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age
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*onfusedKate
writes:I met a guy about 6 months ago. I'm 23 and I work as a bartender while going to school. He is a lot older then me (he's 38). He came into the bar I work one night with some friends and we ended up chatting. He came in the following night and asked for my number. We ended up going on a couple of dates and we actually hit it off. we kept our dates casual and just got to know each other. It wasnt until after things got serious that I found out that he is very well off. I had already totally fallen for him so I didnt date him for his money or anything like that.I live on my own, paying my way through school. I moved out from my parents the day I graduated high school. My father was extremely abusive and I left and have not had any contact with my parents since. Last January my brother was 16 at the time showed up at my appartment. He tried to protect my mother during a fight with my dad and got beaten very badly. He ended up moving in with me. He works part time while he Goes to high school. Money wise we struggle a lot and I feel bad that he can't do things the rest of his friends are doing My bf didn't know any of this until last week he came home from a business trip early to surprise me and caught me in my kitchen in tears while I was trying to figure out how I was going pay for my brothers graduation fees and rent. I explained everything to him and he felt horrible that I hadn't told him.Yesterday my brother called me to come hom straight after class and when I did my bf was there . He had bought a Christmas tree , decorations, groceries and a living room full of presents for my brother and I. He handed me receipt where he went to my brothers school and paid the balance for his grad fee, ring and pictures. My brother was so excited that he was getting his grad things. And then when it was just the two of us he tried to give me a Cheque for $5000. I didn't know what to say. I refused to take it. This morning I woke up and there was a note on my dresser saying how he wanted to help me and I shouldn't turn down his offer. with the cheque still there . I am kinda angry that he did everything . I don't feel like I can accept everything but how do I get him to see my point .His friends already think I'm a gold digger and this just makes me feel like one when I'm not.What do I do
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (20 December 2015):
I've been in similar situations with b/f's giving me expensive gifts, money etc. I'm independent and have always been. I grew up penniless and that taught me not to be materialistic. I don't mind people giving me gifts...as long as they're not expensive or actual large sums of money. But in relationships, some partners can be very generous even going overboard with gifts. That is when you have to draw a line. In your case, your brother is thrilled he's got his graduation sorted out and x.mas too. So let him enjoy that. See it as your b/f giving your brother this wonderful, kind gift, not you. I wouldn't accept the cheque though as that seems to me to be too much. I'm sure he means well but if it makes you uncomfortable, thank him but return the cheque. But explain to him why and how you're feeling. He needs to know so he gets it.Years ago I had a b/f who earned more money than me and loved buying me expensive gifts. When I returned them and told him why, he was offended. "I enjoy buying you gifts and looking after you" he said "what's the point of working hard and having a beautiful g/f I can't spoil?" This is how he saw it. I realised then I had to come to a compromise because buying me gifts seemed to make HIM happy.So...I suggested that anytime I saw something I liked online or in a shop, I'd tell him and he could buy it for me. He liked this compromise. E.g When I saw a jacket I liked even though it cost very little, I still couldn't afford it, I asked him to buy it for me. And he did. So compromise was reached.But talk to your b/f. And maybe try and compromise too. But I can see why this episode has bothered you. And if your friends think you're a golddigger, How wrong are they?
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reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (19 December 2015):
The Christmas tree and groceries were a very nice gesture but, as you say, the $5,000 check is a bit much considering that you still seem to be in the early stage of your relationship.
A gift this size can make you feel uncomfortably indebted as well as change his expectations of you. Money can be a real monkey wrench when it comes to relationships and gifts. You've done the right thing by turning down his check.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2015): well this bit of info from his friends could be jealousy but it might be worth finding out what happened to his previous girlfriends.
At thirty eight he more or less knows what kind of person he is and if he is such a generous and kind person I am automatically wondering why their is no ex wife.
I would continue cautiously and I would probably want to know a lot more about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): Don't worry about his friend's, you know what's in your heart; and your intentions are none of their business.
He's a successful man, and by no means a fool.
You're dating him, not his friends. They're jealous, and snobs tend to belittle people for no reason. This is a good experience for you. You'll learn to deal with their types, and the situations they may present. You can walk with your head held high; no matter where you go, and who you're with.
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reader, ConfusedKate +, writes (17 December 2015):
ConfusedKate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you female reader, I am actually taking a bachelor of science (I'm in my final year) and I applied to pharmacy.
