A
female
age
41-50,
*otty B.
writes:Hello.I have been in a 5 year relationship with my fiance. We have a home and children together.I am concerned about his behaviour and am 90% sure he is cheating on me. Here are the reasons:1.He has a gym in his garage around the corner from our house which he uses 4 times a week with 2 work friends. 2 weeks ago he decided to start attending a proper gym, when asked why he said they weren't gaining enough muscle. Days past then I mentioned a couple of weeks earlier how he said his friend was gaining mass on his arms - in other words your excuse for starting a proper gym doesn't add up. He said it was him that wasn't gaining but his 2 friends were. So a few days later I mentioned how he told me he was dieting down... so why would he want to gain mass. Story changed again now he said he doesn't have the equipment in his own gym to do his legs properly!Obviously he is lying about all this for a reason... maybe he wants some time away from home life...maybe an alibi so he can see another woman?2. He is increasingly tired alot. After the gym he gets home at 7 pm -ish, has tea, makes his food for next day, an hour sort of spending time with me then it's off to bed. Now normally he waits up til I have locked doors turned off appliances, fed pets etc. This is usually 10/15 mins after he has gone to bed. Recently I have been going to bed and he's asleep - no time for sex ( which is the only time we can due to children and having no baby sitter). He makes excuses about his work load tiring him out but I really don't believe him.3. He NEVER EVER leaves his phone around. It is normal for him to carry his phone in his pocket all day, but when taking a shower he would sometimes leave his phone/keys etc in the bedroom. Now he even takes it into the shower with him, with a really bland excuse. 4. He talks to me, but the emotion or interest IN me seems to be lacking.5. He is overly happy to see his son for first hour back home and seems overly nice with one of our cats. It may sound stupid but it is out of character for him.6. His hours of work seem to randomly go up, he will be working this easter weekend but none of his colleagues are.I am in fear he's cheating, or trying/about to.Last year he really hurt me. He was acting strange around my birthday, and reduced me to tears on my birthday with his bickering. A week later he got up and said I'm going to my Mum's to lend some money off her. Odd, it was 10pm! 10 minutes later he came downstairs all lovely smelling and went. Seconds later I was upstairs convinced something was going on, I found what I was looking for - a spare phone hidden under his drawers - I read thru texts from some girl asking if she was his little secret...found he'd been sending naked pictures and sexual videos to her. I confronted him he said it was just a bit of fun and nothing was going on, and that he wasn't even attracted to her and he was just having his ego massaged. Who was this girl? She lived just 2 minutes away from my own house, pretty single mum - so I found it hard to believe he wasn't attracted to her.He promised to sever contacts and wouldn't do it again.A year on when I mentioned his past behaviour in a conversation, he denied doing anything wrong - like getting sexual/flirty with a woman round the corner was nothing! He said I didn't do anything, I never did anything so what's your problem.He sounds like a pig doesn't he? But I want things to work for us, the children, our home, pets, debts etc.I don't think I've ever been able to fully trust him since. But his renewed odd behaviour has got me thinking he's up to his old ways, maybe with her or maybe with someone new.How can I be sure? It's so difficult to get the evidence - I can't get anywhere near his mobile phone to check it, I can't follow him - I don't drive and have no-one to look after our children. He never leaves his car when he travels so I cant get near that, he withdraws money from bank and doesn't have a credit card and is not stupid enough to leave receipts around. We don't share the same friends but I am very sure his friends would lie for him anyway.How can I be sure I'm not just going mad?Please don't give me the cliche that I shouldn't be in the relationship if I dont trust him.I just want closure, to face him with evidence he can't deny and then make my future decisions from there.I thank anyone who can give me guidance/advice. x
View related questions:
debt, fiance, money, muscle, nude pictures, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): i think you have all the evidence you need. but how do you confront him?
do not let him emotionally abuse you. yes you have kids, you cannot drive but you do have power over your life. you need to start "bettering yourself" , so that you are not dependent on him so much. he is just using you, he has no respect for you.
if he is cheating, what are going to do? I am sorry you are facing this but you need to start making some plans.
