A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a freshman in college and so is my girlfriend of 2 years. We are very close, but I attend college 7 hours away from her. I don't see her except on holidays, and recently she has been getting really close with a good looking Indian guy (She is Indian too, I'm white) I got on her facebook, which she doesnt know, and saw she had 400 messages with this guy. They were all in a different language though so I couldn't get the details. When I express my concern for her leaving me she assures me that I'm the right one for her, that she loves me, and that we're going to get married one day. But seriously, I feel like I might get played. I'm too scared to give her my entire heart, if she leaves me or cheats on me I will be so devastated. I love her so much. Meanwhile, there is a guy from her homeland that she is spending more time with..a guy her parents would aprove of, a guy with the same religion as her. Blah. I'm stressed. I can't stop stressing over this, what should I do? I'm sure she's getting annoyed at me being so insecure..but I can't help it when this guy is seemingly her best friend. He is so much more convenient for her in every way, better looking too. Sorry for ranting
View related questions:
best friend, facebook, her ex, insecure, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, htetnaingoo +, writes (11 December 2012):
People usually feel insecure with the relationships they have, especially if they give all of their entire heart or life on them. Trust is the fundamental material for intimate partners to have security and successful relationships. Most of the people said, “Trust builds a relationship and only trust makes a relationship solid.” Social network such as facebook is getting popular, we know that almost every people using it to communicate with other, which causes trust issue among relationships. This is one of the main reasons why most of the couples losing trust in relationships. Freedom is another necessary thing in a relationship too. Taking over control on an intimate partner can only lead to break up. So, trusting on an intimate by avoiding over control is the best solution that every couple should do in order to make relationships stronger and healthier.
You are seemed to be insecure with your relationship. Even though she told you such things like you are the right one for her and she is going to marry with you one day, you are still bounded with insecurities. Besides, you only stay with her during the weekend, which makes you get jealous and makes you think a lot with the other guy who she is communicating with. I know that you feel suspicious and I can accept that you get jealous by seeing those 400 messages in a different language on facebook, but you can’t really tell what she is doing something to harm the relationship between you and her. Before you judge her, I would like you to suggest that you should figure out what those messages are about. Placing trust on the entire relationship, I believe you can find a way to get back with her.
Get over with you insecurity, calm yourself down and see how the relationship goes. You should focus on the present situation instead of thinking about the future like what is going to happen to the relationship. Giving your entire heart is risky right now. In order to fix the problem, you should ask her to talk honestly about the relationship between that guy and her before you get seriously hurt. If you really want her back, I am saying that you should spend more time with her by hanging out with her. Otherwise, trying to fill up your head with that thing is not a good choice right now because it will give you nothing but depressions and make you stress out.
Pick up something around you and grip it really tight. You will feel ok at the beginning but you will find out the pain in your hand sooner. I want to say that the harder you grip, the more pain you feel. The same thing happens in the relationship too. I know that you don’t want to lose her so you wants grip the relationship with her tight. In other word, this is over controlling. Every relationship has this kind of problem but sometime you just need to relax and let her decide what she wants. If you don’t, she will most likely leave the relationship. Another thing is you should build up is your self-esteem. Talking about that Indian guy, I saw you mention him as a good-looking guy. That is the only way to make you feel more insecure like she is going to leave you and go out with him. Before placing trust on someone else, I would like to suggest that you should trust yourself first and have confidence with who you are.
As a matter of fact, there are no relationships that build without trust. In order to get along each other, intimate partners should understand each other. Trust and understanding is the matters that can maintain the relationship firmly. Besides, we know that there is no perfect relationship in this world. Some people even say relationships come up with pains and sacrifices. So, I think the best way is to talk to her, make decisions and be honest with everything before you give her everything. In this way, I believe you can come up with a good solution in order to build a healthy relationship.
A
male
reader, jackray +, writes (11 December 2012):
Dear Anonymous:
There are many things that can lead up to being insecure. You could have had or seen a personal experience that may have lead you to feel this way. Let me reassure there is nothing wrong with you for having these feelings. Elle Blake believes that” Insecurity is a state of mind that causes the sufferer to feel useless, helpless and not good enough” (1). You are young and in love and sometimes it’s natural to have mixed emotions especially when you are in a long distance relationship for the first time. When we are in love we are unaware of what might trigger us by the challenging situations, trust issues and fear.
Having a long distance relationship can be very challenging. It may trigger mixed emotions on how you feel. Jessica Kraft and Jordan Elias believe, “Long-distance relationships are like all relationships in that, to be healthy, they require open communication and shared interests and values. Still, a long-distance romance tests your commitment to each other and your communication skills more than a typical romance. It’s tough to be apart. The physical aspects of love are vital. Human communication relies on many nonverbal cues. Even the most explosive romantic chemistry loses something when you can’t be in each other’s presence” (2). For example, maybe you could sacrifice a little more and try and see each other more than just on holidays. During the year there are many three day weekends that you could get together on.
Having trust in a relationship is number one in having a good relationship. Jessica and Jordan believes, “Long-distance relationships require either a foundation--a long period of time together to start out with--or a goal--an eventual plan to be together-in order to succeed”(2). As you acknowledge saying, “We are very close and been together for 2 years.” You have built a foundation with each other. Being in a relationship is being able to trust and be honest with each other. Your girlfriend has assured you that “you are the one for her, that she loves you, and that you are going to get married.” If you have always trusted her, why doubt her now?