I agree we are still getting to know each other. He isn't married , I have been to his house , I've met a few of his friends. He works for a very large investment firm. He does have a thing for dating younger girls or so his friends say. A couple of them weren't so nice and that's why I chose to take it very slow in the beginning because I thought he was just like them but the more time we spend together the more I see that he is s pretty sweet guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): well confused kate i think you did the correct thing and you deserve our respect and admiration.I understand now that you feel that by accepting the cheque you would be under some obligation and in some way you would lose some of the independance that you have worked so hard to achieve.Life is tough but you are rising to the challenges.I dont think it would matter if you took a gap year off uni because you seem sound enough to want to complete your degree.It is very difficult for people not facing desparate poverty to understand the complex decisions that you have to make but i am sure you will manage to respectably keep your heads above water.It occurred to me that although you like this guy ,you dont really know enough about him.for example ..what if he was the wealthy manager of a brothel..then that would be bad money.Or an arms dealer or any other sort of unethical trader.But now that you refused it i think you can safely stop worrying about that.But where does this guy live and does he have a secret wife tucked away.I was thinking that in your gap year you could go into retail as the large stores loove graduates with relevant experience and if you get on a manangement training programme after your degree your salary can escalate extremely quickly with your experience.but they like to see shop floor experience and a working knowledge of current retail practice.However as I have no idea what your ambitions are I may be way off course.Perhaps you are training as a nurse.I just think it might be nice for you to leave the bar scene for a while as people tend to assume they can take liberties and i would hate to hear that your safety was compromised in any way ,but as you clearly have a wise head on young shoulders i should imagine that concern is illfounded.Im
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reader, ConfusedKate +, writes (17 December 2015):
ConfusedKate is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry if I came off rude in my response. I didn't mean to be. I don't feel like I'm entitled to things but it doesn't get any less frustrating when you work your butt off and it feels like your getting no whereI didn't take the cheque , I have it back to him. I explained my reasons and he didn't want to listen and ask me to take it by again i refused. He said he only wanted to help me because he cared and didn't want to see me stressing about something he could easily fix . But I can take it. As much as $5000 would help I can't do it.I do believe he only meant well, I don't think he had any other reason other then that he is nice guy with a big heart. I talked to my brother and explained to him how thankful he should be that my bf did what he did for us and he is very thankful for it. He's a good kid and he doesn't except things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2015): I am sorry. I am almost in the same situation as yourself. I am independent too but I admire you attitude. What if he's in your life to make things easier? From what I see, it seems to me you do not trust him enough to take money from him. Are you. Scared he would use that against you sometime later. If it were me, I would definately feel uncomfortable but I think I would take it given my current situation. If I didn't have a brother, I probably wouldn't be too bothered about myself and I would nicely refuse and tell him how uncomfortable I feel. But as long as a human life or something living(an animal) is involved and I am probably in charge of its care nurture and all, I would take it my dear. Not everyone is that generous. I have dished out large amount of money to people too without expecting anything in return. He's is your bf ma'am not some random dude. But I admire your stance on this. I know my words is probably not in line with everyone commenting on this post. If I were in your shoes, I would take it and I am being honest.Not everyone gives a care how you live and feed in this life. Go to some poverty stricken areas with people who would worship you for 50 dollars just to feed. I wish you all the best and I am not trying to change your mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): Proud Canadian girl/young woman....My bad!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): Sweetheart, you are a hard-working proud American girl; and should not be embarrassed about your financial situation.
You should be embarrassed if you skipped an education, had no ambition, kids at 16, and left your poor younger brother to fend for himself. You are the kind of young person who should never feel ashamed; because so many go the wrong way. Ending up in prison, on drugs, alcoholic, or unable to take care of themselves due to mental trauma from their abuse.
You saved your younger brother, and I'm sorry I didn't give you more credit in my first post. I foresee the best for you. Your post was written, because you are a conscientious person; and you just didn't feel right about taking the money/charity in spite of your financial-hardship.
Please...don't feel embarrassed, he is more impressed and moved by the person you are. It moved him to help, but I think the things he did for your brother and the gifts are enough. Give it more time to learn more about his nature, and the true feelings behind such grand gestures of generosity.
