A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think my sister in law is trying to destroy my marriage because she is jealous of me and hates me because she wants her brother, my husband. She is constantly putting me down but playing it off as joke so if I say anything it will seem as if I'm overreacting. She says and does weird things that make me believe she is sexually attracted to him and wants him to herself. Such as calling him sexy, making comments about how she wishes he was the father of her children, talking to her children about him as if he was her father, constantly trying to sit on his lap or wedge herself between us to be close to him. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and when we were younger and he was still living at home I'd often find a lot of her hair on his pillow and I had left the house before him and got home before him. She also constantly takes his sweatshirts and tshirts and wears them. He doesn't notice any of this behavior as strange because apparently she's been doing this for a while and he thinks it's just how she acts. But she hates public displays of affection from her boyfriend, even hand holding, yet tries to sit on my husbands lap. She also tells his family lies about me to try to get the rest of his family to dislike me in hopes it will be enough to split us up. She has also sabotaged meals I've cooked at large family get togethers, stolen my clothes, publicly humiliated me, and basically has done everything she can to harass me. But she will act like a perfect angel if my husband is present and denies everything I tell him she does and tells him I am overreacting to her behavior because I want him to hate her and take him from the rest of his family. I need to know that I'm not the only person who thinks she's insane and wants my husband in an incestual kind of way.And I need some tips on how to deal with her. Because I don't know how much longer I can keep playing nice.
View related questions:
incest, jealous, living at home, sister in law Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): Wow it's so nice to know I'm not the only one that has had to deal with this. I'm sorry to tell you but it won't get any better. I was married to my ex deceased husband for 11yrs, him and his sister were VERY close because family issues they had been through since young children. Everything was fine until our daughter was conceived. Then it was a all out competition in his sisters eyes. She to became pregnant 6months later. My ex developed a severe drug problem and all the sudden everything was my fault and has been every since. It's my fault he wasn't a better man, it's my fault he put his hands on me, it's my fault he picked up and moved out of state with another drug addict 4 weeks after our 2nd child was born. She is so bipolar 1 minute we are great friends the next she's telling me what a loser I am and how his death is every1's fault. She could care less how our children have been effected by their fathers tragic public death, after all her children hurt more because he was "like their dad" wtf?!? Uh no he was like their uncle! She treats our 12yr old daughter who looks just like her like a red headed step child and our son like a prince. Even my ex had confronted her about that, but of course that was my fault to. She is the only family of their father's within 500miles but at this point I don't care anymore I'm cutting it off. She invites my son to stay the night with my daughter in tears thinking her own blood doesn't want her there. It is only when my daughter ask her can she come also does she think to include her. She is such a weirdo! It's at the point if she excludes my daughter 1 more time I'm going 2 knock her teeth out of her evil mouth. My children have been through 2 much and hurt just as much for their father if not more then her children hurt for their uncle. Her children have 2 fathers! Biological and step so she had no clue what my kids feel or think. She lost her mother at a young age so I figured she would be more understanding but no she is very spiteful. But yes I'm sorry to tell you it seems ur situation is a little more extreme then mine but in the end it's the same reason these sick women are in love with their brothers and we will always be the ones that took them away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2012): I am so sorry for you. I am replying a year later, so I would be interested in seeing what has resulted in your situation.Modnote: the rest of your post should be submitted as a Question. It is an excellent potential question. But it is not 'advice' to the OP and is instead your own question that should be posted as a question.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I finally got through to my husband with the help of some family members. Turns out there have been some other incestual issues with her in the family. All boys around my husbands age(she is 4 years older). He realized her behavior is appalling and kindly tried to speak to her about backing off and being a little nicer to me. She unleashed a verbal onslaught on him insulting him, myself and other family members. I didn't want him to have to choose, but he chose me. Their relationship is now ruined, but it's better for everyone involved in the long run.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Sigh.. chalice is right.. I didn't want to deal with the issue of incest or sexual abuse, it's too long to go into in this very short post. There is a possibility that as children your husband and his sister shared some sexual activity. This is very common, although nobody says a word about it. Now it might have been consensual, both of them agreeing, or it might be abuse, (him abusing her) This might be why she is acting sexual (to show the world) whilst your husband sees nothing (he prefers to forget what he has done)I'm not sure what your next step would be if this is the case, both she and him will deny it, but her behaviour won't change. Also there is a possibility they were both abused as children, but a family member unknown. That can also produce inappropriate sexual behaviour and extreme close bonding.Sigh.. lets go with the woman is crazy and out of her head, until another aunt comes up with a better suggest. It would be helpful if you could tell us how the rest of the family are reacting. If no one else acts like this, surely they find it strange... sigh
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): Definitely seems like emotional incest is occuring and possessiveness which is all parts of an abusive relationship.Husband is 'used' to this behaviour so his judgment is out the window as to what is healthy, acceptable behaviour which is NOT Sis In Law.Just because she's his sister, doesn't make her public displays of affection and possessiveness, and familiarity disconcerning. A grown adult woman sitting on his grown adult lap? Any other woman and that would be CHEATING and he CONSENTS to it. Its even MORE WRONG that it is his sister and it is SEXAUL in NATURE so SHOULD BE UNINVITED.The sad thing is that someone must have taught sister to be this way as well.You and Husband are going to have to get couples counselling. Even if you need it to start. But tell Husband, you both need it because he needs to hear and validate you. You have concerns and her unstable, unhealthy behaviours are causing stress, strain, pain, for you and its going to end your marriage in an UNNEEDED DIVORCE.Tell him she is no longer welcomed in the home while getting therapy short term and the plan may be adjusted after Marrriage AND Individual counselling. Tell him, her behaviours are unhealthy and her self perception is warped, and she is a harm to your children with her HIGHLY sexually suggestive statements to your children about her being their Mother. Thats mind games. NOT FAIR.TELL HIM You are now in protective MODE over your Family and Marriage.http://family.jrank.org/pages/847/Incest-Effects-on-Victims.htmlSister In Law has gone into COVET INCEST- she does WANT your ROLE because she LOST her POSITION and all the Whatever she was getting from your Husband be it emotional needs or...other.http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/emotional_incest.htmThe first thing you have to do though; is get immediate counselling ASAP. Get some support for yourself. Vent, Be Heard, Heal, Get Strong, and with this, you will be Stronger to face the storm that is ahead.Hang in there Sweetie. *hugs*
