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female
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*lephant
writes: I will try to keep this short and simple. 2 years ago I got back together with an ex who I hadn't seen for 10 years. I called off my wedding to my fiance and he sent his girlfriend off packing.We live 200 miles away from each other but I try to drive up to him every other weekend to see him. He has a 5 year old boy from a previous relationship that he sees at the weekends that I don't go up. All of the other time he is busy running his own business which takes up a lot of time especially at weekends.Last week I went away with him and his son and met up with friends who also had kids for the week. Naturally the kids went mental all week and I had no RandR at all.( I should have realised that kids get up at 6am) So when we left to go back to his house at the end of the holiday, he acused me of being cold towards his son and not making an effort.I thought that I made a huge effort and was very upset.So to cheer myself up whilst he went to work taking his son with him. I went on his PC to look for a spa where I could get a massage and have a pamper day. Once on his PC I looked at his files and saw that he has a folder named "Fun". Under this is two other folders that he has of myself and his ex. In here he has kept all photos of us etc.I got upset as he still had pictures of her after 2 years ago and left with a goodbye note before he got back.He is now fuming that I went on his PC and went through his files. I admit it was wrong and that it was his personal stuff but I wouldn't have expected to find my folder name under a sub heading of fun, next to his ex.So now he says that the relationship is ruined as he does not trust me and he can not see a future in our relationship as I will not except his son.I am going for an interview shortly to go for an internal transfer so that I can move closer to him as he wont move. I asked him if I should go for the job and he said he didin't know and that I should do what I like because I will do that anyway.What I really want to know is: am I mad for carrying on or should I just call it a day?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Wow...
I say...that you are a woman...that you saw the word fun...and went...wot? I wouldn't want to find a sub folder on his pc desktop entitled Fun; what could it be...clowns and balloons? Give me a break. *rollseyes*
What the heck is he doing with picture of the Ex under a folder called fun?
He is just embarassed by being discovered out something that he knows was wrong.
I think that if you had told him first off, instead of re-acting to what he had to say, that you don't understand children and this caught you off guard and you should have apologized if it did come across as you being cold but that is not what it was ( i hope).
What exactly did the goodbye note say?
Is he re-acting to what it said as well as to his embarassment? Just be thankful it wasn't that awful porn crap that most men indulge in.
The relationship isn't ruined; he is acting melodramatic over this and if he can just focus on addressing any concerns and fears on your part over the discovery....and if you can forgive and work on making a relationship work...you can move on.
I say forgiveness is in order. On both parts. It takes letting go of your ego, it requires humbling yourself and apologizing for your part in this communication break down.
He must be full of shame and embarassment and most people have a very hard time recoverning from this.
He doesn't see that your trust in him is breached as well and why is he only focusing on his side of things.
In cases like this...offer an apology and suggest some couples counseling.
I think moving will be a sacrifice on your part and he may just want you to make a decision to see how committed you are. Sound unfair and childish but still, if you truly love this man...take the interview...make a "we" decision and not a "me" decision. It's hard to do this when you feel that is all he is about...the "me".
I it is valid to be hurt and offended by the discovery but it isn't good or right to let it break you apart.
Tell him that you did in fact re-act to the pictures. That you let your curiousity get the better of you but you feel happy in finding out the discovery as it addresses a concern that you didn't know exsisted?
Is he lusting over his Ex? Why did he keep pictures? Tell him he doesn't have to answer you but you would like couples therapy so you both can learn what you see this relationship going and what to expect from it and of it.
Good luck.
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