Happy Holidays, and my best to you and your younger brother, my dear! God bless you both!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): Only you can judge your boyfriends character. Will he want to hold these gifts over you as some sort of power, only you will have a gut feeling on that.I'm going to assume actually he is a nice, caring guy who couldn't believe he hadn't realised how tough you had it and wanted to do a good deed. Don't get annoyed because he wanted to help you. Accept what he's done for Xmas for you guys and paying for your bros graduation, but sit down and explain to him you simply can't take cash from anyone because it's just not who you are. Until you know him much better, I wouldn't accept cash. If he wants to buy you guys groceries every now and again or cover the cost of things then that's his choice and is perhaps a way he considers as showing he cares.Thank him for what he has done, but don't treat him like some hero for doing it. Look at it like he is trying to acknowledge all the hard work you do, by making your life a bit easier. You're doing great and will make things work out.Don't take a year out, you WILL find a way to complete your own studies and get by - taking a year out could be a slippery slope to not going back...your brother is doing well taking on a job and responsibility for bringing money to the house and I am sure he will continue to step up and do that. You are setting a fantastic example to him, keep up the amazing work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): I would accept the gifts graciously but not the cheque as it is a bit much. Tell him you are grateful but want to earn it yourself.
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reader, ConfusedKate +, writes (16 December 2015):
ConfusedKate is verified as being by the original poster of the question I'm Not saying that my brother has to have things but he is 17, he works part time and helps pay the bills. At 17 he has seen a lot, he left an abusive home, one that I know first hand that can get nasty. At home he had the things he wanted, my parents bought our love and forgiveness with "things", he played hockey, had an Xbox , didn't worry about material things. He feared for his life , his mothers life and left those things behind so he could be safe !!! Yes, he deserve a grad ring and pictures. No his life won't end if he doesn't have them but he has worked hard for these things and I want him to have them. I didn't take the cheque , I didn't ask for his money. In reality I was hoping he would never find out about my situation ! I was embarrassed I am embarrassed. Working and with student loans I still don't have enough money to pay our bills . My landlord is kind enough to left us pay our rent later then normal. We don't have TV, my phone is disconnected. I'm up against taking a year off school and working just so I can help my brother get money for university! So don't think I feel like we deserve handouts !
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): isnt it wonderful that you have accomplished so much alone and then when you were finally exhausted with the effort someone arrived on the scene to help you out.I think it was a rather nice guesture personally.I dont think it is too extravagant at all.If i were financially loaded i could imagine it being exactly what i would like to do...except i am not.so although i know that wise owl has cautioned you against it, i personally cant see why its so wrong unless i read the full context of wise owls reply.Money can be damned handy sometimes.It doesnt necessarily mean its for services rendered.It could make you feel indebted to this person but in a way you already are on account of the graduation gifts.Is this person an angel or a demon?An angel would want to smooth your path just for now,to banish your temporary worries and give you a little time of less stress.A demon would want to control you forever.An ordinary person may not have that kind of cash but some do.what a pity i dont live near you and havent won the lottery or i could drop five grand on you and say "here that'll keep you going.."
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2015):
 That's an easy one.
Your boyfriend does not need to understand why you won't take the money. You can agree to disagree. Do you have to do anything he says even if it goes against your values ? Obviously not. So thank him profusely for his kind generous heart- yet tear the cheque in pieces and throw them away. So you aren't even tempted.
You can't take money from a man who is not your father or husband . You just can't. Your financial situation may be uncomfortable, but you have your job and your own resources, and as you have been counting on them before meeting this guy, so you can go on after meeting him too.
For all the good reasons WiseOwlE quoted. And for another one I am a bit hesitant to bring up because I don 't want to come off as the bitch who is having a go with a decent hard working girl. But I hope you understand what I mean.
So : obviously your efforts are commendable. You work hard, study, help taking care of a younger brother . You took on a big workload , and big responsibilities, some of which weren't yours at all. You are generous and determined and have a vision for your future.
So, kudoos to you.
But : your post shows traces of a typical , entitled and skewed off Northern American perspective : everybody SHOULD have it all, whether they can afford it or not, - and get it by any mean necessary ( ....tremendous credit card debts... or a rich lover ).
Why ?
You feel bad because your brother cannot have right now the things that many of his friends have. You feel this is not fair. Maybe you are right.
Yet, life itself is unfair. The whole world is unfair. But while we as a society figure out a way ( politically, economically, philososphically... through a change of individual awareness, or , some people say, through a revolution ....) to change the distribution of resources and assets in our societies in a more equitable way wherever this is needed - in the meantime you play with the cards you are dealt with. And if shortcuts are offered, you always check if they are morally valid.