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 December 2011):
Yep, if what you say is true, then she is acting very strange and seems to have some sexual desire for her brother, your husband. Now the last thing you should do is get into a cat fight you probably won't win. Don't know how long you've been married, but she's probably been like this for years and so your husband is used to it and no longer finds it strange.Banning her from the house or making your husband cut her off, will only make you look jealous and insecure. Instead, I would use the method that people use with children throwing tantrums,or children who manipulate or tell lies. You got to "call her out", challenge her strange behaviour in public. Say she sits on his lap, bring everyone's attention to how strange it is by saying, "what's wrong with using a chair, or, is your brothers lap more comfortable than your boyfriends"... and again - when she wants to borrow your husbands clothes, again remind her about her boyfriend... you laugh and say "of course you can't be serious, only lovers exchange clothes like that. You must be having a joke or something, but if it's to make your boyfriend jealous, your brother's clothes won't do it."Do this over and over again... every strange request you must challenge and remind her (and everyone else) that her behaviour is unsuitable for a sister and should be directed at her own man. The stolen clothes, public humiliation.. you haven't put in enough details for me to tell you how to cope with this. But if she says things like "I wish you were my kid's father" then it's easy to respond "but they would probably be born with down syndrome and be disabled. I think thoughts like that are really strange.... Yukkk, sister and brother making children".... Straight away she'll jump in and defend herself, and so will your husband, they'll try to explain. What you do is give a little smile and say "oh I'm sorry, I misunderstood, I just thought it was a strange thing to say." And leave it at that, no need to say more, what you are doing is sowing gentle seeds, for him to notice and pick up, eventually he will see for himself.She won't change quickly. But if you keep challenging this behaviour firmly, politely, with a smile and a sense of humour, eventually other people, including your husband will start to think like you. They will start to recognise how often she acts and talks inappropriately, suddenly when she starts this seduction/incest stuff, they will tell her to behave and shut up. Must be some abuse, or some kind of issues in her past, so that's why it's no good to get angry, she doesn't know any better. But she can be stopped. Don't fight fire with fire, you will loose if you complain, sulk or try to throw her out. Fight fire with water and create steam. Pretend it's all a joke, and laugh at her and tease her, very gently, where everyone can see. Leave husband out of it, he is deaf, dumb and blind, he can't see, he can't understand, all he see's is you complaining about some type of unknown problem.Again, the other stuff, directed at you and not involving your husband, I can't tell you how to deal with that without more details. For instance, you got his family on your side. How does she get in your house to steal your clothes? Nope your not insane.. this behaviour is totally inappropriate and very, very strange. Build a wall in your heart, which protects you from her attacks. Don't get angry, don't get upset, don't let her affect you in any way. Your heart and pride are behind the wall, and she can't reach you there. Then use your brains to attack and strike, make your words be your weapon of choice. Like a boxer or a solider, it's a fight or a war, but it's not personal. This will give you the upper hand, at the moment you is emotion, and she is cold and calculating and using her brains to win.Good luck, write back and update if you want to provide more information about the other stuff.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Why does she even come visit your house, honestly she wouldn't be welcome in my house.
I would have to put my foot down, she sounds ridiculous.
If your DH won't do anything I would pull her aside and tell her that if she can't behave like a normal decent human being, she isn't welcome in your house.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): When did they meet? Where they seperated for a time as children, so they didn't get to know each other too well so she could see him in an incestual way without getting grossed out? Regardless, this behavior needs to stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 I'm sorry to hear you are going through this situation. It seems very strange to me that she behaves this way with him. How does your husband react to her? Perhaps the reason why she is so upset is because at one point they were "together". I wouldn't be surprised by her behavior if they sexual in the past. If this is the case (I could be completely wrong...I'm just taking a guess based on what you wrote) then is understandable that she hates you and wants the both of you to split. As she sees it...you stole the man she can never have. And because she is so close to him the chances of her getting over him is slim. I can only see two options in your case (perhaps the other Aunts and Uncles can offer more options):1. Stay with your husband and put up with the abuse she is giving you. You already tried to talk to him but he refuses to listen.2. Leave. You cannot be happy being with him when his sister is acting this way. I highly doubt she is acting like this for no apparent reason. (However I could be WRONG)Seek advice from the other Aunts and Uncles before you make up your mind because mine is just ONE opinion. Take care and Good Luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): yikes sounds like your sis in law is psycho!! this is really inappropriate behavior and it's also very abnormal. I'd actually be worried if she has mental illness that needs professional help. I'm sorry but this is not normal sibling interaction or sibling reaction.you've obviously been with your hb for several years now, I can only imagine you must be at your wits' end trying to put up with this. It's time to stop, this has gone on long enough.you should try again to communicate with your hb about this because not just her behavior but his ignorance is also highly troubling. Start documenting things and then sit him down in a neutral place and try to have a level headed discussion with him. He needs to see that this is a problem. If he doesn't and refuses to take part in changing this dysfunctional family dynamic, then I would seriously consider if you should end this marriage because this is not a marriage when there's a third party involved whom your husband is willingly allowing.
...............................
|
