A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think my dad having an affair. I was doing my parents taxes and found a receipt of condoms, my parents don’t use them. I know it can be a lot things but I have had many suspicions! I’ve always been a straight forward person so I confronted him. He quickly denied it and explained that he loved my mom. I didn’t believe him, but I decided to drop it. Within 30min he called me and asked me not to say anything to my mom or my sisters about the receipt. My dad knows that I have never disobeyed him and that I wouldn’t say anything. My mom is sick; I don’t think she can handle such devastating news. They have been married for 35 years I don’t want to be the cause of a divorce. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): I used to think all men who cheated were scum.
Then I discovered that some women trick men into marrying them by pretending to be something they aren't. And often that has to do with sex.
The man feels used and abused. He's torn. He's a good man. A good caregiver, a good provider. But he's getting used and he deserves to be loved... but his wife refuses to be the one to love him.
This can be difficult or impossible for a child to recognize. They don't see their parents are humans - with needs and failings. But they are.
If you were totally unloved and someone offered love, it might be difficult to refuse. For men, sex = love. Sorry - I can't make it any less crass or simple than that.
So before you hit the roof and make demands - or even decide to call your dad on this, take a second and try to see things from his point of view. He's not trying to hurt anyone. If anything my comment to him would be - "hey dad - you're not too good at hiding your tracks. Do what you need to do but don't hurt mom or anyone else. Let's forget I ever saw this but don't let me find clues again. Capiche?"
And maybe offer a word or two to Mom to find out if she's taking care of Dad like she did when she was trying to convince him to marry her. If the answer is No then put at least part of the blame on her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): you need to do some straight talking to your dad. Now.
seems like yes he is having an affair but is he in love with this OW? is he planning on leaving your mum? will he end his affair?
you will not be the cause ofa possible divorce, he will.
i am worried that if he is cheating now and your mum cannot handle an affair, how will she handle a possible divorce.
you need answers and do not rest until you uncover everything. you need to also be there for your mum should this affair progree but at least you caught him out now. the question will be- will he end it and when?
whatever happens please be the emotional strenght your mum will need. she will not be able to face this tragedy alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): If your mom is sick, any infidelity on your dad's part may be due to her inability to perform sexually due to her illness. He is however still wrong to betray her trust in him. As for you, keep your implied word to your father, but ask your father to remain faithful to his wife in his heart as well as his body in an effort to keep her safe from any additional struggle. Speak to him in a manner that will make him comfortable confiding in you during what may be a difficult time in his life.SLC
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (28 April 2009):
 Sorry - I don't agree with the idea of telling your mum she neither needs nor wants to know, when she is sick. I don't know how sick she is, or what is wrong with her, but I think you need to think VERY seriously about interfering like this in your parents' lives.
Honestly, I think that (a) there may not be any secret, but (b), if there is, it is not your secret. It is your dad's business, I think. Is he a good husband? Does he love your mum? Does he look after her and make her feel loved? Is she happy in her relationship with him? Does he respect and care for her? Is he a good father to you guys?
If you answer yes to all the above, then I think anything in your father's private life is exactly that - his private life.
The kindest thing for your mother, if she is very sick, is to let her at least have one solid, happy area of her life in her relationship with your dad. The truth is NOT always the best thing for someone to know. It really really isn't.
Anyhow, at the moment it is a lot of speculation on your part, as well. I think you should leave well alone.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (28 April 2009):
 I agree with satin. Talk to your dad again about it. If he refuses to say anything, tell your mom about it. I'm not your mom, but I know that whether I was sick or not, I'd want to know if my husband was cheating on me.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (28 April 2009):
 Tell your Dad that you will not keep his secret for him, that you expect HIM to tell your Mom and give him a two week deadline.
No matter what, it is his problem to sort out and your Mom would be upset if she ever found out that you ALSO knew and were hiding this from her, but I DO think that this is his secret to divulge and not yours. She deserves to decide for herself what she wants to do, whether she is sick or not, and trust me, people are stronger than you think (My friend told his wife and grown children at Christmas, when he was dying, and she still stuck by him and took care of him). First and foremost, this IS and SHOULD BE your MOM'S choice, and she doesn't HAVE a choice if she doesn't know.
If he doesn't tell her after that, then I would tell your sisters and ask for there help in confronting your Dad together and get him to come clean. I think this is one secret that is coming out that you don't want to appear on the wrong side of it as well or have this secret come between you and your Mom and poison your relationship. How would YOU feel about someone that you love holding something like this from you and making NO attempt to tell you the truth when they knew it? It's may not be of your own doing, but you ARE involved now by having this knowledge and simply doing nothing would feel like a betrayal to her. Someone is bound to tell her, and at least you would be coming from love... How would she feel if someone else, like the other woman told her?
The other thing is that chances are, he won't give the affair up unless he is confronted. At least then, they have a chance to work things out and see a counselor, or get a separation. None of this is your fault. It's his and you aren't the cause. It isn't a loving or fair thing to ask you to hide something this devastating - you are his daughter, but most of all - she is your Mom and hasn't done anything wrong. Well, that's only my opinion. You are a good daughter and I think that this would be doing the right thing. Good Luck.
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