A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidIt's embarrassing to even say it but i completely suck when it comes to sex, I can't do anything. Had two long relationship, one with ex bf who didn't care much and we hardly had any and everytime I just lie down and he will do his job and go. Next with my ex husband who is really bad in that dept, so we really had much.Now I'm dating a nice sexy guy, I like him though I'm sure he is not the one but would like to have sex with him, went for 3 dates and he is hinting v strongly that he would like to make love to me, but I'm so bad at it, scared that he won't like it. I can talk, flirt and even do dirty talk but when it comes to really doing, it's like I'm clumsy, don't know what to say or do and self conscious....Thinking about going for sex therapist, or sex couch. Will it work? Is it worth. Please please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2015): I think you're worrying too much. You can say to yourself that you haven't had good partners and thus haven't learned much about sex. As long as you have an open mind and try to enjoy sex you will probably be fine.
BTW since you mention some of the sex you had was painful-- be sure to communicate with your partner during sex! Your partner can't read your mind. If something doesn't feel good, speak up and ask him to do something else, etc.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, it's OP. To answer question of "Been there now over it", I am not good in sex, because I hardly did it and never did anything other than just lying down. I have serious concern about how I look during sex, hardly do anything and both of my partners didn't excite me much. Ex bf, loved him but not able to enjoy, too much pain most of the time and ex husband, had trouble performing, so it much fun there :-(
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 December 2015):
No sex therapist can make you sexy or great in bed. They can give you suggestions yes...but it's still up to you and your mind to be good in bed. Being sexy comes from the mind, and if you are feeling sexy and into the guy, it will come out as things go on. If your are uncertain of the guy and where things are going, your mind and body may not respond the way you would like it to.
Take a good look at the guy. Imagine what you would like to do to him...now think of how you want to do it. Don't just think "I want to have sex with him" Hell, anyone can think I want to have sex....but when you plan out the very small details of what you are going to do when you perform oral sex for instance...How are you going to do it? What are you going to do with your lips, your tongue, your hands, and so on...Sex takes on a different meaning. The difference between having sex and being sexy...is in the mind...not the body.
Ever baked a cake?? Is a cake made with just flour?? No...it takes other ingredients...but not just that...there is a certain way to mix them...and those ways are process in your mind.This first, that 2nd, then add that...and so on. Same thing with good sex and bad sex. Good sex is planned in the mind before your start baking :) Bad sex is throwing everything in the bowl, humping away, and hoping for the best...or a cake :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): you are giving the impression that you are hot property in bed with flirty sexy talk and innuendo but you are fearful that this is not a true portrayal of you.I wonder why you are amping it up when you havent spent a lot of time getting to know this persson at all but have infact been busy giving out the wrong impression.what if he decides that you are clearly gagging for it and decides that you are so hyped up for it that you want to give him a blow job as soon as he turns the ignition on in the car?Why do you want to portray yourself as so sexually hyped unless you have pretty woman syndrome?They would probably tell you in sex therapy to actually get towards liking the person you are considering having sex with...you need to have a pleasant attraction.Do you enjoy their visual cues?do you enjoy the warmth of their touch?Do you actually feel attracted to them?all of that is useful for lust but lust is not initiated on a basis of fear or misgiving or caution.you dont need to be good in bed or good at sex.you need to enjoy the persons company to the extent that you want to develop a relationship.If you are offering yourself out as a quick bunk up or shag bag why do you think you need to be good at sex?You only need to be an available oriffice for that.You will probably be thanked and dumped in lieu of a cash exchange.What you want is to develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of the person you are planning on spending time with.But i think this relationship is not quite on the right footing or you wouldnt be wanting to rush to the sex therapist.Your partner should make you feel good enough so that you enjoy sex or there really is very little point in you participating in the action or allowing them to see you in all your glory.You have already sold yourself short a couple of times so perhaps you are checking things out to see if he is goood in bed.My advice would be to slow down and dont feel sex is compulsary after the third date.Its all been a bit of an act up to now so dont rush to fulfill his or your expectations.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 December 2015):
 Take tango lessons instead. It will be much more helpful for you than therapy.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2015):
 Will it work, is it worth it ?... Probably not for this specific instance of this guy who's ready to have sex , like, today. I know barely anything about sex therapists or sex coachs, but I can imagine that , as with any kind of therapy dealing with psychological / emotional issues, there's no silver bullet or miracle cure, it's an ongoing work. Even " short term " therapy generally involves 15-20 sessions ( as opposed to years and years ) .
It ìs not like going to the dentist to extract a bad tooth, voila, after two hours you are as good as new.
If you can exclude that your sexual blocks are due to a physical issue ( vaginism etc. ), and feel that they may be related to other deeper stuff, - a sexuophobic upbringing, a poor self esteem or self image, past sexual or emotional abuse, etc.etc.- , sure ,it could be helpful to explore these issues and try to figure out the root of your difficulties with a therapist ( not necessarily a sex therapist ). But frankly I doubt that you can find anybody who will turn you into some unhinibited sex machine in a couple of sessions .
Of course, there's always the old fashioned way... I think that anybody can become " good " at sex with the right partner, someone who puts in the time, the patience, the effort to " work " with you, to reassure you, to find out your own unique erotic triggers, to make you feel special in and out of bed... But that's a job for a lover, in the sense of someone who loves you and wants to "invest" on you as a partner. Maybe someone who is more likely a casual partner or short term r/ship , will not have all this patience and sensitivity.
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reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (16 December 2015):
You don't give us the reason(s) you believe you are poor at sex. It would help if you could inform us about that.If it's because you've watched porn where the performers are going crazy over each other, be aware that is not the type of sex most people prefer. That is almost always just brutal sex that has nothing to do with love-making.I like that fact that you are flirty and can do some dirty talk. It might help to carry this into sex. You suggest that your "just lie down" and your partner does his job. Some things you can do that don't take much skill are 1) dress up in sexy lingerie, 2) keep your hands on him, and 3) maintain eye contact as it shows you are interested in him. The next step to ease into may be good kissing. Let your partner lead you in this and show you what he likes. You don't need to swallow his tongue or stick yours down his throat. Tell him what feels good to you and ask him what feels good to him. Tell him you want to experiment with different positions.Be responsive to what he does to you. Guys often get turned on by just hearing the build-up in your breathing. Going another step, it's great if you orgasm and let yourself go (making some noise) when you do it.Part of the problem here could be that you've been partners who haven't communicated with you. Perhaps they are enjoying themselves but are too self-absorbed in having sex and don't let you know how good you are.I don't know much about sex coaches. There are some good videos out there that are instructional and not what one would classify as porn. A good place to find these is the Sinclair Institute (www.sinclairinstitute.com). Again, it would help if you drop back and let us know more about why you think you aren't good at sex. There are a lot of talented aunts and uncles on this site.
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