A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, over the last 7 months I have become very friendly with a former work colleague. During this time I have given up a large portion of my time helping them getting a new job. I would spend my time going through job specifications with them and recently provided a job reference and university reference to acas which has enabled this person to get a university place. During this time we would be in contact every day. However it seems they would only contact me when they wanted something and really didnt take much interest in my life. Since this person has got a job thanks to me and a uni place, I dont hear from them. I feel I've been used by this person for what they can get out of me. It seems they were only keeping me sweet while they were getting what they needed from me and now they have it I've been dropped like a hot potato. What do you advise I do? Have it out with them or just disconnect from them? I feel like I've been mugged off quite frankly!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): Well, in my book, you did good. You've handed that person a jumping board, and have set them on [I'm guessing] her way.
From here, if it turns out that down the road if you ever need some favour that they are in a position to help you with, and they don't... then that's where you cross them off as somebody who is not worthy of your efforts; who does not know to appreciate your help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): I wish I could wholeheartedly agree with Chigirl - and I definitely used to when I was younger. I would add that where you live and who you come into contact with will definitely make a difference to whether you can keep up the rather idealistic 'giving' mentality that, in my case, led to me being very exploited.
I moved to a major city and found, time and time again, that people took from me and moved on. It left me needing extensive counselling and finally a decision to leave that city. There really are only so many times that you can keep giving without expecting anything in return.
Another point I'd like to make is that there is a gender element to this issue - even today, young women and older women are expected to give more than males - they are expected to be caring, nurturing, kind and not the opposite. It can work subtly, but it's also a very dangerous gender bias that can undermine women and stop them being treated as equal.
To return to my original point: context makes a difference - places like work and college can be highly competitive and are linked to making money, ultimately. Cities with high living costs can generate a mentality of exploitation. Volunteer groups, smaller cities and towns are less controlled by money and people tend to be kinder - I'm making a huge generalisation, but for those with giving natures, this really can make a difference.
I am a giver. But I've had to learn to hold back AND to learn how to ask for help and support too - all after counselling. For some, it takes a long, long time to get the balance right. Look at the bigger picture - the planet is dying due to mankind's exploitative nature - so, it's no wonder that you have recognised how this operates at a grass roots level.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 May 2019):
 I have to agree with the rest of the answer as well.
You made a CHOICE to take this time to help them and you REALLY made a difference for this person. It's now up to them to see where THEY can take it.
Did they use you? Yes, and no.
You saw it as a friendly or friendship kind of thing. the other person saw it as using a "resource" (you) to further their lives.
So what to do? Wish them well, block and move on.
And then LEARN from this. PEOPLE will ASK for help, favors if they KNOW you can give help. YOU get to CHOOSE who you want to help. It's UP to you to gauge a person who all of a sudden wants to be your "buddy".
I would try and look at it from the perspective of YOU having helped someone, not just having been used.
Helping is ALWAYS a choice and like Chigirl said, shouldn't come with strings attached or something being "owed" for said help.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 May 2019):
 Forget about it. Life is full of users, you managed to spot that they only contacted you when they need something so why did you continue to help?
Give someone an inch, they will take a mile. Let this be a lesson not to be taken advantage of!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2019): You need to change your thinking.This person got their uni place on their own merit and you have no right to try to take that from them.It is morally wrong to expect a liason or anything else in return.What you can do is to pat yourself on the back for being kind.The universe will reward you for your good deed but its time for you to let this person go.It makes no sense to be bitter about helping someone out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2019):
 Just disconnect. Some people are giving of nature, and some dont see anything wrong with accepting help. You are yourself at fault for setting «conditions» on your help. In the future, only offer help sincerely, and not because you expect things in return. If you want friendship, build up a friendship not through helping, but through common interests and debates and meeting up. This would make it easier for you to not feel this way again.
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