A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I think my girlfriend has an eating disorder, but she won't talk about it. We are currently living separately, although we lived together for three years while in college. For the past year, she's been with her family while I am studying for a master's degree.Since last summer, she's been obsessed with her step counter. If she didn't reach her goal during the day, she would walk round and round her house up until midnight to try to get to it. If it was raining heavily and she couldn't take a walk, she'd go into a panic.She got into working out at Christmas, and she's lost weight and started to get abs. She looks fantastic, but I think it's time to stop losing weight now. She wasn't even overweight to begin with. A few months ago she was at one point in the underweight BMI category and she seemed proud. She said her 15-year-old self would be proud of her because that's "all she ever wanted". She's gained a couple of kilos since then, so I believe she's back in the normal range, but only just. And she wants to lose more.When she visits me for weekends, she eats everything I do. But then towards the end of the visit she gets worried and says she's looking forward to getting back to her normal routine, that being eating within an 8-hour window, working out every evening, doing 10,000 steps every day even though she has a 9-5 desk job, everything low fat and restricting her favourite foods. Those are just the rules she's told me about.I'm really worried that she's getting obsessive. I don't want her to get ill. If I try to bring it up she'll say stuff like "Don't you like how I look? This doesn't happen by accident". I get her point, but the rules seem like too much to me. She called me crying today because it was taking her longer than expected to cook dinner and she was so hungry it was making her cry, and the time spent cooking was taking up the last of the daylight time so she couldn't go walking either, which made her panic. That's not normal, surely.When I talk about us living together again soon, she seems hesitant. I don't think she wants to give up her strict routine. I don't know how to talk to her about this. She won't even consider that this isn't healthy behaviour. I showed her a video where a personal trainer says she never weighs her clients because it makes them feel shitty and that's counterproductive, but she responded with something like "feeling shitty when you gain weight is worth it for how you feel when you lose weight". How do I even respond to that? How can I talk to her about this? It feels like I'm losing her to this new "lifestyle". As long as she's losing weight and hitting all the goals she's set for herself, she just doesn't care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): Please remember that you are talking about what seems to be a health matter but some of the people who respond are not qualified therapists and have never successfully helped or understood such a situation before.Nowadays there is the 5 -2 diet and the 8 hour window diet. It could be far worse. Some only eat every day day too.The idea of contacting and involving mother is ridiculous. It is insulting your girlfriend's lifestyle and reporting her to mummy as if she is a child. I presume your woman is a 26 year old adult who pays her bills and takes care of herself, for all you know her mother is the strange, immature, stupid one. Why does it follow that a mother knows better? Or that she has any rights over this. The more you involve others the worse it gets, she will feel bullied and want to turn away.She might then get very anxious and depressed and control her eating etc even more to compensate. What a great result that would be. You need to think of how you would behave if treated like that, and what the ultimate outcome can be, not just get a quick fix by making a phone call or opening your mouth today.One of my friends is very much into fitness and health, some have said she goes over board. Guess what. One who said that has now been diagnosed with a gallbladder problem, a problem he got because he ate too much and ate all of the wrong things. He is now waiting for an operation and it seems it will still not be right. He has already done the harm, it is too late now. One of the others who finds fault is a heavy drinker and has made no efforts to sort it out. That must make him an expert on health and lifestyle. Another recently got diabetes 2. Overweight and easting all the wrong things. Think of all the problems that person will have as life goes on, due to their bad eating habits. Who is to say who is wrong and who is right?If someone works very hard and saves hard is that wrong because another person sits around doing nothing and gets into debt? Who is the second to find fault with the first? At least the first one has a better life. It is very judgmental and controlling to say your girlfriend should not do this and should do that and I wonder how much of it is because you are jealous that it absorbs her and interests her, taking up her time? Perhaps you think if she did not focus on that she would have more time for you and be quicker to move in.As for OCD. OCD takes over your life with pointless rituals. Things like continually washing your hands until they are red raw. Turning lights off and on for thirty minutes. Things which just waste your time. There is no comparison. Your girlfriend is doing this for a good reason and she has other things in her life too, that is not OCD.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 October 2020):
 Definitely sounds like OCD.
(not that we can diagnose her)
Best advice I can give her is to TALK to a therapist who specialize in OCD and Cognitive behavioral therapy - she might not want to and that is HER choice, but if she wants to work on it, that has worked for many getting the rituals under control. It's something I would suggest to her ONLY if she asks or if something seems very off.
It kind of make sense that she is focused on her weight, it's ONE thing she CAN control. Not absolutely, but close.
For now you can't FIX this, so all you can do is listen and if she asks for advice be honest. And it's NOT your job to try and change or fix her.
Another thing that might have brought this to the forefront is the lock down. People keep talking about how FAT they have gotten and how much they want to lose weight and how hard it is... so She might have felt that she COULD get fat and thus went into micromanaging her life and body. People react to scary things in many ways. Some internalize it, others hurt other people, and some find other ways.
