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female
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anonymous
writes: Pls help me on this one men/woman: should I stay or should I go? My boyfriend and I have been in a 2 year relationship, he is the man of my dreams, treats me and my family like gold, very loving, kind etc. but recently I checked his my space account (invasion of privacy I know) and found he emailed a girl saying "I am interested in getting to know you". Her site was very sexually explicit/graphic. He tells me he wasn't serious --he was just joking around/bored etc, but I am hurt and really confused as to why he did this. I am attractive, we have a great relationship, good sex life etc. When I found out, I told him to go home, took away my keys from him (is this too harsh?) On top of this, he recently lost his job (downsizing) and has not been the most responsible guy in the last 2 years I've known him: car repossessed; licence not renewed, I've loaned him money etc.etc. The strange thing is he is not lazy (gets up at 6:00am; runs marathons etc.). Some of my friends tell me he's young (26), and I should stick it out as he's a great guy, I'm not so sure of his decision making skills or judgement is the best, and that's important to me in a relationship. I'd love your input on what your thoughts are --Now with this added element of emailing this chick, I am really metally exhausted. Is this emailing myspace people common for guys and they mean nothing buy it? Like entertainment? or should I let this guy go? Thank you for your advice ---I value it. Sad and Confused
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): Dump him. Immediately. My boyfriend did the same thing to me. He quit his job and then proceeded to skip classes---I was working FT and he went back to school. He was obsessed with several women, including ones in China and Australia and God knows where else. He even used a webcam! He never told me, but I suspected, so when he was in the shower---that's when I saw the sexually-explicit emails. (He had saved their history.)
I was in the same boat---worked out 5 days a week, worked for a software company, advanced degrees, good sense of humor, and generous.
I am still with him. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. But, if you don't leave now, you never will. Like the gentleman who's girlfriend did the same to him, I applaud him.
A
male
reader, fd +, writes (17 June 2006):
o and one more thing..don't let people give you the age bullshit as an excuse..at 26, you are not young..you are, or should be, a responsible man...and you are mature enough to know that decisions you make hurt other people..i'm really sick of people blaming things on age..and that age only seems to be going up..26, young..what a joke! good luck, you seem like a sweet girl and deserve someone who takes care of you and is on the same level as you mentally..
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A
male
reader, fd +, writes (17 June 2006):
well maybe some input from a male who went through the same thing , except I was the one who was the great guy and I found her e-mailing other people...I was fully committed to this girl, she was 23 and i am 29..I bought a house for myself and her, did everything right, family loved me, was supporitive, worked my ass off, ectt ectt...when we first moved into our new house, she asked if i wouldn't mind her going away for the weekend with her g/f's..so i said sure, no prob..when i got home i found an e-mail to a male, saying how she wished he could come with them, ect..i was very upset and was going to break it off right then and there..then i got scared..i started thinking about myself.all the work i put in, all the good stuff we have together, all the family stuff and so on and so on..and when i look back now, this stuff blinds you to the reality of what happened..you found him basically talking (in a way that was uncomfortable to you)to another female..not acceptable..when this happened to me, all of my friends and family said tell her to hit the road..those kind of things are not mistakes or jokes..they are conscience decisions that someone makes..but i didn't listen..and what happened? 6 months later, i caught her again..only this time i found photos or her kissing someone.. again, she cried and said it was a mistake..but this time it was over..no matter how devasting it was to me..it had to be..you have lost trust in your relationship..you desreve a guy who is just as committed as you, don't listen to lies he tells you or how it's a joke or a mistake..b/c it is not..and if you accept it now..he knows what he can get away with and will only test the waters a little furthur next time..tell this guy to beat it and go hang out with his internet girl...i'm sure he'll realize what he lost and come crawling back in no time..then you can tell him to beat it again and you'll feel great!
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (17 June 2006):
 Well I think you could possibly tie two things together here; we know hes not got the best judgement from what you write here so its possible this emailin thing is another lapse in judgement. It seems to me that there are underlying issues in this relationship anyways and this is merely what has brought things to a head.
Its said that love is blind but this isnt true; love is purest sight but it appears blind because although you are aware of someones faults, how you feel about them as a person outweighs there faults.
When it comes down to the nitty-gitty thats what you have to decide, if he is worth putting his faults aside or at least trying to work on them. I think you need to address the underlying problems there are. Hope that helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): Well I would be extremely distressed if this happened to me. You were right to take away your keys and tell him to go home, no it wasn't too harsh! You have been very kind and loving towards him and supported him through the bad times, his unemployment, loaning him money etc. You have shown your commitment towards him and frankly how has he repaid your kindness? By emailing some girl that to him was just for fun and a joke, not nice. In my eyes he has taken advantage of your good nature, sadly there are a lot of guys around like this. He said that he was bored, that was his excuse. The fact that he was emailing another girl in my eyes is betrayal, maybe he hasn't met her but the thought was obviously on his mind. Even though its hard for you now because you obviously love him dearly, don't contact him and if he really wants to be with you let him do all the begging. Give yourself some space, and if he does come back to you, you can lay the cards on the table and tell him what you want from him. Best of luck.
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