A
female
reader, bellaaddison  +, writes (9 April 2009):
Dotty,
You are obviously very observant to your fiances behavior. This is for two reasons: he's given you reason to mistrust him in the past and your instincts tell you to pay close attention. Now, you need to pay close attention to your instincts. I cannot tell you with 100% certainty that your fiance is behaving in an inappropriate manner, but I can tell you that he probably is. A man changes when he has an emotional and/or physical connection with someone else. All of the things you have noticed are very common patterns when a man is cheating. You know your man better than anyone who responds to your question will. If you FEEL it in your gut, there's a reason for that. Don't ignore what your intuition is telling you. As a woman, we always want undeniable proof, something that MAKES US SURE...Why tho? Aren't you SURE that he is making you feel insecure? Aren't you SURE that you are mistrusting your fiance? Aren't you SURE that you know he has hurt you in the past? These are the things that you need confirmation of, not what he MAY be doing... He will probably continue to repeat this sort of behavior throughout the remainder of your relationship. He has gotten away with it once before. He knows you didn't leave then, and in his mind, you probably won't leave now. There is no incentive for him to mend his ways when he knows he can do what he wants and not have to pay for it in consequence. You're not even married yet. Why cheat?? Why not just tell your partner that you have an interest in someone else and need to see if the current relationship is the one you're intended to be in for life? There's simply no excuse for cheating when you're not even "tied down yet". Your man lacks courage. He is selfish. He knows what he has at home with you and yet, chooses to induldge in what the rest of the world has to offer as well. If a man is unfaithful prior to marriage, he will almost certainly be unfaithful after marriage. Dottie, you need to decide if this is the kind of marriage you want. Is this the future you want for yourself? Your children? Don't be so concerned with the fact that you don't have undisputable proof. You have what you need. You wouldn't have written this letter if you didn't already know the truth. It's up to you to face it. I know it will hurt to end your relationship, but take it from me, nothing could hurt as much as taking vows with someone who doesn't value you or the vows you've taken together. If he really loves you, leave him and let him prove it to you. Let him know NOW (before you get married) that cheating is something you will not tolerate. Let him see that you are strong enough to walk away from him if he chooses to continually seek outside of your relationship for what he should find within it... with you, and only you. If he can't, then you've lost nothing and spared yourself a marriage filled with little more than lies and deception.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): hmmm does sound a bit dodgey to be honest especially with the woman whose living a few minutes away.
when you said he was going to his mothers to borrow or lend some money at 10pm and was smelling nice did you perhaps ask him why he was going so late to borrow some money?
maybe ring his mum see if he actually went there?
the way has a bit of attitude towards you as well makes it suspicious perhaps hire a detective to follow him for you?
find out the real reason..... so you're not there wondering what if?
hope this helps
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Well..alot of those reasons ARE a little silly. Like the gym thing. A gym like Gold's Gym clearly has far better amenities than a garage gym. Plus it has classes and juice bars and just more. Being nice to a cat? or son? Why is this odd? I'm always nice to cats!
But then I kept reading... taking your phone into the shower is pretty damned suspicious.. And the sexual videos and pictures exchanged with a neighbour a year ago is all the proof you need. He's obviously hiding the phone from you because he doesn't want you to go through it again.. I.E. he has something to HIDE. I don't understand why you need further proof. You shouldn't have let him off the hook so easily a year ago.
"He sounds like a pig doesn't he? But I want things to work for us, the children, our home, pets, debts etc"
ahh.. I see. Well you have to decide whether you will stay or not for those reasons, because no further proof is even needed. I think you are cutting him a lot of slack because of that quote. But you already know the answer who cares if he denies it, unless you are trying to gather evidence for legal proceedings. I.E divorce. And, if it has gone that level, then just hire a private investigator. Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): hire someone to follow him and get the proof you need. The stress of worry is bad enough and yes he does sound like a pig! Why would you want him anyway if he can disrespect you so much and not care!
...............................
A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (9 April 2009):
 You say you don't have evidence and to me the evidence is glaring at you. You poor dear- what a gloomy shit-u-tion you are in. I'm convinced he's cheating. If he is, what are you planning to do re:"future descesions"?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Look,
You think hes cheating and he has been texting another woman. What evidence do you want to catch him at it?
Im not being cruel, I know whats its like to have your life ripped apart, but ask yourself,Do I deserve this or am I entitled to be loved and resepcted.
Hope you are honest with yourself and do what needs to be done,
Elpigaro
...............................
|
