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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there,I am so unhappy. I have been seeing a guy a couple of months and have started to really like him. He has been in several relationships beforehand but nothing serious in the last few year. I met him the same week I split up with my boyfriend of 4 years which had been on the rocks for a long time.He started talking about me and him as though we were officially together but I think I may have said a few things to kind of ruin this. First I invited him to dinner at my parents - just as he lives on his own and it was just a casual invite - I think this scared him, then I asked if we were together one night when I had a lot to drink and he said it was too soon to talk about it. I wish I hadn't said this as I certainly don't want to get into anything serious quickly either.I don't want to appear desperate or anything. We are both in our late 20's. He also told me that he is planning on going away over xmas so this was also quite a shock. He seemed really into me and now seems more distant. Should I just back off and see what happens? Thanks for your advice.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): HiI'm in the exact same situation.I've just ended an 11 year relationship and was seeing this guy for a couple of months who had come out of a three year relationship. It seemed he liked me well enough from this time together but I know I scared him away as I was very clingy and practially asked to move in with him! His last relationship had ended badly and I think he's really concerned about getting into another one so soon and with someone who is also newly single too (and very possibly coming across as in emotional turmoil). I have backed right off to give him his space. I'm just hoping that maybe in the future he will come to realsie that he does like me enough to give it a try.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): Hi now i am in the same situation i moved to fast on the guy that i like and it scared him away. SOme guys are scared of commiting to a relationship. Now you guys were together for 2months just hanging out so that does show that he likes you but i think what his problem is..is that he is afraid to commit and he is not really sure of things right now. Just Back off a bit and if he really is mean't to be he will call you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): I agree that maybe you scared him away and he needs time to think about how feels about you. if you are meant to be together, it will happen. if not then move on. i have had the same situation happen - you get too attached too fast and the object of your affection gets scared away. he may still like you just play it cool.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): Hi there, you have been seeing this guy for a couple of months and began seeing him 2 weeks after breaking off a 4 year relationship, is that right?
I don't think you did anything wrong in inviting him to your parents house for dinner, it was a casual thing you might have done with any friend. Asking him if you were "together" is understandable in a 2 month relationship, you are just letting him kmow you want to kmow where you stand with him and your relationship. He answered back that it was too soon to talk about it meaning he either thought it was a bad idea to discuss it while you were drinking or he just does not want to commit to a steady relationship, YET.
I think you are doing what a lot of girls do at this stage in a new relationship, which is start to see a guys distancing behavior as a big negative, and you start getting freaked out that you are losing the guy and he probably senses this and may start to be afraid that you are not in control of your own emotions.
Perhaps you are not ready for a steady relationship with him so soon after ending a 4 year relationship, this would officially be considered a re-bound relationship for you, and no one wants to be that for someone if they can help it.
I am disturbed that you do not want to spend a couple of months on your own after a 4 year affair, and that you are so quickly trying to connect and commit to another man, that seems a bit clingy and desperate to me because you have not taken the time to heal from your last break up and get back to who you were before that relationship or in other words you don't have your legs under you yet.
I think you should stop worrying about what he is thinking and what his distancing means because you are deciding that it must be something negative. It could be good that he has strong feelings for you and wants time to think about whether or not he wants a relationship with you, or wants to get to know the real you....I think you should try giving this guy some space, don't try to talk him into a relationship with you or feeling the way you do but act confident that you are great and why wouldn't he want to be with you. Start dating some other guys as well as him, you owe it to yourself to see who else you might connect with, and in the meantime just have fun and enjoy dating and get some of your self confidence back, breaks up are hard on our self confidence and affect our ability to trust others and be ourselves, so take your time before jumping into another relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): I agree with Jack's advice. It might have been a tad soon to invite him to dinner at your parents' home. However, I can see that maybe as he lives by himself you thought it would be nice to have him accompany you for a home-cooked meal. You might put it that way to him.
And perhaps, asking him if you two are an item when you had had too much to drink may have been disconcerting. Even more, how often do you drink too much? If it was a one-off situation, maybe not a lot of harm was done......I'm thinking that if too much booze is a regular occurrence for you, then that could have put him off a little.......still, I agree that you should let him know you are not looking to get into anything too serious after only two months.
Going away for Christmas: why was that a shock? Does his family live some distance away and he was going to spend it with them? Or maybe just taking a short vacation for the Christmas holiday? Had you both talked about spending Christmas together? In any event, there's no reason why he SHOULDN'T go away for Christmas (or any other holiday) UNLESS the two of you were both (not just your idea alone) planning to spend all or part of it together.
Hope this works out well for you! Keep us posted.
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male
reader, jack23 +, writes (30 October 2006):
 I think you should talk to him about it. Expalin that you feel that things were good and that it feels you have drifted appart. Tell him about that fact that your not looking to rush into anything that you want to take your time aswell.
If you want to understand his intensions he will also need to understand yours. This should help you understand why he has changed so quickly and let you know where you stand.
Hope the advice is useful :)
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