A
female
age
41-50,
*ravelgirl
writes:We have only been married for 50 days (before that we dated for three years)and I am already feeling trapped in this marriage. Over the holidays, I found out my brand new husband has been carrying on a phone/email/text message "friendship" with his ex of six years, that broke his heart, since the middle of last year, which was at least half of our engagement. He even flew up to New York and took her to an expensive dinner and to have drinks on a Friday night while he was supposed to be with his guy friends doing a bachelor party weekend. She sends him messages telling him she misses him and finishes them with and XOXOXO. He told me he was "curious" and needed closure with her. I don't know the whole story about what happened when he flew up to see her and I don't want to know, all I know is that I no longer trust him and don't think I ever will. Since getting caught he drank too much one night and said really horrible things to me, such as that I was "dramatic" and "insecure" and "Crazy". I don't want to get divorced, but I don't trust him and am afraid I made a major mistake marrying him...can someone give me some advice?? Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): Hi honey. I am so sorry this has happened to you. My heart goes out to you. I'll be honest though, and I am not trying to be callous only realistic, but I think you should dump him. What he did is really unacceptable. If you stay with him he is just going to think he can walk all over you which he pretty much is already doing. Furthermore, you deserve to be respected hun. You are a fabulous woman with a huge heart. I am sure you have alot to offer and respect should come easily to any guy who wants to be with you. A guy who really loves you is incapable of hurting you because he can't stand the thought of losing you or making you cry. This guy obviously is not too concerned about hurting you or losing you and losing the trust you had for him. He crossed the line. "Curiosity" is unacceptable. That's plain disrespectful and any man would agree. He has taken you for granted. And the fact that he would do something wrong like that and turn around and say that you are the one to blame because you are "jealous" and "crazy"? He has no class. And this is all going to come back around to him. I PROMISE you that it will. I have no doubt in my mind.
As for you, I think you should tell him to get out of your sight and try to clear your head and grieve by yourself the betrayal that you have endured. But you must have dignity right now. Just end things and be by yourself. Maybe he will come crying back, but I think you should be STRONG and be a BITCH. Men are something. But not all men are bad. There are good men out there. He is definitely not a keeper. Maybe in the future you will realise how lucky you are to let him go. I know it feels like the end of the world and time wasted. But maybe there is good to come out of all this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): I tend to agree with Laura1318. Everyone does makes mistakes. Relationships are hard and you need to work on things all the time. You need to have an open dialog with your new husband and tell him how you feel. Trust me this won't be the last time he makes a mistake or you make a mistake. What is imporant is that you two and trust each and love other enough to have the conversation and work through it. I suggest you get the full story even though you think you don't want to know. I bet it's more innocent then you think. You married this guy for a reason and you owe it to yourself and him to try to make things work. I bet in five years you will laugh about this and think how silly it was to blow it out of proportion. Just to emphasize this again you need to learn how to communicate with each other or you are both in for a long rocky road together. I remember from precana class (Catholic pre-martial class you have to take to get married in the Catholic Church) that they talked about "fighting fair." It was probably the best and maybe only lesson we learned from this class. The basics is you will fight but you must learn how to fight without going for the jugular. Instead of saying you did this, you did that... say when you hid the fact you were seeing your ex it made me feel like this. You also need to rely on each other in tough times, don't hid from the confrontation address it to each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): Well, it sounds like he screwed up, but it also sounds like you need to hear the whole story. From your post, you admit that you don't know what happened, and I can easily see how your imagination can run wild. Again, I'm not saying that he didn't screw up, he certainly did! But, he might have just done a "dumb guy" move, and you both need to sit down, address it, resolve it, and move on.
I had something similar happen when I was dating my now husband. An ex girlfriend who I know wanted him back somehow had the nerve to ask him to help her remove the A/C unit from her apartment when the weather changed. Ironically, the A/C slipped from his hands and fell out the window, and then she expected him to pay for it! (Obviously, he did not, and that ended her ridiculous pursuit once and for all.)
