A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I normally have a great sex life. We would have sex maybe 2-3 times a day when we first met, and although nothing too kinky, it was adventurous.When we moved in together it slowed down, and he almost stopped wanting it as often or as fun.I thought he was going off me, but he said it wasn't the case and just the fact that we were living together took some of the fun out of it. Before we got our place, I lived with my mum and he lived with his mates, so I kind of understood what he meant. It got a bit better after the first few months and then we starting having fun again. It still wasn't as often though. Anyway, recently I found a text message on his phone, ( yes, I shouldn't have looked, but I did. ). It was a text from a girl who I hadn't met, but he worked with. It said thanks for the lift last night and a winking face. The night before he had meant to have been on a lads night out, so I asked him why he was with her. He said he had met up with some other people and he shared a taxi with her, then walked her back from his mates house to her house. I let it go, then a few more days later, I found a text from her again, (Yes, I snooped!) and it read, I bet your ball and chain never does that. Clearly meaning me, I didn't say anything to him because again he had been out with his mates, so it was probably something to do with that.Then I got thinking, he started mentioning this girl a few weeks after we moved into our flat and the sex just halted. He never mentioned her by name, just a girl who had started at his workplace and she was going to a football match with them. I never thought anything of it until then. I asked a few friends what they would think, and they said I should just ask him out right. I know it was wrong for me to snoop and I got my fingers burnt but when you go from 2-3 a day, to maybe 2-3 a week if you're lucky, it does make you wondering what is going on. I may be over reacting but I think he might he seeing this other girl, and I don't know what to ask him. There has been other messages from her, almost as many as from me but I didn't read them all as only a few stood out.We have lived together for 8 months, and have been together for 15 months. I'm 23, and he is 24.
View related questions:
moved in, sex life, text, workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): I usually give advice to people whom i can relate with their problems or confusions.
Lets just say this is one of the situation where i also did experience the same thing you went through.
If its the same girl who keeps texting him, i hate to say this but yeah she means something to her. Another sign i am positive that they have a thing with each other was the sex part.
If he lose interest to have sex with you, its because....he must have fancy the other girl or they already had sex.
Why i said that? Same thing happened to me. I was with my ex for 7 years almost 8. Of course there would be changes when it comes to the sex part.
If you stayed that long together.
But he comes home early. Sweet still do things for me. Until one day he have to leave the country for a seminar with one of his boss.
It turns out the boss is a lady. One week after the seminar.all of a sudden his lady boss keeps texting him.
Like where are you? Lets take our lunch together. I also snoop like you.
The last straw was... my personal holiday came and she called i pretended to be him. She said pls come and pick me at work.
I dont think if she doesnt know that its not my ex. She did it on purpose to talk to me and let me know that my ex and him have something.
He caught me speaking to her.
He explained and explained. But i was too tired to listen n his pathetic excuses wont work anymore.
I packed my things the next day.
Did not bother to talk to him. I could forgive anything. But womanizing.
Its so disrespectful.
I met her accidentally somewhere. I cant help but laugh becoz she maybe a boss but... sorry lets just say her looks can pass as my nanny.
Two months after my ex begged me to take him back. Although i still love him but i can never forget what he have done.
I cant be with him anymore. I am telling you my story because i see myself in your situation. Its so similar.
Good thing you still have more time to think and decide. Dont waste time but before you do anything make sure you ate prepared.
Dont let your emotions get the best of you. Most of my ex cant say anything bad to me because i make sure of a graceful exit.
How? Again dont let your emotions get the best of you. If you will ask me if they have an affair? Honest answer.. yes.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (26 August 2014):
 I agree with most of the comments but before you conform the BF, I would start to go to the games and you need to observe "the chemistry". Your BF will deny the messages mean anything and secondly since its not concrete proof you will come out worst for wear. I suspect the BF is talking about you to this girl and will mention your snooping and she will ride it for what its worth. In other words cause more damage to you as a person. Time to wise up and be smart.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): Are you sure he is actually going out to see his mates and not just seeing this girl?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2014): Although your evidence was ill-gotten, and you're a very naughty girl for snooping; you've found adequate reason for a serious talk with your guy.
I hope you are practicing safe-sex and using condoms. If sex has significantly declined in frequency and you've found winky emoticons on text messages from a girl you've never met; it's hard to let all that slide. I thinks it's reasonable to believe he's up to no good.
How do you confront him? Calmly and to the point. Don't scream or lose your cool. He'll just flip things around to your snooping on his phone. Suggest firmly he not try to change the subject or twist things; because you can always just go with what you think you know, and consider him a cheat. One subject at a time. Got something to say about snooping fine; but you get the floor first. Give him your phone and say have at it. Find another guy on it. (Please be sure there isn't!)