Like mother always said, “If you go looking for something, you will find it.” According to www.relationshipjealousy.com,”Controlling relationships usually due to fear. The controlling individual is often reacting out of fear from their past relationships or events that have occurred within their lives. It’s not often based in reality” (1). You are having fear that your girlfriend is not being faithful. Logging into her Facebook messages without permission is not the way to go. You acted out of fear and that is totally understandable. This could be considered a control issue, but the way to handle it and not let it get out of control is to talk to your girlfriend about what is really wrong and express your concerns. Try to communicate a little more.
I don’t know how her parents feel but in the end, it’s who she chooses to love and she chose you. Here are some tips that may help you stop stressing over your situation. Try sharing the same cell phone plan this will stop your phone bill from being too high. Stop distractions of physical attraction to one another and take the time to learn more about each other. Just call to say I love you. You can also use your phone or computer for the video chat to see each other. You can pray for one another and tell the other you are doing the same. You can meet in alternate location when possible. This would keep the spunk in the relationship. Involve your partner in your social life. Introduce one another to your friends.
You both are still young and have your whole future of ahead of you. This relationship has a lot of growing to do and things are always not going to be easy. If you truly feel in your heart that she is the one for you, then you might want to continue keeping the communication open and be honest and trustworthy with each other. Give her a chance if she is telling you that you are the one for her be happy with that and keep moving forward. If you would like further information on ways to help you with your relationship here are some websites.
• Love Long Distance: http://connection.ebscohost.com/c/articles/19165498/take-new-approach-questioning
• How to Help People with Insecurity: http://www.ehow.com/how_8407300_people-insecurity.html
• Relationship Controlling: http://www.relationshipjealousy.com/relationship-controlling
...............................
A
male
reader, pumassanka +, writes (10 December 2012):
Every relationship is different because we all react different to certain situations. After being with someone for a long time people tend to be possessive with their partner. Being possessive with your partner might build trust issues. Freedom is really important in a relationship because it means trust. Cheating can destroy the whole relationship because there will be no trust and insecurity will come along. Cheating on someone is like having no respect for the person itself either for your partner. As today many couples have trust issues going on because of social networking such as facebook, twitter, etc. these are one of the main reasons why many relationships go trough break ups.
The problem is that you are insecure and you think the other guy is “better”. The causes are that you go to school really far and only see her on holydays. You seem really jealous for the reason that she is spending more time with the Indian guy than you. Going through her facebook messages means that you are insecure about yourself, which makes you to be possessive towards her. There were around 400 messages in other language, which made you think she was with the other guy. You get confused because the girl said “I’m the right one for her, that she loves me, and that we’re going to get married one day” which confused you even more because you don’t know what to do with her saying that. If she wouldn’t say that you would be sure that she likes the other guy.
It is a really hard situation; in my point of view I see that your not comfortable with her anymore, you should just let her go. It is hard but you should be realistic with yourself. Both of you should gather together and talk about your situation and clear things out. Now that you read the messages you have to be really honest and ask her for explanations of those messages. You should do it before getting seriously hurt. Love is an emotion which a person feels at some point of their life. Love is trust, care, liberty, and respect. Love could be forever but in most of the cases is temporary. You are too young and still have a long life to live; you are going to know more people especially girls. They say that there are more girls than guys in the world which is perfect for guys. No one has ever died from love so there are no excuses to be depressed for that.
The best you could do is talk to her and be really honest from both sides. That’s the only way your going to find the truth. If you are not secure or don’t trust her you should let her go. If you don’t trust her and decide to go back with her is going to be even worse, and the most important if you don’t know how to forgive do not get back with her because you might to be reproaching every single thing when you guys have an argument. Remember that every case is different and people have hundreds of opinions. He needs to make up his mind. The only person who is going to decide are you because you are the only one who knows how the situation really is. You have to make a decision where you are not going to regret it.
As a matter of fact all relationships are different in their own way. It is not easy to be in a relationship where theirs no trust from both sides. To be able to keep up with a relationship both persons need to be completely honest to each other, even if being realistic brings pain and sadness. It’s hard for someone to trust a person who he/ she hardly sees but it is possible. Both partners should understand each other and get along well so the relationship can function correctly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2012):
 You guys are young and far apart at 7 hours... STRIKE ONE (inability to see each other face to face on a regular basis)
you hacked into her facebook account STRIKE TWO (lack of trust)
You are different cultures and religions (STRIKE THREE in some cases)
You hold back on her and clearly don’t trust or believe her.
The one thing that you are being stupid about is that you say he’s better looking than you. That’s subjective and she may not think so. But that does not matter.
You are young you will be apart for 4 more years…. A lot can happen in that time and you can’t go around for the next 4 years worrying about it.
In this case I strongly suggest just being friends with her…. It will make you sad for a while but you will be better in the long run.
...............................
A
female
reader, noone00 +, writes (28 November 2012):
 Have you met her parents? if her parents don't approve of you and she has a good relationship with them then it probably wont work. you could ask her to stop talking to the guy out of respect and love for you. i think that if she really loves you and wants to marry you then she'll stop talking to him
...............................
|
