A
female
age
36-40,
*ibz
writes:i think my boyfriend is still in love with his ex. we have been together eight months and i have found two dvds of her and he said he name in his sleep. he has also gone to meet her at the start of the relationship and i dont knoe if i can trust him. he says he would never go back but im un convinced. what should i do? he says im just being paranoid?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): well i have the same proublem, exept he still talks to her and he even sometimes wishes he would say to her i love you instead of me i felt like shit
A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (19 May 2008):
 I think you need to be very careful, and most certainly you should not put up with him ever, ever putting you second to any ex. If he is with you, then he puts you first. Anything else is wrong and unreasonable.
But, it's never that simple. Most of us carry something of our past with us, including our past loves and lovers. To put someone you have loved out of your thoughts totally, would be wrong. The love may be over; the relationship may be over; but something always remains even if it as little as lessons learned and experiences that would never be repeated.
I keep pictures of my ex's. I've been invited to their weddings - three of them. And I took my present partner (long-term - over twenty years now) with me to each one and introduced him. It was good to see how happy they were now, and I won't pretend I didn't enjoy the memories that were brought back by the hug I had from each of them in front of my partner and in front of the women they were marrying. I think that's how it should be. There is one that I don't see and have never seen since we broke up. I still remember him quite fondly in many ways, but I have no particular desire to see him or to know how he is doing. It wasn't an easy relationship.
So what am I trying to say? As long as your boyfriend puts you first, then I don't think it ought to be a problem that he still remembers a former girlfriend or that those memories are, in part at least, pleasant ones. There should be no need to be jealous - watchful, certainly, because these things can go wrong, but not jealous unless you have real, solid reason to feel there is a problem. Just love him, and make him appreciate how VERY much better you are than anyone he's had before or anyone else anywhere. Don't give him reason to doubt his attachment to you or your attachment to him. That's the key. That's what makes relationships last, not whether or not he also keeps some memories or someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Some men find it hard to move on until they understand what went wrong in the first place. They do this so they don't repeat it. I suggest you let him open up and offer compassionate and caring insight. It will be good for both of you if you can both work through this. It will show your open to talk about deep thoughts, this is usually missing in a man's life, he can't talk to other men about it, and most of the time, women don't want to be bothered unless it is about her.
If you can work through this with him that he can let it go, I think the both of you will have a better chance of a happy life together, otherwise, he will hit that magical age and he will have his mid-life crisis, because then, he will realize he doesn't have that close relationship he needs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): If you read my answers you would discover that I HATE BLOODY F EXS with a passion. They have been the bain of my life. I know they are a massive part of some peoples lives but they should be pushed into the background, so tell your bloke that he has to push her into the background, because you are not hanging around and being part of a triangle. Life is too short to put up with crap and rubbish.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, amamom  +, writes (19 May 2008):
He may be holding onto a lost cause a security item. It happens,confront him on the issue and explain how uncomfortable you are about the dvds being in his posession still, and after 18 months you feel as if he should have the same mutual respect for you as you offer to him. Explain how you feel insecure over these items that bother you emotionally and ask how he would feel if it were the other way around. If he cannot part from the items from his past he isnt over her and you should move on, but offer him the opportunity to do so before calling it quits.
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