I take a pause ladies and gents to inform you that when you seek evidence against your lover, snooping on phones and through personal records is in violation of their rights to privacy. When you use message history on social media as your means of gathering evidence, you may misinterpret messages and the intentions behind words on a screen. It will be thrown back in your face, and they will now feel they have the right to go through your things as well. They should have nothing to hide, so nor should you.
Any guy with half of a brain and has a girlfriend (or boyfriend), knows sooner or later they will see his messages. He may think he can explain them off with a reasonable and well-contrived story. However; your guy hasn't been up to par in the bedroom. Whatsup with that?!
Lots of "splaining" to do there. It should naturally taper-off, not sputter-out. The change is too drastic.
He has betrayed your trust and now he is busted. So you have no other choice but to present your cell-phone evidence (circumstantial though it may be) to backup your suspicions. He probably already knows you snooped, and I doubt this is the first time, by the way. So he probably already has a well-prepared defense. Just stay calm and direct. If you go-off, you'll give him an excuse to takeoff.
You really only have suspicious text messages. You have no proof they've had sex. He gave her a lift, walked her to her house, and maybe you won't do a lot of things.
"Things" does not have to be something sexual. Maybe paint his toenails, or tease his hair. I wouldn't appreciate being called a "ball and chain!" So girlfriend has a lot of nerve! She's treading on dangerous territory with the name-calling, which doesn't work well in her favor.
Although she thinks she's just one of the fellas, she's not. She has a vagina, and she's crossing the line.
You have only circumstantial evidence that warrants inquiry and investigation; not solid evidence to prove anything.
Open your conversation by asking if he feels like you're a ball and chain? Is sex adventurous enough, and if he has any ideas he'd like to try out, or may have decided to attempt away from home? You just want to get things out in the air. You don't know if he has cheated, but I think a lot of the lady aunts are going to say he most certainly has. I just think you should be direct. Let him know there is enough that you do know; that has broken your trust, and may even make you consider options you were never hoping you would have to make.
It's up to you if you want to know if he actually had sex.
I will not advise you to do more than I have. Just make sure you are using condoms from now on; and get tested if you haven't in the pass.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 August 2014):
 Honeypie nailed it! How did your boyfriend react when she called you by a derogatory name? And I'll take it a step further-how and where did she get the audacity and the guts to speak about you in that way with him in the first place? Unless your B/f has spoken about you in a way that demeans you and mocks you, she can never have the courage to say that first.
I agree she's up to no good and neither is your boyfriend. I think he's loving the fact that this girl flatters his ego. She puts you down to make herself look good.
To put it in a nutshell, she's playing to the gallery.
I think you need to tell your boyfriend that you know what he's up to and you deserve to know what on earth is going on. Look what he says. If he defends her then you know that he's as good as having an affair with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (26 August 2014):
 I don't think there is enough evidence to suggest that he's having an affair. It all sounds like friendly banter with maybe a bit of flirting, but it could all be harmless. 2-3 times a day is A LOT of sex. Nobody can really keep up with that for an extended period of time. I think 2-3 times a week is average, especially if there are tough schedules and more responsibilities to contend with.
I think you should have an open and honest talk with him about your concerns, and maybe ask if you can meet this girl. I think meeting her will either put your fears to rest or make you more aware of what's going on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 August 2014):
 Well I see a couple of problems here.
You snooped because your gut told you something was up. Which is why most people snoop and I won't go into a long moral tirade about your BF's privacy, because you do seem to know that snooping is NOT a good thing.
What I'm wondering is, DID you only read HER texts or did you read his replies? Because HER you don't know, you know HIM. Get my point?
If she calls YOU his "ball and chain" which is a kind of derogatory name for wife - how did he react? Did he ignore it or talk smack about you? See my point?
I don't agree that living together means sex will dwindle. In my experience it never has. Because all of a sudden you have privacy and the WHOLE house(apartment/flat) to try thing in.... Though 2-3 times a day WILL dwindle, I just don't think all the way down to 2-3 time a week.
Why not sit him down and be honest? Tell him, I want to apologize ahead of time, but I snooped on your phone and I'm trying to figure out what's going on with this girl at your work. Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed and YOU had a "work-friend" like HER (just being a guy).
I find it a little odd that she goes to football games and met up with him when he is out with mates.
Now does it mean your BF is cheating? Perhaps not, but I DO think the girl is up to no good. When a girl calls a guy's GF names (ball and chain) she is putting you down to make herself look better. She has never even met you. So yea, she is up to no good. The fact that your BF didn't "defend" you when she called you that, makes me think he is OK with it, and he shouldn't. I think.... YOUR BF is soaking up all the attention this girl is giving him. He KNOWS she is interested and he is stringing her along. Maybe he really ISN'T that interested in her, BUT she provides him with EGO strokes and he is lapping that up.
...............................
|
