A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend a while (he still lives with his parents hes 36 and has never lived on his own , he can afford to but i think its because he cant cope) and I've started to notice a lot of things about him that has made me think he's hiding things. It's mainly how he deals with situations and lack of empathy, I thought he had a form of social anxiety but the more I get to know him the more I read and now I'm thinking he's got a mild form of aspergers . I think he's avoiding telling me incase I leave him , I wouldn't tho. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He's admitted he likes routine and lots of other stuff I know he's found social situations hard when we've been to a pub there was only 6 other people including 2 staff and he wanted to sit outside he seemed to look like he was going to explode with worry that he was inside the pub and the tone of his voice was like begging to get out of the situation. at the start he told me he liked me because I know what I want in life like I had a set structure. There's lots of other things to why I think he's got aspergers. He also let's his head drift he gets excited at what life can be like but then suddenly stops as tho he's frightened and panics because it's going to affect his normal routine. I know I have to be careful with how I go about things I could be totally wrong but I also could be right. If he does have this he either does know and chooses not to tell anyone incase it frightens anyone away or he doesn't know himself and either his parents didn't notice or understand things so never got him checked out. I don't want him thinking he can't have a relationship and has to end it just because of how he is. How can I go about asking or getting him to open up to me ? I've told him a few times no matter what he's always got me to talk to if there's any problems but he might feel he can't do that yet . If I can get him to open up then I can find out how we both cope having a relationship. I know I can't just come out with do you have aspergers, that's not how to deal with the situation. It could make it worse accusing him without full proof. Anyone have any advice please ? Thanks in advance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 January 2016):
 OP, you should leave him alone when he wants time out whether he has Asperger's or not. The same applies to anyone else.
It might be a good idea to act as though he does have it so reading that book that was suggested here would be a good idea.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): Im the op , I've been with him 4 months . We got chatting online . It took 5 months until he felt ready to meet me . I have done some research but I'd understand him better, talking to people with aspergers and how they Deal with relationships then try and fit in and help him without putting a label on him . So when he wants time out ill know to leave him until he's ready to talk again . Thanks to everyone for your advice.
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female
reader, ova-valentine  +, writes (24 January 2016):
 It doesn't matter if the way he acts doesn't affect your feelings for him. Just continue with your relationship and when the time comes he may tell you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): how long have you been with him? because I have Aspergers as well too, it gives me hope and inspiration on finding a girlfriend
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (24 January 2016):
 Before you decide to ask him about your suspicions, I'd suggest you research on Aspergers as well as the relationship issues it poses. One good book to look at is "Aspergers Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships", by Ashley Stanford.
Another suggestion is to ask the people with Aspergers this question so that you can hear their response. One good place is the Aspergers forums on Reddit. I'm sure there are other forums across the web where you could get the first hand answers by people who actually have this condition.
Also, I don't think that you should have any urgency at this because you say you want him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): Living with his parents has protected him from fully embracing an independent life. Have they been over protective? And perhaps they have indulged his insecurities so he has not had to deal with some issues. Gently does it I would say, just bring up the fact that he can seem anxious, unsettled, in general conversation. It may be that with time and patience he will more socially confident. Be reassuring and see were it takes you. This is probably going to be a journey, getting him to consider one day leaving his parents etc.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 January 2016):
My advice is to stop trying to get him to open up. As you say he either doesn't know, in which case there isn't anything for him to open up about, or he is and knows he is but doesn't want to discuss it.In either scenario you pushing him to open up will just stress him. If you're fine with it either way, then I suggest you leave it be. No one likes to be pushed to discuss things they don't want to discuss. It doesn't encourage them to open up but quite the opposite.Enjoy your time together and stop creating problems where one doesn't have to exist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): It depends on how long you've been with him. If it's a few months then maybe wait until he's ready to tell you. If it's been longer then you two should be comfortable enough with each other to discuss anything. So I would just ask.
Maybe casually after dinner or a movie. But don't say aspergers. Just say you notice sometimes he's a little anxious in certain situations and was wondering what it's all about. Real casual. Don't stare at him and make him feel interrogated. Hopefully he'll feel comfortable and tell you.
But it's possible he might not know why he behaves this way. So I wouldn't push the issue if he doesn't have a big reveal.
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