A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of complicated and will sound very contradicting on my part. I started dating my ex 3 years ago. While it started really well, as many relationships do, a few months into it, he cheated on me. I found out, confronted him, we spent a few weeks apart and then he asked for a fresh start. I thought I could give it to him, but for the year that followed I was working on building trust in the relationship on my own -while he kept blaming me for his cheating (because I had not trusted him enough), but also for even finding out about it, which indicated in his opinion, my lack of respect for his space. Of course, I knew that his arguments were outrageous, but I really had gotten into a very co-dependent mentality and went to therapy for it because the whole thing was emotionally abusive. Therapy helped and while I did not leave the relationship right away, about a year ago, I started focusing on other stuff in my life, myself and my career. I did not talk to him about it, but I guess it was obvious in my behavior. He, in the meantime, owned up on his mistakes and started treating me with respect, and declared his intention to commit wholeheartedly in the relationship. It was a 180 degrees change. Because he had had this 'my way or the highway' attitude before though, I was mad at him still. He mostly was patient through my temper, showed understanding to my lack of trust, was doing everything he could to make me feel secure in the relationship. And I was happy he was finally trying and was starting to feel safe again. Then, at some point I panicked. Four months ago, something triggered these emotions of mistrust (and it had nothing to do with him) and I felt that unlike what I had hoped the relationship was beyond salvation. I told him it was dead for a long time, and I ended up. Did not answer his calls, and generally avoided all contact. He called for two months, pleaded with me to go back, told me he knew he was undeserving of it, asked me to even just chat as friends so he could show to me outside of the pressure of a relationship that he had changed. I remained strong in my decision that it should end, but did occasionally reply to messages he'd send me when they were chit-chatty (would cut off any conversation about the relationship itself). Then, I txt'd him at some point to share some really good professional news I had gotten. We chatted on txt for a bit and I casually asked how his life was and if he was seeing anyone. He told me I shouldn't care about it, but if I had to know, yes he was with someone. He told me he could see now I was right about how our relationship could not have worked. He said he still felt horrible for what he put me through and that no person should ever go through that, but we could still be friends. Apologized, said he had to go and that I could call him on the phone to talk more. I replied 'no thanks' and forgot about it. But now, I am not so sure anymore. We have talked since. He kept bringing up how devastated he was when I left him, the things he wanted to share with me, how he missed me, the two months after our breakup. He told me he still thinks 'what if...' sometimes, and that he still wishes he had changed sooner, before it got to that point, but in the end, I hurt him really badly. I asked him to come back. He replied that despite everything, he really cares for his new girlfriend, that he just wants to be happy after all the devastation and learn from his mistakes. It's been three weeks since our last talk. I am not contacting him if he wants to work on his relationship -but somehow, I am kind of secretly wishing that he would also realize he loved me still and came back. He is on my mind a lot. I still don't know if it could work out and I know it is unfair on my part to wish him to break up with his new girlfriend for a relationship that seems so uncertain (and beyond repair to most). But I do think about him a lot and I miss him very much and I feel sad that he was willing to do so much work and threw it all away by finding someone new so soon after he told me all these things. Does it make sense? Any advice to get over this? Is it just a matter of time? I seem to be over-analyzing it and I had kind of enjoyed my 'independent' time, where I was not thinking about his words/actions as of the importance they have reclaimed now.
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cheated on me, emotionally abusive, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you female anonymous reader, that very much sums up how I am feeling and it is very encouraging to know that it does seem like I tried and there is a point when you can stop trying and it's okay.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): Hi. The fact that he let you down like that but you stuck at it and tried to make the relationship work is important. Because you tried!
But even though you tried your best. You found something could trigger you and you would feel right back where you started, after all your hard work! Imagine how mentally exhausting a relationship with him would be over time.
That he watched you trying to make sense of his behaviour, while he drummed it into you, that it was all your fault was cowardly and unforgivable of him.
Its probably the little things about him that you loved, that made you keep trying and make you feel sad now. But hes no good despite what he says. Empty words! If he had changed he wouldnt be keeping this sort of contact with you and becoming jealous when you mention a possible date. He has a partner....so what he is doing now is wrong. He hasnt learnt anything. You made a wise decision to leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. Yes, I actually think it's better for me if I move on and realize that he screwed up long before. It was not the cheating, it was the way he handled it for a long time that really made me so angry towards him and the more time goes by the more I realize that it is not viable.
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To the anonymous poster: I am not sure I understand such a strong reaction to my question. 'there is no space for you'? If you actually read my post, you would know I am not talking to him because I respect his wishes to work on the new relationship. If you want me to push more my argument, I can tell you that I actually stopped talking to him because in the hint of me going out with another man, he started acting jealous and I was not sure it was fair to his current girlfriend.
Now, I do not know his current girlfriend. All I know is what i know from him: that is that she advised him I was the 'bad person' there, without knowing our history, just because she saw him in remorse -and assumed that just because someone says they are sorry, it erases a year and a half of emotional abuse. And also: that woman jumped in the opportunity to get a man who was clearly still thinking about another woman and was still trying to repair his relationship. So I am sorry. I am making a fair decision for her, but I am making it because of principle and because I care about him, but I won't respect someone who did not respect me. I do not know why your wording was so strong, but it was hurtful and it was entirely missing the point of my question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): I would just tell him how you feel. Pepole do change and it was early in your relationship that he cheated. His feelings probably weren't fully developed. Good luck I wish you the best!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 March 2010):
You DO NOT want this man back. He cheated and hurt you, and the best decision you made was to leave him. Do not linger on the past. You will regret it. Nothing will have changed. He won't suddenly be a different man, and all those problems you had before haven't solved themselves. It does not do anyone well to dwell upon the past. This man hurt you. Let him go, and continue to focus on your own life. To go back will be to waste more time, and end up hurt even more.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): I am a man and there is a possibility that i see things in a different way than you do! In my opinion it's your blame that this relationship is over... I know it, he knows it and you know it!!! When in a relation (not a relationship) a third person appears, then the other two MUST show some respect to his/her face! It seems that you only think of your ex and nothing more. This is not correct for me! If you try to move a step further i ensure you that he will never talk to you aanymore! He is right you are wrong.. Just forget him, there is no space for you and this is real life is not a fairytale!! Good luck
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