So, he tells me this story, b/c of the comical thing that happened w/the A/C unit, and it never occurs to him that maybe I'd be pissed at him for seeing his ex! I can always tell from his eyes if he's lying, so we had a chat about this transgression, and it was clear that nothing more had happened. To this day I still don't know WHY he thought it was acceptable to go there, but I shrug it off to the fact that sometimes people don't think before they do stupid things. We have been married for 6 years now, and been together for almost 12 years, and he is just a wonderful person, my soul mate. Of course, if I had just written him off after that issue, I wouldn't be able to say that now.
Anyway, I just figured that might give you a little insight. It's very easy for anyone online to simply say "get out", but you have known him for three years, you married him and made a commitment to him. You need to hear his side of the story, hash it out with him, make sure he understands that he needs to rebuild trust with you and never do this again, and then move on and build your life together. Oh, and the little twit who still sends XOXO messages needs to be put in her place too, although I suspect she probably gets a little thrill in pissing you off...
Good Luck to you, and I hope you can work through this and establish the wonderful marriage you dreamed of when you walked down the aisle a few months ago!
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A
female
reader, Travelgirl +, writes (9 January 2008):
Travelgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone for taking the time to write answers to my issue. They were great and right to the point, just what I need. Please feel free to stay in touch with me. Thank you again, great job!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): So you made one mistake,Well, Here's a way to make another B-Mistake,just keep taking his S**t. That will be the bigest mistake that you'll ever make,"DUMP HIM NOW"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): If you have read my answers in the past then you would realise that i HATE exs with a passion. Then dont want the other person until they are with someone else and they then decide that they want them back. Often when they get them back they dont really want them after all.
You need to get this thing sorted out for once and for all. Tell him this bloody nonsense with his ex has to stop or you are walking! Tell him that you are not crazy and all those things that seem to pop out of a blokes mouth when the going gets a bit tough. Let him know exactly how you feel. He is your husband not hers. Let him have it with all barrels firing. You only get one chance at life (that we know) so dont put up with this crap, and if it persists and you dont like it then get out and make a new start for yourself. You have only been married for a short time, dont look back over years wasted and wished you had got out. Please, for my sake, sort this out now.
take care and keep in touch.
xx
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 Hi,
If I did this to my wife I wouldn't expect my keys to fit in the door when I got back home. My stuff would be lying in the garden in tiny little pieces .
I hate to advise anyone to split up, but unless he can show genuine remorse for what he did and give you an absolute promise to never do this again I don't really see how you can live with this. You have just gotten married for crying out loud, you should be engaging in wild nights of newly wedded lust not getting into arguments about his ex and his liason with her.
If he needed closure what the hell was he doing getting married? Good grief, I feel so sorry for you.
Unless he promises to never call or text her again I don't think you have any option but to seek an annulment. As he had betrayed your trust you have every right to demand he never communicates with her, she is obviously playing some sort of game here ( she must have known he was getting married )and is trying to ruin your relationship.
You sound like an intelligent independent woman, you don't deserve it - let him try and play his pathetic little games with someone else.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 Everyone make mistakes and no one is perfect. You can either forgive him and move on if you think a divorce is out of question.If he is willing to change , you should give him another chance.
What has happened cannot be undone.Let time heal your hurts and pain.
What he said when drunk should not be taken seriously. He is no more rational.Don't take it to heart.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 I think that this is entirely up to yu and how you feel about him after you have found out about this. It's probably still possible to get your marriage annulled instead of getting a divorce, but that would have to be your call. If you wait much longer, you will probably have to get a divorce instead. You could try marriage counseling. BUT, I have to say, his being defensive after being such a liar about everything to his new bride? Yeah, that's pretty bad. I'd say that most people have to work very hard to regain trust after someone cheated in a long relationship, but your marriage barely got off the ground. If you don't feel that it's possible to regain that trust, you should go with your gut instinct. I hope that you don't mind my speaking my mind about this, but you did probably want a variety of honest opinions. I'm sorry for all that you are going through, Dear. Best of luck with your decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): Get out now it will only get worse
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