A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I think my friend is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. She was sexual abused as a little girl by both her brother and her uncle on separate occasions. Over the course of our relationship I kind of fell in love with her, much to her chagrin. Says she loves me, but isn't in love with me and doesn't want me to be in love with her. I'm fine with that, but lately I've been paying more attention to her odd behavior and questioning it more than I have in the past. She's told me so much stuff, but I just never really put any of it together. I'm just her friend not a doctor. I've been reading up on post traumatic stress disorder and I think my friend definitely has this stemming from her sexual abuse as a child. She exhibits many of the symptoms such as Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things), Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma, Loss of interest in activities and life in general, Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb, Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career),Irritability or outbursts of anger. I know she's not okay. Sometimes when she lets her guard down she tell me real things like "I think what happened to me screwed me up. I like sex too much. If I meet a guy who makes me feel good I'm like let's do it and I don't think that's right. And sometimes I have dreams so disturbing that I don't even want to tell you about them" or how she feels like she's going to die young and that she's tired of living this life. And I know for a fact that she doesn't remember the particulars of when her brother molested her because she told me once that she recalls everything up to the moment and her crying afterwards in a bathroom, but not act itself...and a lot of times she'll get really irritable and upset with me over very small things when I'm being super nice to her. She also routinely proclaims that she just "Doesn't care" about peoples feelings or anything at all really. I don't think its normal to not care about anything. We've had some rough times recently, with her saying that my love for her is obsessive. When it's really just normal love. I've only been treating her as anyone would treat someone they care about. IE trying to spend time with her, always being there for her and helping her any way that I can. Most people like that. Sometimes when she's really mean to me and treats me badly I want to walk away from her and I think whatever issues she's dealing with are not my problem. Then I remember how much I really love her, even if she doesn't love me back and the idea of just walking away from her when i know everything I do about her breaks my heart. Sometimes I feel like she's being mean to me just to see how much I can take before I actually leave and give up on being her friend. I don't know. I'm out of my depth. What's the protocol for something like this?
View related questions:
fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Oh! On a more trivial note, I've been reading up on memory repression, and the newest research is saying that, contrary to what Freud said, it's not always something that needs to be dredged up.
i.e. If there was a rape, you don't have to focus on remembering every second of the experience, or else there'll be something "buried" and your recovery will be incomplete. That's just not true. A trauma affects every area of your life in all its intensity and color, so the "memory" is there, in your life, in your personality, in your relationships, just waiting to be neutralized.
Perhaps she'll find that fact comforting, as well.
Fishdish also got it right in that psychiatric trauma is not a job for even a boyfriend. It's not fair to that significant other. A relationship should be two people giving to each other, sharing their lives with each other, and until that reality can be played out, it's unlikely to be successful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2013): Yes. Counseling. I would even go so far as to, in a conversation where you tell her that you love her and want to see her thriving, give her the business cards of a couple counselors that specialize in trauma.
Unfortunately she can't love you even as a friend, now. I've been there, been molested by a close family member, had PTSD, etc. and I will tell you that it is ALL about her own well of pain and how hopeless everything is...
...until it's not. She has to climb out of the dark, deep hole, and she has to decide that she wants to start trying. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP THIS PROCESS ALONG. NOTHING.
I would be there, at a distance...do your best to see her clearly and love her through it, but expect nothing in return. Hold no hope. Be okay with the fact that she may wallow in her pain, in one form or another, for decades before she starts to deal with it. If you try to obsess over an outcome that you can't control, you'll be the crazy one.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 June 2013):
 Solidus,
You can't make her get help. She can't be your project, or someone that needs your saving. The only thing you can do is advise or express your concern. Problem is, if you want to be brave enough to give her the advice that she seems to have symptoms for PTSD, prepare for her backlash, her disregard, or fatalistic/defeatist response. This, coupled with her not respecting you (or probably anyone that expresses feeling), will make your outreach a challenge. The compassion you show her is too much because she does not want to feel because feeling hurts too much and it has left her in the past too vulnerable to abuse. I think that many people in this position would rather escape than confront the past, but it does so much damage....like wanting to escape her entire life. I think it feels like a path of least resistance, but it actually just buries and worsens the problem.
You know when women are pregnant and some men apparently feel sympathy pains? These pains will be chronic for you because you see her struggle as well as her resistance to hoping or wanting something better for herself. It sounds cruel, but you will be dragged down. It's not a labor of love, it's a thankless task. These psychiatric issues are more than a friend, and even boyfriend, should take on. I would consider giving my advice and then taking an extended break from her for your own mental wellbeing.
...............................
|
