A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This isn't really a question asking for advice, more like asking for support so I'm brave enough to make the decision that I have to make. Please tell me that I'm doing the right thing for me?_________________I started dating this guy a few months ago and i was so happy with him. I was falling for him, I missed him when he wasn't around, I wanted to spend all my time with him. I thought the feelings were mutual. Everything he did and said made me think so. He said all the right things that so that I stuck around even though he wouldn't commit to me.I stuck around based on the hope that something could happen between us long term. But that "hope" is fake and nonexistent. It's making me miserable. He tells me flat out that he can't see himself with me long term, but then also tells me that he wants to try. What bullshit. But stupid that I am, I fall for the wanting to try part instead of seeing what's right in front of my face. He told me he doesn't see a future for us, but I don't want to accept that when it is what it is. i can't change that and i don't want to. If i was honest with myself, I would admit that the way he treats me is awful. he doesn't respect me, belittles me, and puts me down. I'm an intelligent, independent woman and around him, I feel stupid after hearing the little things he says to me. i deserve better then that. Everything I do is wrong according to him and it's to the point where i'm afraid to say anything in case he says something. it's making me miserable. But I've been in one failed relationship after the other and i'm just so so so tired of it all. i just want to find someone that i love and who loves me in return and i'm so scared that i'm never going to find the right guy. What is keeping me around and putting up with him is that i don't want to be alone anymore. I just don't...
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 You are needy, and you're using relationships to fill a void.
You need to be happy being a single person, confident in who you are and what's important to you.
Once you have this foundation, you will be in a position to consider a relationship but selective enough to only get together with someone who is truly good enough for you. Otherwise you will keep dating losers.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2013):
 I think you have been in one failed relationship after the other, because, to judge from this post, you probably have let them drag on and BECOME relationships when you should not have. Apparently, the fear of being " alone ",i.e. manless, is enough to keep you ignoring red flags and acceptings crumbs rather than the real thing , rather than nipping in the bud right away situations where you do not get what you really want.
This keeps you partnered for a while, but partnered not happily and not worthily, and in the long run, this just reinforces more and more your sense of helplessness and of HAVING to make do, and take whatever, as long as they are so kind to stick around to kick your butt.
It does not make a lot of sense, you know ? Being alone may be a drag, sure, but some times is the lesser evil.
It's a bit as if you were in jail, on the verge of being liberated, and you'd whine " noooo, I don't want to go out, I have got so much company here, all these girls to talk with any time I want, if I go out I'll be alone ". Perhaps, but.... you'll be out of jail, a free citizen ! Isn't it better per se than the sense of community... of prison life ?
Other example : suppose you are stuck in a basement where to survive you have to feed on dead rats, spiders, and mouldy leftover crumbs. You can go out, but you don't want to, because where you are at least you get something to eat, what if you can't find ANY food when you are out ?
If you really can't find any food ... then you'll starve to death ,I suppose. But at least you'll have lived with the dignity and decency of a normal human being, rather than settling for such an inhumane and indecorous diet.
You are not bound to be alone, that's your fear and low self esteem talking. But suppose yu were. Why being alone- again , in the sense of partnerless,- should necessary be worse than not being alone and being stuck in a relationship where you are constantly neglected, humiliated, exploited ?
Your case is not so extreme, luckily, but we even get letters from women who say " he always beats the crap out of me, but I can't leave him otherwise I 'd be alone ".
And ?... Isn't it better being alone but able to stay out of the hospital and keep all your teeth on ? ....
Keep your emotional teeth on, :) don't get them knocked off by disrespectful partners. If you can do that for a few months, if you can live without necessarily a "love " crutch ", that will work wonders for your self esteem.
And then, you'll be a woman with something to offer , other than your needyness and fear of loneliness. Yeah, because, rightly you want to give love and get love back.
Only, probably now you are not offering love. You think you are, but you are offering fear , and need. That only attracts predators, not love.
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