A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I suspect my bf is lying to me about his activities when out with his friends. We had a discussion before where he mentioned the sort of antics they get up to but he doesn't take part. I'm mostly concerned about his activities when they are going to strip clubs, which he openly mentions, however I don't think I get the full truth. Should I confront him or do I get a PI involved to get evidence first? Way I see it he may being truthful and a PI would give peace of mind. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2020): Hire a PI? Seriously?!!
The guy isn't your husband...he isn't even your fiance!!!
If you don't trust him, then get rid of him. A boyfriend doesn't owe you the honesty, faithfulness, and devotion of a husband. It takes vows before a witness and someone officially vested to join people in legal matrimony to give your commitment that level of fidelity. A husband owes his wife a full-accounting of his time when away from her. Boyfriends and girlfriends are on the honor-system; and either you trust them, or you don't!
Hire a PI if you like. If it turns out he's always been honest with you, and he learns what you did; he'll think you're a nutcase! If you keep it from him you've hired someone to tail him and spy on him; you are worse than he is. He has to trust you, while you don't trust him. Meanwhile, keeping the secret that you intrude on his privacy!
Are you royalty, an heiress of a billion-dollar fortune, the daughter of a diplomat??? For security reasons they can justify taking such precautions.
Love can't be established and will never take root without trust. You don't trust him, and you are extreme in your measures to keep tabs on him; which will imperil any chances of your relationship being long-term, or succeeding. It's normal to have some measure of insecurity, because that is human. To take such dramatic/drastic steps to reassure yourself; shows insecurity at almost an unhealthy level.
You need evidence, not mere suspicion. Maybe spying may yield results; but you're using an unfair advantage to gain the upperhand.
He has to trust someone almost insanely insecure, and doesn't trust him. He isn't spying on you to determine if you're mentally stable enough to commit himself to you. If you have already found evidence that he's the cheating-type; or you've discovered something so incriminating that it provokes your suspicions. Why have you remained in a relationship with someone you know isn't trustworthy? You want something you can throw-back in his face when you catch him in a lie. Then sweetheart, you had better never lie...never once, or about anything!
He's a grown-man. He doesn't have to layout in detail his every movement or whereabouts to neither his mother, nor to you.
He tells you what happens when he and his friends go out. If you feel he's of questionable-character, untrustworthy, and lies to you; then don't waste your time and money. Let him go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2020): If your boyfriend is going to strip clubs then he's probably doing whatever you're afraid he's doing. Just leave and find someone who doesn't think women are objects to ogle for money.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 January 2020):
 This all boils down to trust. If you don't trust him then, regardless of what a PI finds/doesn't find, you will still doubt him. You will think the PI lied or didn't do their job properly.
Has your boyfriend broken your trust in the past, causing you to distrust him now, or do you just distrust people (boyfriends) generally?
If you trust him, let him be. If you don't, let him go. This is no way to live a life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 January 2020):
 Good grief!
You want to PAY a PI to stalk your BF to see if he is being truthful or not?
What kind of World do you live in?
Why are you even dating him if you think you can't trust him? And what is that you think HE gets up to?
I have to agree with Code Warrior, that YOU figuring out WHY you don't trust him is more important than evidence.
Here is the reason why.
Let's say you WASTE your money on a PI. The PI confirms your BF's story. So you should AUTOMATICALLY know that you CAN trust him. But maybe your BF was not doing anything "shady" that day because he wasn't feeling good or in the mood or he didn't have the money to waste. So what then? And what about ALL the times BEFORE you hired the PI?
You see what I mean? IT WILL not give you peace of mind or make you trust him overnight.
You NEED to get to the root of you distrust.
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