A
female
age
36-40,
*onely87
writes:I was with my boyfriend (21) for 2 and a half years. Im 22. We broke up 8 months ago as it was a terrible emotionally abusive relationship. He was so so nasty that I just cracked and eventually developed some type of anxiety. He cheated on me, called me names, ignored me when he wanted to, when he spent time with friends he would never ring or text, this could be for a whole week. It was so bad, we kept breaking up but I was to weak to leave it. My main problem is I think he raped me. We would be lying in bed watching tv and he would want sex, of course I enjoyed sex with him but sometimes I was just not in the mood. So I said no, I'm not in the mood and he became persistant, rolling me onto my back, telling me to "stop being a bitch£".. I said "No, I dont want sex, Im not in the mood"... He would not stop though. He would undo my jeans and keep going. I said to him "You know this could be considered rape" thinking he would leave me alone. So we ended up haveing sex, against my will.... I said no, but he wouldnt listen... The thing is, I dont know if this is rape. I have been suffering from bad anxiety since this relationship... Can anyone please give their opinion. I think that because I was his gf it was ok.. even when I clearly stated "no".. I still layed there, I didnt get up and leave... I don't know, I cant bring myself to trust a fella, Im so messed up. I need good honest (but not nasty) advice...
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broke up, cheated on me, emotionally abusive, in the mood, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lonely87 +, writes (23 May 2010):
Lonely87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWithout a doubt that is rape!!! When you say stop it means stop... No matter if you have had sex before... It does not give any man the right to sleep with you when ever he wants.... I have begun counselling in that area and I swear it has helped me a lot... I really think you need to kick this guy to the kirb, he really has no respect for you to treat you like that... My ex has me so afriad of being with or trusting another guy thats its scary. Please dont let this guy make you feel like that!! Its not nice...
Im sorry you had to do through it!! Its so hard to accept when its a person you trust and love... I wish you the best and if you need to talk send me a message!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): I did a google search to find this site b/c I think I'm going through the same thing. The guy that I'm seeing and I went out for drinks Thursday we got back to his house and began to make out. Things got heated so I asked him to put on a condom first...we got into an argument then I thought we both the decided to go to bed...I was laying on my side w/ my back towards him. He then got on top of me pulled my panties down a little and did his business. I told him no stop several times...at one time I asked why was he doing this...he said b/c he wanted me. I feel asleep in a fetal position...the next morning I woke up I hated myself. We've had sex before but was this rape?
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A
female
reader, Lonely87 +, writes (31 March 2010):
Lonely87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think the reason it looks so tame is cause I am finding it hard to believe it is rape... Its what happened, but to me it seemed like I was over reacting. I still feel like Im over reacting. Everythime we would break up, I felt weak and missed him and went crawling back!!! Its kinda like when some says "jump", well I was the one asking "how high".. So in my opinion it happened cause I let it happen!! Im finding it hard to accept it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): After reading your column more carefully as well as your reply, I have changed my opinion. This guy is a complete idiot scumbag who probably was brought up thinking that he is so awesome and women should do whatever he says. I must admit the way you first described it, it kind of tame. But now I realize the situation you were in and i'm sorry. Yes, I don't understand why you continued with him after the first time it happened. After the second I really don't get it but by then you must have been a little scared and probably a bit brainwashed by him. Go to therapy. This has to be addressed. Him raping you in the first place was not your fault. I believe you should pursue this. Even if he doesn't get convicted maybe it will at least stop him from further actions like this.
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A
female
reader, Lonely87 +, writes (31 March 2010):
Lonely87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo it happened about 3 times, not everytime! And I made it VERY clear i did not want sex!! For a fella to undo my jeans and practically undress me while Im telling him to stop and pushing his hands away, well, i think he would be smart enough to stop!! or are you the type who thinks when a girlfriend says no, she means yes??? Maybe he thought he had every right to have sex when ever he wanted with me?Now that is why I think its my fault, cause it happened more than once, and I did not walk away!!! I should have left him and never looked back.... And for that i hate myself for!!!!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (31 March 2010):
 When you were with him , you were like in a spell. You were not really yourself,like some one walking in a trance or cast a spell on you.(Black magic or Voodoo rites)
Now the spell does not work anymore on you when you broke off with him and you see the truth.
