A
female
age
51-59,
*arie.m
writes:Hi, just wondering can anyone give me some advice or input into something I an dealing with. I think my boyfriend has been fantasizing about a co-worker for some time. I think when he was in bed with me he was also fantasizing about her. I am now thinking that some of the scenarios he was talking about during fantasy he might have actually done with her. I spoke to someone about this and they said no that if had done this stuff for real it would no longer be a fantasy. Any ideas?
View related questions:
co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Fantasies start off in the mind, they ONLY stop being fantasies if/when they become a reality. If he still wants to act certain things out with you that you suspect of being related to this woman, its likely (if there is a connection to her) that they are STILL fantasies, and he hasn't yet had the chance to get them acted out by her. I can't see the point of him wanting to re-enact things out with you that he's already done with her, if he could just as easily go and get the real thing from her again...
Generally speaking, any intelligent man who is cheating or planning to cheat, would know its wise to keep his infidelities as separate as possible from his personal relationship with his partner. He would NOT want to give any clues away and especially if he knows you already suspect something is going on.
The only one who knows for sure what's going on in his head is him, and he's already denied any sexual involvement/or desire for, with this co-worker, and i believe he's going to stick to that story true or not. You may never know for sure (or hear what you want to hear), so you might just have to make a decision based on you gut instinct on this one, either give him the benefit of the doubt and move past this phase, or split up with him if you can't trust him. Those really are your only options when it all boils down I'm afraid.
A
female
reader, marie.m +, writes (29 November 2012):
marie.m is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThey are based soly on this woman in work, it was when she began working with him that I felt there was a change, I did not overly worry about it as he told me he didnt even speak to her. I felt for months the fantasies were related to her and then when he had to come clean and say what had happened in work the whole lot fitted into place for me, it all made sense so to speak. He did admit to having her in the car driving her home from work a few times, some of the fantasies were based in the car. I suppose for me the question is if these fantasies had really happened is it possible, normal or common for a man to be talking them through with his partner in bed?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): I guess what I'm saying is, are these suspicions based SOLY on this woman at his work, or could they be a result of something from the past that has caused you to distrust, become insecure and have low self esteem.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Its very easy once the seed of doubt gets planted in your head, to let your mind run away with you. You just focus on looking for signs that may give the game away, and there becomes a point when even the most innocent and subtle things/changes that normally would go unquestioned/unnoticed or just come as a nice surprise (like the spur of the moment blow job and routine changes in the bedroom), become suspicious.
Think of it another way - What IF the situation was different, and he worked with men ONLY, but still all these changes in his behaviour took place, would you still question it?
...............................
A
female
reader, marie.m +, writes (29 November 2012):
marie.m is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Karlos, i asked and he said it was just stuff that came into his head, even thought clothes that he described during it were very specific, like a frill on the mini skirt n small zip up the back, maybe it is me but my gut tells me it was all about her. I do put effort into the bedroom with him. Thats part of what makes me feel so bad, id prefer to put effort into someone who appreciates me and what i can offer but i love him and im finding it very difficult at the mo. When the story broke about this c0-worker and all that had happened he said one night that he wanted me to give him a b.j in the car. I was surprised as it was out of context of the conversation we were having, again my head went to she must have done that to him and now he wants me to do it. I am trying to focus more on me and try build back up my confidence but these questions keep coming into my head,
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): It might not be so much that he has fantasies about this women, but maybe more a case of he'd like you to dress more feminine, or at least dress up in the bedroom for him. It think its possible that this is something more to do with YOU, than it is to do with this co-worker, and maybe you're just over thinking things.
Just ask him why he suddenly became more exploratory in the bedroom department since this co-worker came to work "scantily clad". On the other hand, if its not fantasies about her, then there must be a legitimate reason for this... If he's got nothing to hide, then he will have something to tell you other than just denying its nothing to do with the other woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, marie.m +, writes (29 November 2012):
marie.m is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. The reason I think he was fantasizing about her is he told me this co-worker comes to work with clothes that leave nothing to the imagination. It is since then that his fantasies began to include picturing me bending down in front of him, and opening my top etc..... He told me he never spoke to this co-worker but it came out recently that he used speak to her and they were friendly enough in work. I was devastated by this as i thought I could trust him. He said they stopped talking and she went around the job telling co-workers things he had said about them and he got into trouble. He said he has not spoken to her for the past 3 months and i believe that. Its the past thats worrying me and even though I know he is now no longer talking to her the fantasies remain the same. I have asked him and he said no way, but I really do believe these fantasies are based on her. He was describing being in a quiet setting( which I took to be work) and me bending down, coming over givng him my. underwear so he could go in to the toilet etc.... I am feeling pretty crap over all this and its really affecting my own sense of my self. If i thought the scenarios did not really happen I would feel better but I cant help wondering. Thank you all so much and I really would appreciate any more advice on this based on what i have just said here.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): This should help explian a bit of the background to this question.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-concerned-that-i-cant-trust-him-because.html
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): Well one thing is certain, if he's acted out something that "was" a fantasy, obviously its not a fantasy anymore as it became reality.
What makes you think some of the things you and him have done in the bedroom were actually fantasies he had about a co-worker? Is there a particular co-worker that you suspect he likes? Has he ever slipped up and mentioned another woman's name during sex to make you think this?
It all sounds a little sketchy to me.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (28 November 2012):
 I think you need to print out a copy of this submittal, show it to your B/F and ask him, "What do you think about this????"
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): I need more information before I can give you a good answer.
First of all, what makes you think he is fantasizing about her? Does he bring her up a lot during conversations? Does he make remarks about her appearance that imply he is sexually attracted to her? Or is just your imagination running wild? For example: You believe she is prettier than you or has something else you're lacking, so you assume he must think that as well.
Also, why do you feel he cheated on you with her? Has he given you reason not to trust him in the past?
...............................
|
