A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI think my boyfriend of 7 months still has feelings for his ex girlfriend even though he says he doesn't. They broke up about a year and a half ago.I feel this way because he is still friends with her even though she treated him horribly during their relationship. He said she lied to him about everything, she started cheating on him, and in the end she left him for another guy and that she said she didn't love him anymore. He said he was really heart broken.So I think why does he want to be friends with someone who treated him like this? She doesn't sound like she even cares about him as a friend though she tries to talk to him often. What is there for them to be talking about? I feel that he is trying to cling on to this girl and keep her in his life for a reason other than just an innocent friendship. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid?He said he will always love her as a person because of the fact that he was in love with her, but that he doesn't trust her at all anymore and that everything she tells him is a lie. He also said he is still upset that she hurt him like she did, which concerned me.I would just like an outsiders opinion on this situation because I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that he wants to be friends with someone like this. I really love and care for this guy and would hate to find out that he still has feelings for her. I do not want to break up with him.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 November 2013):
 I agree with YouWish.
He can protest ALL he wants about being over her, HE isn't. What is the point in keeping someone like that IN your life? Specially if you do not share a child (for instance) because then you don't really HAVE a choice. HE does, and he CHOOSES to keep her around.
Maybe he doesn't love her like he used to, but... by keeping her around he is in a way saying that what she did is OK. Not for YOU to do but for the ex. It's messed up if you ask me.
I know you said breaking up is not what you want so I would tell him HOW it makes you feel and I would ask him how HE would feel if the roles were reversed and YOU were talking to an abusive ex.
Talk about it, but I wouldn't make demands, If he understands and respect you he might think it over and realize what he is doing is detrimental to his CURRENT relationship and any relationships he will have in the future. It has to be his choice, not something he feels pressured to do. Because then he will just hide it.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 He is in contact with the ex, in love with her, cannot get her out of his system. You are what he has settled for because his heart is "safe" with you. He may never leave you for her but you are not the love of his life. This must hurt but you need to decide whether you can settle for being his second choice....
Its well and good that there are people that are strong and can just walk away, its all or nothing, but some just cant except defeat and want their dream to come true. You want him to love you as much as you love him, and sometimes we believe if we stuck it out, he will feel that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): Hi!
I can relate to your question. I am still friends with one of my ex bf. But don't get me wrong, I no longer have romantic feelings for him. Our conversation is just thru text and emails. Its no longer like before.
Sure he always initiates messaging me. Mostly just to say hi and how are things with you.
But that's all about it. We parted ways in a respectful manner, there was no yelling, no rude argues, or whatever that will make us hate each other.
It was so peaceful. So when he message me after we broke up, It was easy to say I'm fine. How bout you.
I guess what I'm saying is, Ex gf's are ex gf's. Whatever your bf had with her is all HISTORY. SHE IS HISTORY.
If things were so great with her then why would he make you his gf? Clearly its NOT. That's why your together NOW. A short message from ex is not harmful at anyway. what's harmful is if they see each other, without your knowledge or even with your knowledge.
I think its not acceptable, there would always be tension, unless you are psychologically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stable. If you are then its a piece of cake, if your not, be honest with your bf. Tell him how you feel.
In my own opinion, your bf still have respect and emotions for her but in a different way. She broke his heart. He was honest saying he was in love with her but he no longer trust her.
My suggestion is for you to try to trust your bf. Is he always with you? If he is, it only means your the one he wants to be with. Sometimes we are just creating our own ghost.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): I dated a gal for a year, and she did the same, except, she had a 2 year old little boy. He loved me, and she ended up leaving for another guy, and that guy was her ex husbands best friend. I wouldn't say that he is "wanting" her, more than he is wanting the memory to go away. I haven't spoke to my ex in a year, and I am still devastated. What he needs is an ear to listen, and a heart to care.I am going to agree with the fact that you aren't his priority right now, and I understand that what I am saying is a harsh reality. Expect the unexpected, and don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. You can't change the past, or what someone feels. Judging by your post, you have a good head on your shoulders. I think you should put your time and effort in to a man, that would be devastated over you, like he is over her. Don't sell yourself short!Take care, and don't stress yourself, because you'll end up with who you're meant to in the end. Keep faith alive, because a little will take you a long way.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 November 2013):
 You just answered you own question here:
"He said he will always love her as a person because of the fact that he was in love with her, but that he doesn't trust her at all anymore and that everything she tells him is a lie. He also said he is still upset that she hurt him like she did, which concerned me."
He isn't over her, and wanting to be friends with the person who cheated on you, keeping in contact, and declaring that you still love the person is enough to know that he's not over her in the slightest.
You will always be the one he "settled" for. I don't know about you, but I'd be out of that relationship FAST if a guy said that to me. Being over a cheater means that hell would freeze over before he'd ever want to talk to her again, that her cheating made her repulsive to him, and that communicating with her would be like sticking his face in dog poop.
I don't know about you, but I would hate if when a guy's making love to me, he closes his eyes and pretends it's her. That's what this guy does, and you are not in his heart. I've been cheated on before, and I guarantee that the moment I caught him, the love *stopped* right there. He should be zero contact with her, and the fact that he's said all of this should have you not only breaking up with him, but drop kicking him to the curb with the force of an NFL punter.
You don't want to break up with him? I hope you like being a blow-up doll who breathes, because it isn't you he loves, no matter how much he says he does. You are the third wheel, and he is mistreating you and you're letting him because you're too desperate to go for a guy who loves only you and no one else.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 You are right OP, he still has feelings for her. The fact that he says he loves her as a person is enough to justify this, and its strange that he says that even though she treated him like trash. He's clinging on to her when she's clearly moved on. You are also right in saying that there is nothing in it for them to be talking, especially when they broke up on such bitter terms. Clearly, he doesn't want her out of his life and is just holding on to her so that she's there in his sight.
What, then, is he doing with you? I don't think you should stick around playing second fiddle for a guy who has no self-respect as far as his ex is concerned because he apparently still isn't over the ex who treated him badly and hurt him. Fine, to each his own, he can continue loving her all he wants, its just that YOU shouldn't be in the picture.
You say you don't want to break up with him? Fine, that's up to you. But be prepared for the fact that you are not his priority, the other woman is. If you can accept that, then great...its your decision. I personally would find that too humiliating and want out of it so that he can take some time off and decide on what he wants. But in the end, if you feel that you still don't want to break up with him or even take a break, then you have to accept things as they are.
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