You feel bad for your deprived bro who , without your bf's gift, could not have had grad ring and pics.
Do you also feel bad for your colleagues in Cuba ? Cuban bartenders earn about 20 USD a month, I guess about 1% of what you can earn. Of course life in Cuba is much less expensive than in your country- but still, there's no proportion, you are incredibly much richer than a Cuban bargirl. No way she could afford to live alone and independent under her own roof , paying rent and bills.
Is that fair ? No it's not. I am sure that many of these girls are as smart and intelligent and deserving and nice as you and more. It's lamentable that a trick of fate put them in the position to have so much less than a Canadian bartender.
So, it's perhaps lamentable that the Canadian bartender's little bro can't have all the frills and videogames and iphones and whatnot that his friends have- but do not make it worse by teaching him the wrong stuff.
Don't teach him that he is a loser or lesser than other people because he has not got the right gadgets. Do not teach him that he needs the gadgets to be happy- so, in luck of better, he needs a rich Santa Claus to help him get stuff. Do not teach him that when you are , pardon me, at the breadline- one should worry about pics and rings ( I mean, seriously !? ) and stuff like that just to keep up with the Joneses.
Teach him the truth : That he is like you. That he is strong, resilient , capable,brave. That he needs to believe in himself, work hard, and study to build up a better future. That if he has the guts, the persistence and go-and- get -itness, he just needs to tough it out for a few years and then he will be able to get himself carloads of gadgets. And in the meantime he and his sister can , and want, learn to rely only upon themselves and live within their modest means .
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2015): Do not accept the money gift. Never cash the check. It's generous, but far too much. The gifts were shared between you and your brother; so accept them graciously. Sit him down, and explain to him how you appreciate the generosity; but it places you in a the position of feeling like a charity-case. Remind him that although you struggle, you work hard, and you have pride. You know that your education and hard work will payoff someday.
Everyone has to struggle in order to appreciate small blessings. Learn what it means to reward yourself, not expect materialistic things from others.
My previous boyfriend (who dumped me); and my now present boyfriend, are both wealthy men. I earn a very good living on my own, and I am able to exchange expensive gifts; because I can afford to. I do refuse gifts I consider far too expensive. Like Rolex watches and the like. I set the limit at what I can afford without going into debt, or the poor house. I'm not trying impress anybody. Maybe I'm also a little on the thrifty side.
My current boyfriend wanted to by me a Lexus. I have a BMW that is six years old, and paid for. I don't want anyone to later decide they want to take something back; or throw it in my face how generous they've been to me. So, no matter how tempting expensive gifts are, the answer is a very polite "no thank you!" Followed by a really appreciative hug. He could be testing you to see if you are the type to be a gold-digger. You never know what's on the mind of some guys.
I've made it abundantly clear that I will sell any overly-expensive gift, and give the money to charity. So I think my guy will respect that.
There is always the possibility that you might find yourself unintentionally taking advantage of his generosity; even he can well afford it. Even becoming dependent. Expensive gifts are better exchanged between people who can equally afford them, or for a spouse.
Rich guys like lavishing you with gifts to impress you; but they respect you more when their showing-off doesn't impress you as much. I struggled too going to college, and living on my own the first few years. My father paid for some of my college through a fund he set up years ago; but my GI Bill paid for most of it. I still had to pay my own way; because I went to a very expensive private college. I had to buy a car, pay my own car insurance, rent, and everything else.
You can and should go overboard with generosity toward your spouse; because you hope to share a lifetime. Guys who like to splurge on expensive gifts have to be watched carefully. They often have ulterior motives. The guy who dumped me was a little shady, and I never accepted anything from him I couldn't buy for myself. He dumped me without a real reason, accept saying I deserved someone better. So you have to consider this kind of thing happening. You can also get spoiled, begin feeling entitled, and start expecting things. When the gifts slow down, or stop; you'll be suspicious of why.
I think your friend has been generous enough. I think you should discourage him from being a sugar-daddy; because you never know what some guys may want in exchange, or how they could turn sometime down the road. He'll respect you more for it.
Allow him to truly care for you, and show you his feelings through his actions; not by how much money he can throw at you. Keep your little brother's head on straight as well. Kids are impressionable, and he will not understand the principle behind all this; unless you set an example for him. You shouldn't use people, or expect things costing high prices that you couldn't earn enough to buy for yourself. If you can't afford them, it's not time for you to have them.
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