A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and i havent been together now for 2 yrs, but still talk every now and then. Hes been with someone for 2 yrs also.(off more than on) We never really had closure to our relationship.One night he asked me back out, then told me he had to take another girl to her homecoming. I was so hurt, and said no. He cried, i cried, then he left very upset. From that night on he just wasnt the same guy i once knew! He was doing everything to try and hurt me for turning him down 2 yrs ago. He acted like he was going out with the girl he took to homecoming. He played that game for about a month.I never came crying, and crawling back to him (if thats what he wanted me to do) Then he chased a little 14 yr old(who had a bf at the time (he was 17 at the time)She was in the only class him and i had together.(I think he picked her so i would have to watch them play kissy face and flirt)They were hanging out alot, and i asked him if they had been intimate, and he always would say, "were just friends". I found out 2 mos. later that they had sex the 2nd night! I was mortified! He told me he did it out of hurt!Well, i survived, but these last 2 yrs have been hell. If he doesnt hear from me for like 3 mos. he will contact me out of the blue to see whats up. Well, recently he invited me to come down for the weekend and stay with him.(3 1/2 hrs away) I did! We had an awesome weekend.(we always have fun and we get along great together) He said it was the most fun he's had in a long time. I asked him why i was down there, and he said, "were just hanging out." He would mention that he has a gf, but he treated me like i was his gf that whole weekend. He always wanted me to be by him, and if one of his friends got too close he would tell them to leave his ex alone!He never seems to have anything good to say about "her". She must have called him 30 times, and constantly texted him that whole weekend. He only answered 2 of her calls. He says that she's such a b*tch, and how annoying she is when she calls him so much! Well, Sunday came and he didnt want me to leave. 3 days later i IMd him online and he said that he was talking to "her", and she told him 2 ppl came up to her at school and said that i spent the weekend with him, and that i was telling ppl that he still loves me.One guy knew where i was (but didnt know who i was with) because he kept calling me while i was down there. But i never said anything else! So my ex got mad at me, and i resented that, because for the past 2 yrs, hes been cheating on his gf. That was the last straw and i told him if he doesnt stop with all his accusations that i was gonna personally tell her everything thats been going on for the past 2 yrs. He told me not to, and that he needed to get off line.Well, i did go to her house and i told her EVERYTHING! Everything he ever did, and everything he ever said to me in those 2 yrs.! She was devasted, but said she had been seeing someone else here and there. She told me that he's an ass to her, blames her for everything, that they fight nonstop about nothing all the time, and their fights last 4 days straight. Everytime i tried telling her something that happened during those 2 yrs, she would say, "in your dreams". She told me she didnt want to believe me. She went down there 3 weeks before i did, and she said all they did was fight.Its like him and her never really do anything except the bedroom scene, where with me we can go out and have tons of fun!(he told his roomates that she wasnt feeling good, so they could go and have sex.) To me it seems thats all he wants from her. Shes very easily controlled, and doesnt have a backbone whatsoever. She has insecurity issues big time. He knows he cant control me, and i think thats why he stays with her.In person he's so easy to talk to, but online he's a jerk to me. He always says stuff like, "our favorite thing to do is cuddle, especially watching the notebook"(when that was our favorite thing, and favorite movie) I almost had an oops with my last bf, and he found out, then proceded to tell me that him and "her" almost had a baby, but she lost it at 2 mos. She told me that wasn't true, and that shes not that stupid!Why would he make that up if it never happened? It's like he's always trying to get back at me with something. He bought her a promise ring for christmas and showed me one like it at the mall. It had a pink stone just like he knew i always wanted. She told me he plays all these old songs from 2 yrs ago,(our songs) they even danced in his room to our song. (just like him and i used to do)He always wanted to know who i've all done stuff with, and why i never call him. I dont know if he wants me to just pour my feelings out, or if he just wants my company because hes not getting everything he needs out of his relationship with her, but if he doesnt want to be with me, why doesnt he just leave me be? Ppl say he has never had one bad thing to say about me, and that i was a good gf. Why does he diss this girl so much, and at the same time want to be with her? He never tells me how much he loves her, or anything positive about her. I know he still has feelings for me, i can feel it when were together, unless hes a darn good actor. Give it to me straight... Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): Are you saying all this started 2 years ago when he wanted you back in his life, but...he had to take another girl to homecoming? And you told him No, and he's hurt? What is wrong with this picture? Most woman would've did what you did and more. So why are you blaming yourself? Is this why are allowing this guy to consume your life, so much? Because this can't possibly be love. Dear, a beautiful Love with someone should never be hurtful..it is not a painful obsession. What you have is all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. We know it's not love on his part. He's a cad with low character traits and still after two l-o-n-g years, you still swoon over him, irregardless of all the crap, pain, hurt, devastation, he brings into your life and other people's lives. Most of us gals, would've kicked his ass to the curb after the first month! Why are you allowing this BS? Your whole posting smacks of a heaping helping of toxic co-dependency, on your part. You and this fellow have a dysfunctional relationship, a relationship that is not loving, not built on respect, honor or trust, mutual joy and commitment, bonding and meaningfulness. It is not a healthy relationship that meets your needs or his. People in co-Dependant relationships love melodrama! It's like a narcotic, they keep going back for more and more and more. This is you and you are addicted to him. You do know how unhealthy that is, don't you? You think he is the man to make you happy. How's he doing so far?
There is nothing here..this man does not care. You will never, ever achieve a state of ' happily-ever after' with him, and all those other 'fairytale' endings so many woman get caught up in. Basically, you are the kind of woman who feels so incomplete without this man and all his crap. You seem to feel you are both halves that cannot be whole without a relationship. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads a person to accept abuse, pain, hurt manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. So this is your problem. You have to change your view on love and find personal courage and a truck load of self-esteem in order to get away from this person. The only way. Drop this man out of your life for good. As long as you truly believe that he is the only one who has the power to make you happy then you are setting ourselves up to be not only a victim, but a volunteer' You know what you have to do. You have to get this man out of your life, once and for all. You need to go 'cold turkey' and realize that all he does to you is damage your spirit, your self-esteem, your value...he's taking all the beautiful things about you and making you feel utterly empty. Sheesh, be strong and let this all go, hun and get out and live a happy, positive life. Give yourself the gift of loving someone else without all this toxic, unhealthy BS! Take care and be courageous.
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