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*ris
writes: Question for BevYou responded to the question "What are the trouble signs of a potential abuser" I am in this situation. My boyfriend has many signs, and the sad thing is, that he believes this is perfectly normal for a man to be. He is very insecure, with our relationship, and has admitted it. He admits to his insecurities because of getting hurt badly in previous relationships.I have hurt him, but have never hurt him in the respect of another man like his past women, and that is his hugest hangup. My hurt was purely hiding stuff from him because of his jealous and possessive behavior and I fear him getting angry with me and then we fight for days. Between that and his past, I am paying the price.I do love him, and don't want to lose him, but I can't live like this either. Will it ever stop? Will he ever trust me? Can he change? Is there hope? Can we have a happy loving and trusting relationship?Is there a way to convince him that this isn't normal for a man to be to his woman? Please help me, I am scared, confused, and don’t know which way to turn anymore.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (30 June 2005):
 Another person also answered your earlier question and did so very well: "What do your friends think?"
Maybe it's time you got an outside opinion. Do your family or friends think that your boyfriend is too controlling? Has he tried to cut you off from them? Ask around. Just say that you and he have been having some difficulties lately and you want their opinions and want to know if they've ever worried about him. If they say that they have worried, then that's something very serious for you to consider.
Have you talked to anyone on the domestic violence phone numbers? Those counsellors are a positive godsend! They've been through it and they know all the resources that are available for women in your area. Even if it turns out that your guy is just ultra-possessive (still not good, in my book, but better than abusive), it's handy to know that people are out there to help you.
As to whether he can change, there are too many variables to predict that. He might be willing to go to couples' counselling if you ask, but then some abusers will just tell lies to the counsellor, to make it sound like there's no problem. Look back on your history together and make your judgement as to whether he would be likely to make a sincere effort to compromise on the controlling behaviour.
He tells you that he's "been hurt" by past relationships, but that sounds like rationalising to me. (Yes, I'm suspicious.) Unless you know his ex-gfs personally and know what their relationships were like, you have to assume that he's always been this way. Besides, hasn't he worked out that you're not one of his exes?
The fact that you indicate that he believes that all guys are like this worries me. It suggests that he doesn't think he's wrong, or that it's a characteristic he might need to change. (Unfortunately there are loads of desperate women out there who would see that trait as endearing in guys like him and could end up victims of violence.) If he doesn't think it's wrong, he won't be willing to negotiate a change, and you have to decide if you want to live like that forever... or to have the possessiveness cranked up a notch any time he feels a little insecure.
I couldn't do it.
My suggestions are these: First, give him a chance to explain his behaviours. Tell him that you're your own person, not an extension of his past girlfriends. You're not out to hurt him and you won't cheat on him. If he can't accept that, he's already showing his true colours.
Next, tell him that - because you ARE a unique person, who is honest with him - you won't accept his claim that he has a right to give you the third degree every time you go out. No Inquisition will be tolerated. He either trusts you, or he doesn't.
Next, PROMISE that you'll speak to the freecall domestic violence people. Do it on your lunch break at work. Remember, you're not dobbing him in to anyone (you'd only do that if you were genuinely frightened, and you'd be ringing the cops); you're simply getting some advice from people who know what they're talking about.
Finally, if he really does something to scare you, recognise immediately that no amount of your 'love' for him is going to protect you. Ring the police. Tell them that your boyfriend is threatening you and you would like their assistance. (They do this all the time - it's part of their job - and they want to prevent you being hurt.)
I know it's hard to get started, because you don't want to admit that you're in the middle of a problem, but taking some small steps will make you feel like you're taking control of your life again.
Good luck, dear! I'm here to prove that you can get through this.
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