)
My GF wanted to tell me a very important thing and put an end to all confusions this is the words she told me (I’m translating: “ I talked with the guy and told him that we should be only friends and that’s it!! I know you have feelings for me,and I know that you have a GF and I have a BF,and I don’t want them to get hurt.If you want we can stay friends and just have nice conversation.”
Then she told me his response that a bit shocked,and made me confused and I began asking myself questions: his words(as my GF sad)“ok,lets be friends, but you should know that I like you a lot, and I even ador you…., I like you,but I don’t want to loose you as a friend I’ll stop and lets be friends.” You can’t imagine, maybe I should be happy but I’m really confused. Then my GF added, that she told him if he will give signs, or talk dirty, or just approach her “more then friends” she will never speak to him again.
So my question is , is he a threat for me? And should I ask my Gf never to talk or be near that guy (I know it’s impossible as you sad, I can only trust her,because I’m far away) And all her free time she talks with me.
Now dear Tisha-1 you understand why every time I talk to her, I want to tell her, about my feelings and to tell her & remind her about the incident.For me she didn’t do bad things in past, she just had bad BF, I know them a little bit, that why I can tell.And once again she told me I’m the only one, and I’m her true love…once again.
And she tells me again and again, that she just simpataise him as a school mate, and that’s all.And all her feeling are only for me.(and then she sad, that she wants a family with me etc….) and she was really serios when she told me everything.(that’s a naiv phrase I sad :p)
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A
male
reader, luter1 +, writes (2 April 2010):
luter1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear tisha-1, i read very carefully your message,and thank you once again.All the questions about me, I’ll try and resolve them, but it’s first time that I’m so concerned about a girl.My relationship befor, let’s say I didn’t care much how many friends did my Ex had..
Maybe this is the girl, and that’s why I’m so afraid a bit. About “the past” in fact I don’t bring it, I just can’t forget it, and in a little fight or if somebody hurts I can retell all the bed that had been forgiven(I know I should work on it, very important.)
My GF wanted to tell me a very important thing and put an end to all confusions this is the words she told me (I’m translating: “ I talked with the guy and told him that we should be only friends and that’s it!! I know you have feelings for me,and I know that you have a GF and I have a BF,and I don’t want them to get hurt.If you want we can stay friends and just have nice conversation.”
Then she told me his response that a bit shocked,and made me confused and I began asking myself questions: his words(as my GF sad)“ok,lets be friends, but you should know that I like you a lot, and I even ador you…., I like you,but I don’t want to loose you as a friend I’ll stop and lets be friends.” You can’t imagine, maybe I should be happy but I’m really confused. Then my GF added, that she told him if he will give signs, or talk dirty, or just approach her “more then friends” she will never speak to him again.
So my question is , is he a threat for me? And should I ask my Gf never to talk or be near that guy (I know it’s impossible as you sad, I can only trust her,because I’m far away) And all her free time she talks with me.
Now dear Tisha-1 you understand why every time I talk to her, I want to tell her, about my feelings and to tell her & remind her about the incident.For me she didn’t do bad things in past, she just had bad BF, I know them a little bit, that why I can tell.And once again she told me I’m the only one, and I’m her true love…once again.
And she tells me again and again, that she just simpataise him as a school mate, and that’s all.And all her feeling are only for me.(and then she sad, that she wants a family with me etc….) and she was really serios when she told me everything.(that’s a naiv phrase I sad :p)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2010):
Hi Luter, thank you for your follow up answer; it was not too long at all, in fact having more detail is helpful. I am so happy to hear that you two have had a good discussion about this and I think I understand a little bit more.
The fear lies within you, it is a problem inside your head. She loves you and wants you and has assured you that this fellow is only an acquaintance and not a potential boyfriend for her.
