A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! I think I am falling for a guy who has a girlfriend!We have been friends for a year but two months ago we admitted to each other that we have feelings for each other that are stronger than that. We have kissed a few times and last week we slept together. I know this is wrong but it happened.We have tried to be just friends and have told each other that nothing can happen again but it keeps happening because the attraction is strong.He has been with his girlfriend for two years. He tells me he won't leave her because she has done nothing wrong and she has a small child (not with him) but he is not fully happy with her. They only see each other once a week and in the whole two years they have been together she has only met his family once (and he lives with his family!)I find it strange that he sees so little of her when they don't live far from one another and that he hasn't integrated her more into his family. I know and get on really well with them.Why do you think he hasn't left her for me? Am I just wasting my time on this man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply - it is *really* helpful. Especially the bits about safety/security and the child. I can understand why he would be reluctant to leave it behind especially as he clearly can't be as unhappy as he states.
I do however know that he only sees his girlfriend once a week and that she has only met his family once in two years. I know this because his mother and brother have confirmed it and I am good friends with them so I see no reason for them to lie. He is obviously content with this arrangement though so it is not my place to judge. I wouldn't be content with that if I was in a relationship with him!
I think you are right and that men rarely leave their partners and I don't really want to be the cause of another woman loosing her man. I know I should try and stay away but it is very difficult because we move in the same social circles.
Thanks again for your help.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 February 2011):
 There could be a million reasons why he hasnt left her, including:
- Safety/Secturity - they have been together 2 years, this is quite a long time and he will be settled and happy. It is hard to break routine, she will be like a trusted presence in his life that is always there. The security of a stable relationship is quite strong, it is hard to consider leaving something good as that would be taking a big risk and gambling on the new relationship. He obviously does not think it is worth the risk at the moment to leave her and be with you - so the security is still winning over you I'm afraid.
- The child. He will have become close to the child, regardless of how much they see each other he has still been in the child's life for 2 years and this is important. You cannot just up and leave a child, they need stability and he will be aware of this.
- He is not getting enough sex from her/he is not physically attracted to her. Hence where you come in. You have already kissed and had sex, clearly the attraction is there. So he gets the attraction and sex on the side from you, and has his stable, happy relationship to go back to when he wants the safe option.
- He is not telling you the truth. He is telling you all these things and giving you hope, have you ever stopped to think this might just be a load of nonsense to keep you hooked? How do you know he only sees her once a week? How do you know she has not spent much time with his family? How do you know he is not happy? Because he told you so?! You must realise how stupid it is to lap up all of his lines when you are talking to a cheat. Face it, he is cheating on his long term partner with you, which makes him a liar because he is being unfaithful and dishonest with his partner. Therefore chances are he is lying to you too. If he was honest and told you the real reason, like "I am pretty happy with her but want some more excitement, and this is where you come in" you would be long gone wouldnt you? So he tells you he is 'unhappy' and that they never see each other, all to keep you around and thinking that you have a chance with him.
Look, you have made a mistake by sleeping with him but now is your chance to put things right. He is NOT going to leave her for you, ever. If he really did just see her once a week and was unhappy, then he would have no issues leaving her because he has not invested much into the relationship. But obviously there is more to the story that he is not telling you about, and you are only hurting yourself by eating up all of his lies.
Put an end to this now - tell him that you will not participate in an affair and that it is over, you will not get involved with a man who has a partner. If he actually leaves her at this point, well fine he does actually want to be with you. But if he stays with her and attempts to convince you to keep on with your affair, then he is using you and will never ever leave her. Men in relationships rarely leave their partners, so dont get your hopes up.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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