If she HAS OCD, this is something that is for life. It can be managed but it's always there. So that is something YOU need to be aware of. If you continue to date her. It's part of who she is, but it doesn't DEFINE her. Or rather it shouldn't.
As for wanting to be fit before having a baby, I think that is kind of normal. I did that myself. And I was back in my old clothes in 8 week after giving birth to a 9lbs4oz kiddo. With the first one. Was much harder with #2 and #3. Probably because I didn't focus on being fit as I had a little one to take care off, and a house and no support net near me. Wanting to be fit is not a bad thing. UNLESS it totally takes over your life.
And as I put in my post, there is SOMETHING else going on that she is stressing over that happened around Christmas. That is my guess. Think of dominos you just have to push that first one for the rest to react. So her first domino was probably around or before Christmas.
People with OCD can be VERY logical and rational people. It's not mutually exclusive. We just have rituals to maintain order in a chaotic mind. Most people with it aren't fully aware. It's just things they have felt WORKED. Illogical or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): Thanks for your responses.I don't think talking about cosmetic surgery is relevant, she's scared of hospitals and would never have elective surgery of any kind, I know that for sure.I do sometimes worry about if we have a child. She has mentioned that she wants to be thin and lean before getting pregnant so that her body won't be ruined and will be more likely to bounce back. We aren't planning on kids for another few years though, so I'm more worried about the present.OCD is a likely possibility. She has other rituals not related to food. For example, when I collect her to go to my place, we drive under a bridge and through a tunnel. She has to duck going under the bridge, then hold her breath in the tunnel because "something bad will happen" if she doesn't. There was one occasion I asked her not to, and so she didn't, but she wasn't comfortable about it. And by pure coincidence I had an accident at home that evening and ended up in hospital. She was upset that she might have been the cause, and said even though she can't prove that, I can't disprove it either. It's weird because she's very smart and actually logical in other ways, but I think she does believe these things.I can't really talk to her family, her mother isn't in touch with them, she lives with her dad and brother and I'm not close enough to them to discuss this. I doubt they have noticed anything, she cooks all her own food because she's vegetarian and they're not. I might try contacting one of her friends. With the pandemic, though, she hasn't seen anyone but me in a long time. Ireland just went up a level of lockdown too, so it's unlikely she'll be able to even visit me for a while. This situation has created an environment where she can basically control her life exactly how she wants within her home and I don't know how she's going to handle rejoining real life. In a way, it's good to hear from you that this is actually a problem. She does not see it as such.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 October 2020):
It's definitely an eating disorder, the OCD is just the way she controls it. Been there done that, myself.
There is something else going on in her life that she CAN NOT control. Which is why someone who was slender/skinny to begin with goes overboard with what they eat and how much they exercise. Add to that the "high" and well feeling she is getting from the exercise, it can be absolutely habit forming (which isn't necessarily a bad thing but most people aren't aware of it, when THEY do it. After all exercise is healthy, right?)
WHAT is her biggest stressor? Work? Finances? Family?
People with even minor OCD find the rituals (at first) VERY helpful, because its basically misdirection. You get so focused on washing hands X amount of times, taking the 10K steps a day, locking, unlocking, locking etc. Doing things by numbers and in a certain order. It HELPS a chaotic brain find a path. When you can't DO "whatever" rituals that is when anxiety and stress takes over. Add to that someone who IS probably not well versed in nutrition but who might look at calorie only or fasting/eating certain hours, she might not actually EAT enough. Or she might have problems with the "rigidity of whatever "rituals" she follow.
So I'd try and figure out what set this off. What happened around Christmas that made her go into this "rabbit hole of rituals"?
You ask... What can I do. Well, you have pointed it out to her that it makes you worry. That it seems a bit extreme. You even put it really well, yourself. " It feels like I'm losing her to this new "lifestyle". As long as she's losing weight and hitting all the goals she's set for herself, she just doesn't care.
Maybe you need to tell her that. See how THAT makes her feel.
You can't TELL her that she needs to slow down, that it LOOKS like she is creating a bunch of unhealthy habits. Because she won't listen. SHE is FEELING good because SHE is reaching HER goals.
When you DO spend time together why no do some physical activities?
Also you CAN ask her question as to these new rules. Where they cone from. Because it can be from a coworker or some dumb article from some moronic "women's magazine".
If she isn't going WAY under a healthy weight, I don't really think there much you CAN do. Maybe talk to her mom? (if you can) See if she is seeing the same.
Sometimes people who "finds" fitness and working out they treat it almost as a religion. Rigid, almost as self-punishment to archive some or other goal. Not because they actually enjoy it.
Maybe just talk, and LISTEN to her without telling her she is doing "life" wrong.