Don't blame yourself or judge yourself harshly .It happened and it was an unfortunate incident in your life. Closed this chapter and begin a new one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): It kind of disturbs me a little that you said it happened every time you had sex/rape. I wrote it that way because coming from a mans stand point, he may not have believed you serious because your protests were not aggressive and it was common for you to say no. PLEASE ladies don't bash me. I don't know either one of these people. So I can't speak to state of mind of either. I have just known women who have acted similar as she has but not really meant it. Having said that, you are not wrong. If you said no and he still went through with it, the LAW says it's rape. I just don't think a guy needs to be labelled as a rapist and life ruined because he didn't understand that she was serious. And don't tell me "of course he knew", because guys don't think the same way women do and you know it.
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 Maybe before now you were trying to forget about it and now after a while your mind is opening back up to what happened.
But nothing was your fault. The only person you made it worse for is yourself, but now you're realising what happened was so bad, you can sort out the issues that you have =]
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female
reader, Lonely87 +, writes (30 March 2010):
Lonely87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also feel like this whole thing was my fault, mainly has it happened a few times. Why did I stay with him? Why did I just lie there everytime?? Im so depressed over everything he did... Its so horrible. But what i cant figure out why after 8 months of being single and away from him am i only realiseing all this??
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (30 March 2010):
You said no, you persisted to say no, you made it clear you weren't joking. He pinned you down and did it anyway. This is rape. Dob him in before he hurts you again or does the same to another girl. If you're not having counselling already, it probably wouldn't hurt you =]
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (30 March 2010):
 Some people don't show these symptoms of stress until years after a traumatic event happened. I believe the next best step is too talk to a therapist about everything that has happened. After that I can't tell you to press charges or not. Maybe that is something you will decide after therapy. But, if you truly believe everything he did was wrong and rape then perhaps it would be wise to charge him. It will be tough, so no one will blame you if you don't cause it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. But because it wasn't violent it may be hard to prove. But do whats in your heart.
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female
reader, Lonely87 +, writes (30 March 2010):
Lonely87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies. I just cant figure this all out. I have terrible anxiety in the form of intrusive thoughts!!! About 3-4 months before we broke up they started. They involve thoughts about my sexuality. I know Im not a lesbian cause I have no desire to be with women at all.. But I have some fear that is causing this. I cant figure it out... So maybe this is causing it??? I have no trust left in me for anyone!!! I guess ye are right that it was rape but it happened a bit ago, why is it only affecting me now???
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (30 March 2010):
Any sex that is not consensual is rape. You were raped by your b/f. He took advantage of your weakness to force it upon you .
What is your next course of action?
Do you plan to report him to the police ?
It is one man's words against another and proving it maybe difficult in court.
But even if it cannot bring a conviction , his name will be tainted. It will be entered into the police and court's records.
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female
reader, lily13524 +, writes (30 March 2010):
 Yes girl its classify as rape,i have heard if you in a relationship and your spouse force you to have sex well its known as date rape.But you should really report him and get this man off the streets!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): A similar thing happened to me I was in my bedroom with my boyfriend and he pushed me down on the bed and stared undoing my pants I told him no and sat up but he pushed me down agian. I know I should have tried more to stop him but I was embarresed because my mom was home and I didn't want her to hear us so I just let him have his way. He called me later that night and said sorry. I said ok but I felt so dirty. So I sort of know how you feel cause in my case I gave in and he didn't hurt me. So I didn't know what to make of that ethier. But I think back on it now and relize it was rape. You should tell somebody about this cause it was wrong and it was him not you. You are not to blame it was him.
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 If you said "no," and he forced you to have sex, then by definition that is rape. It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship, what he did was criminal. I hope you press charges against him because he belongs in jail.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Yeah you and me girl. This happened to me but I didn't fight because I was too scared (i was 9, he was 13) and I still feel like it was my fault but everyone on this site told me it's not my fault and that it was rape... I think yours is too. And it's really mean for him to call you a bitch because you didn't want to have sex. He's a jerk and you should report him. He's a hazard to women and you should get him off the streets. I would hate some other poor girl to fall for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): You said no. If you meant that as you said and he kept going then it is rape. If you want to report it then it is well within your rights.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 March 2010):
Just because he's your boyfriend doesn't mean that he can't rape you. There are husbands that have raped their wives. If you told him you didn't want to have sex but he persisted and followed through with the act against your wishes, then yes, it's rape.
I hope you find the strength and courage to leave ths a-hole. Don't ever think that you can't do better, because you can. Think if anyone of your girlfriends was in the relationship that you have, wouldn't you think she should just leave and that she deserves better?
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