A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've always wanted to wait until I got married to have sex, but I've been with my bf for 3 years (mostly long distance) and I don't think we're going to be getting married anytime soon. I think I want to do it with him, because we've done everything else and I think it's becoming an issue- like I switch off now when we fool around whereas before I was fine. I'm 23. Any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Hi, yes, we were able to work it out, though she still has trouble perceiving her own desire, because she really consciously made herself numb to it through resisting for too long. She's getting better at it, but it's taken quite a bit of therapy.
Also, I think the idea that sex doesn't increase a man's attachment is not true. It may be true for some men but not all, certainly not me. In a long-term relationship like yours (only real kind I've had), it has always increased it for me.
I hope you're talking about this decision with him, too. Where does he stand? I hope he's not pressuring you. I guess it all comes down to how strongly you feel about saving yourself for marriage, how much you love him and want to give yourself to him sexually, and how close you are to getting married to him. I wish you the best of luck in deciding. And stay in touch with your own sexual desires -- for the rest of your life -- no matter what you decide to do about them.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Poster, I apologize for not responding before. In any case, I think the second male anonymous poster said what I had in mind. You don't seem to have any issues with your boyfriend but, if you have them, you should work those out first. Is it feasible for you to live together?
Believe me, I understand what you mean about having sex with him. But it would only add more expectations to the situation, like the second anonymous poster said.
And I also agree with previasc96. If you've been together that long, you should be making plans.
I was in a long-distance relationship that failed, but not because we didn't make plans. We did what we could to be together, and had to end it when it was clear we wouldn't be together.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008):
If the relationship is having troubles, then starting to sleep with him now will usually not fix anything. Having sex with him now will basically pile some additional emotional expectations onto the relationship even in a good situation. It is only a positive thing if the relationship is ready to take on that extra emotional load at the time.
Sex usually intensifies the attachment that the girl feels but it usually DOES NOT do the same for guys. It may just aggravate the dissatisfaction & problems that you already feel about him & the situation in this case. I would wait until things are better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that, that's helpful.
I completely agree that after 3 years we should be moving onto the next level- but the difficulty is that we have been in different countries for the majority of it, and he is still not in a stable job/financial position. That isn't a problem for me, but I guess it is for him. And we're still not likely to be in the same country for a while! We have got a few months living together coming up though, which is why the situation is presenting itself!
The reply just above- were you and your wife able to work through this?
And above, Danielepew could you expand on your answer?
Thanks!
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A
male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (27 April 2008):
If you wanted to save your self till marriage, you shoulda set boundaries to how far you would go physically with someone. Doing "everything else" but actual intercourse is not a good idea because you tease your own self and your partner too. The first few times for you is gonna be painful anyways, so you might as well do it now that you are in this state. If you've been together for 3 yrs, you should be both seriously thinking of taking the relationship to the next level. By that i mean engagement and plans to be married and live together.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 April 2008):
I think you should wait until you have anything clear about this relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): I'd say go for it, but be well prepared with birth control. After such a long time and everything else done, you really don't want to mess with your desire -- which the "switch off" thing makes it sound like is starting to happen. Give in to it, be safe, and enjoy. You are old enough.
P.S. I speak from experience in that my wife has had some serious issues with re-learning to recognize her own desire after an extended stint of learning to resist like this.
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