A
female
 ,
*nja10
writes:My problem is that in the past I have been badly betrayed/hurt in a past relationship (ok haven't we all!) Basically I found out that not only was he sleeping with co-worker behind my back he also lied to me about his marriage when we first started going out. Basically he was a compulsive liar. I thought that would be the end of it but when I found out and asked him to leave he started harassing me which led to him poisoning my dog and also vandalising my car to the extend that it was lucky myself or someone else was not injured/killed. This was 6 years ago and since then I have questioned everything a guy says to me to the point they give up on me. Recently I met someone at work we didn’t get involved romantically as he said he didn’t believe in work romances yet we started a friendship. He left the company we remained friends (via email only) yet he never asked me out even to catch up as friends. To be honest maybe I was hoping things might go further and I started the accusations again. I thought even as just friends surely you would want to just catch up at some stage? I waited about 4 months and still nothing, its not like we live miles away - but yeah maybe I did get a little bit rude and offensive. Prior to that I asked him where I stood with him and he said as a friend someone that he built a rapport with and he wasn‘t just emailing me to be polite...which was the first thing I accused him of. We only ever emailed and every time I suggested catching he said he couldn't as he was busy etc as a result I started accusing him again of lying to me, firstly using the work thing as an excuse and also accusing of him of lying to me about the reasons he couldn’t catch up ie he was too busy etc . I even questioned his sexuality. I don’t think he is gay yet at the same time I don’t think he has had much experience with women. Really I think the only thing he did wrong was not want a relationship with me other then a friendship , which is not his fault, but I also feel he could’ve been more open about things as well. The problem is he no longer wants to talk to me anymore even as a friend as in his words he finds my manner insulting and offensive. He claims he never lied to me yet doesn't feel the need to justify himself either. I desperately want to tell him what happened and explain how I feel but I don't think I can handle any more rejection.. I mean the story of my ex sounds a bit far fetched and I want him to forgive me because he likes me rather then feels sorry for me. Maybe he’ll think I’m using the past as an excuse for behaviour now? I really miss his friendship but I don't know what to do or how to go about talking to him. I have tried to apologise but I haven’t heard anything now for 3 days. Except for that one occasion with my ex I have never held a grudge against anyone, its sad to me that a friend would do the same over a few words that were said because I was hurt and confused and admittedly wasn’t communicating well.
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female
reader, pica +, writes (26 November 2006):
I don't think he has a grudge so much as he's keeping well out of your way and, given the story you have told, who can blame him? I think you could benefit from counselling or reading a self-help book. Sometimes other people don't want the relationship we want with them, be it boyfriend/girlfriend or just friends. We have to accept that this is their right. You should just forget about this guy - he doesn't want to hear any more and regardless of what you now want to say, you are still using it as an excuse to continue a connection with him. Forget him and leave him alone - it's what he wants. Learn from this and use the lessons when you next make a new friend, male or female.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2006): Weeelll......you COULD try sending him an email like the one you posted here.
However, I certainly wouldn't count on him changing his mind and deciding to meet you for coffee as a friend when he reads it! He says he found you rude, insulting and offensive and you called him a liar, accused him of being gay......that's a heck of a lot of @#$%^& to dump on anybody, and you really had no reason to! Not that your behavior would be justifiable even had he been a boyfriend.
The fact is, you were not "friends" but workplace acquaintances. People don't always keep up with former co-workers, and he didn't really want to take it beyond a few emails.
Sorry, but you may have to just let this drop, but do try to focus on your insecurities from your horrible, abusive ex bf - then you won't run into the kind of problem you're having now.
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