I think you have no choice but to trust her for now. I also think that you have to work on this fear you have because this is something that can cause problems for you in the future. If she is a trustworthy and truthful girl, then doubting her motives and behavior over and over again will cause a problem for her. She will grow tired of being doubted and you will become a burden, because you will constantly need reassurance. Every new man she meets in life, at work, at school, through friends, will become a threat to you if you are insecure and lack trust. This becomes very wearing on a woman and eventually leads to her being resentful and angry with you. Irrational jealous and mistrust are relationship-killers.
If she has instances that are legitimate reasons for mistrusting her in the past, your fear is understandable. But in that case, I would question how and why you would stay with her. Once mistrust and doubt have crept in, the relationship is likely doomed.
If you are the type to live in the past, like to bring up past transgressions with new fights, you are going to have very rocky and unhappy relationships. You must learn to talk things through without bringing in things that are long over and done with, where forgiveness has been asked and given.
You have some questions to ask yourself, and work to do on your own self. Why are you so insecure? Why do you lack trust in her? Why do you bring up the past? What is it in you that is missing or damaged that makes you irrational and look for things that are not there? Do you need to build up your own confidence and self-esteem? Have you been badly hurt in the past? Does your family history have bad examples of how people can be hurt?
A woman wants to be with a man who loves her, but also one who trusts her judgement, who sees that she is a separate person in her own right, not just an appendage or trophy for the man, one that supports her personal growth and future dreams and plans. We don't want a man who smothers us, who tries to keep us isolated from other people, who is too demanding of time and endlessly asks for reassurance.
Perhaps this is a first step for you in your own personal growth; you are now aware of the difference in perception between you and her. So what have you learned? How will you approach something like this next time you feel these stabs of fear and jealousy? How do you figure out if there is a real problem with her without creating a new one? (That last one is tricky.)
I have to say that what I read sounds very promising and I like your point to her and her reply to you. I think that is a good start. You have recognized that some insecurity is normal. It is what you do about that insecurity that will determine the success of your relationship, right?
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, luter1 +, writes (2 April 2010):
luter1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1 : thank you a lot for your post, it's been very clear and very wise sad (wrote). In fact she is 21.And yesterday i had a lot of missed calls from her, she even called me at home e-mailed me begging me to answer, so i did and we clarified that for her that boy was just a friend that she simpatise when she is at university.they never meet or talk outside.She told me lot of nice things,and excused for hurting me and told me that she really wants to build a life together. Well in fact we had plans to marry but we decided to finish our graduation and then think about it.
I talked to her today and told her the words you wrote me about "reminding her who i really am for her" i did it without stress and she answered me that :"even if the guy from university likes me i'll let him know clearly who he is for me, and that i'm not interessted".
Ok i liked a lot this conversation, but fear still exists in me,and doubt....i think this is normal,And i'm such a person who has a minus- to bring up the past.and i know it's bad.
P.S-sorry for the long answer from me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2010):
Hi Luter, sorry your question seems to have been overlooked. Sometimes many questions come in all at once and people don't see them. I will try to do my best to answer your questio.
It's possible she has developed a crush on this boy, and has some feelings stronger than friendship. How old is she?
The bad news is that there isn't much you can do about this. You've talked with her, you've expressed your feelings, you've gone on a little break.
She's challenged you by suggesting that you like other girls, probably as a defensive tactic.
It's hard to tell you what you can do about this. She's coming home in less than 2 months. I guess you could demand that she not see this person at all but this might backfire on you and she will end up resenting your demand.
I think all you can do is continue to talk to her about this; try not to get too angry or upset. Remind her of how good you two are together and what you mean to each other. If you stay calm and loving, she may realize that the other boy is only a crush and would never be able to take your place because you are such a great guy.
Hang in there, stay calm, stay loving and keep the communication going, don't shut her out because you are hurt. That will only make you look childish and petulant, and those are not attractive traits in a boyfriend.
You should take it as a compliment that another boy finds her attractive, it shows she is a good catch and a warm person. Above all, what you don't want is for her to start lying to you or not telling you anything at all.
Good luck; all will be resolved inside 2 months.
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A
male
reader, luter1 +, writes (1 April 2010):
luter1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno answers?:(
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