This can go really down a deep hole. Which is why I think 1. talking to her mom is a good idea, if possible 2. finding out what started it 3. where she gets her advice from. That is where I would start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2020): I agree with previous posters who talked about obsessive compulsive behaviors. Eating disorder is a compulsive obsessive food/distorted body image/over-exercising related disorder.It's very close to anorexia what you are describing and it WON'T go away on its own. She needs help.I know what I'm talking about. From 25 to 40 I suffered from an eating disorder that did not manifest itself as bulimia or anorexia alone. I was obsessed with weight and "eating right" and I could never keep for long my ideal weight, so I needed to be vigilant. What others would consider normal, like when your gf stays at your place, for me it would be overeating.No one, not a single person in my entourage, ever suspected that I had a problem. My husband was happy when I looked skinny. His behavior, although he didn't do it on purpose, immensely contributed to my disorder. Because he was never worried when I didn't eat (of course I never called it like that, those were "fasts" detox routines...). He would worry when I would eat pasta, crisps... anything that makes one fat. Of course he never said fat, he talked about my "health", because I talked about my "health".You don't owe your gf anything. You cannot help her. She will fight you on this like hell. And she's going through hell even though she would not admit it. It's an addiction. And no junkie will let go of it. She needs professional help. If you do not enable her habit, she'll ditch you. If you become "boring" in your efforts to help her, she'll ditch you. She has an image in her mind. Until she breaks that image, nothing will matter.The panic you describe are anxiety attacks. As I said, she needs a shrink.What you need to understand is that eating disorders ARE NOT about food. It's about control, because you feel so out of control all the f*** time. Who knows what has happened to her. It doesn't have to be anything dramatically traumatic. I started rather late, at 25, but for me that was the point of "waking up" to the ugly realities of the world. Skinny people fare better. They get more positive attention and encouragement. They are considered fit, healthy, disciplined, in control.... My god. When I think about myself then, I wish I could give myself a hug and say that it's all smokes and mirrors. By 21 I already lost my parents and had no family. I guess that the tress had to manifest itself somehow.I'd be honest with her, but before that you need to be prepared that she may not want your help, she may not be able to recognize the problem...That's tragic. When we need the help most, we are not able to accept it.As I said nobody knew about my problem, for everyone around me I'm a rock, dependable, problem-solver, strong, loving, caring... they all turn to me when they need support. And I was (am) all that for them, but I'm NOTHING for myself. Nobody could help me with that, I needed to want to get better first.I realized that I cannot help the people I love unless they want the help first. I was so often a part of the circle where I would listen to my friends or partners and hope Ill be able to help them get better... I was only turning in circles, playing a "savior". If you cast yourself in that role, just know that it is futile.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (9 October 2020):
 This sounds more like OCD than an eating disorder as such (given the counting steps, eating windows, etc), although the two conditions are not mutually exclusive and, indeed, are often closely linked in sufferers.
One of the triggers for OCD is a fear that suffers' lives are "out of control". Rigid behaviour patterns are seen as a way of reclaiming control of their lives. While they achieve all their "goals", they feel like they are in complete control. If they fail in any of them, no matter how insignificant to others around them, they see this as a loss of control of their lives in general. There is no inbetween. Sufferers fear a loss of control, which means any failure at all is seen as a big deal (as you have discovered when your girlfriend has a meltdown because she cannot achieve her 10K step goal every day).
Can you talk to your girlfriend's family about this in confidence in case they have not realized what is going on? Does she have close friends who could get through to her? Your girlfriend probably needs professional help to understand why she is behaving as she is and how to start to overcome it.
I think you are right to worry. From merely reading your post, I am worried for her. I would search out OCD groups on the internet and ask for help in understanding/helping your girlfriend before this behaviour gets any worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2020): If you stop bringing up the subject of her looks, her eating habits and attitude about exercise and all the rest she will become more relaxed about it. You are sort of creating it if she is talking to you and you bring it up or feed it when she does or says something. The more relaxed she is the happier she is and the less likely she will be to want to do more of this.Yes she has got a problem, but being all serious about it and bringing it up feeds it and makes it even worse.No doubt some naive person will tell you to take her to a therapist or counsellor - I am a therapist - if you force her to see someone and she does not want to she will lie to them or clam up and refuse to speak, you will be wasting your time and money and alienating her.Making things even worse.She needs to feel that she can turn to you if she wants to - not that it has to be all on your terms and doing as she is told. Even though your way is the right way rushing it and forcing it goes the other way.If she wants to lose more weight now, or exercise more just act as if you do not notice it, do not mention it, laugh it off, the less you make of it the smaller it is.That way it has a chance of just disappearing of it's own accord.Do not take this wrong but when people get obsessed with exercise and eating it is often to compensation for other relationships and things in their life which they cannot control, she wants to be in control of something and she chose this. It could have been far worse, she could have gone on drugs, started to drink, steal and all sorts.
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