A
male
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anonymous
writes:I have been married for almost 8 years, but am now seperated from my wife.She wants me back and is everything I ever wanted in a partner. She is perfect.She is beautiful, classy, loyal, has had countless chances with other guys and always turns them down.I cheated on her and admitted this to her, she has now put this in the past and wants to move on together.The problem is, I just don't love her anymore.I fell for a younger girl last year and am madly in love with this girl. My wife knows about this, but thinks I no longer have feelings for this girl.Me and my wife have children together too, I still visit them regularly and my eldest daughter is always asking me when I am moving back in.I would give anything to feel the way I used to about her, but I just can't.We still cuddle sometimes and she kisses me, but the feelings are just not there anymore.I want to love her, but I just cannot get this other girl out of my head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again, its still gonna be a while before we are living together again, but we are moving ahead now rather than constantly dragging eachother back.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (16 August 2006):
 I'm a little late on this one, but here goes:
Sir, you have finally done the right thing, for the sake of your children. I commend you for choosing a path that may not yet fill all that is missing your life.
By now your attitude should be one of counting that which you HAVE, not that which you don't have. And I'm pretty sure you will find that what you have far outnumbers what you don't have.
Maybe you are missing that feeling of adoration for your wife. It's a powerful and addictive feeling - it can make you feel like you're on top of the world. Don't mistake that feeling for love. That which you had before you separated was love. It's good to hear that you will make an effort to get back to that place. Lust is for teenagers; love is for adults and for keeps.
Your children need their father and your wife wants you to be part of all of their lives again. Don't blow this golden opportunity to fix things.
Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlol, after seeing her collection of sex toys today, I am sure tomorrow night will be F - U - N.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): *smiles* Good to hear.
Have FUN, that's F-U-N on the family holiday and keep it light and take the chance to re-discover one another.
Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I am not angry with your comments, its just that many of them were misunderstandings.
I have spoke with my wife and we are going on a family holiday soon, things are getting better with us and a counselling session is booked.
Thanks for your help everyone
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): Dude, Sir,
Have you gone to your local bookstore and looked into the books I recommended?
Have you re-booked a marriage couselor?
Have you gotten yourself into individual counseling?
When you can demonstrate that you have fulfilled any of these suggestions; I will have more faith in your statements of wanting to love you wife, of wanting to make your marriage work.
Later.
*waves*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): We can't say the right thing can we?
We can't know what the answer is because we don't have all the facts, only you and your wife do. Instead of asking us and being angry with our comments, perhaps it is time you sought individual counselling, talking to someone face to face who follows your thread would bring greater gains because they would understand what you are trying to say and what you are trying not to say.
If this other girl is not truly available to you then you need to stop feeding the fire... If your marriage can not be repaired then let her go....
You must resolve this one way or another, the merry-go-round you are on will make you sick.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis other woman is not a part of my life, nor will she ever be.
I am not having an affair with anybody.
I have been completely honest with my wife, so am not hiding anything from her.
I just want to love her again like I used to, but I fear I just never will, I have told her this.
As for 'following my dick', this was never the case as the relationship with this girl was never sexual.
I came clean and we are seperated, but neither of us want to finish. I want to make it work with my wife, I just want to love her again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): Ah don't worry about it man. Shit happens and well, you created this shit. Like those before me and in much less words, just come clean and definitely leave your wife. Mind you, try to still be a good father, and don't fight for custody, cuz it just makes you into a bigger bastard.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): Listen, you have gotten yourself in a situation where you are allowing yourself to have feelings for another woman. Whilsts you keep doing this you completely block any chance at regaining intimacy or feelings for your wife. Youll have to tell your wife the truth and lose her. a word of warning though...TRUST ME when you no longer have this other woman in your life (and it will fail as nearly all affairs like this do) you will sooon come to regret this and feel love again for your wife. In 99.9 % of such cases the wife by this stage has moved on and wont want a bar of you.....It will not be till this time that you will truly realise what you have lost by following your lust for another woman....Until then, you have made yourself an actor in lifes play and your next move is to cut ties with the wife, let her know what you THINK you feel and try and make a sad little future with this 'girl' who will more than likely turn out to be a sad pathetic comparison to your wife.....Ahhhhh, men dont you love it how they follow their dicks and call it love???
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): How did things worsen and when did you stop going?
Were you both in individual counseling? This would have been good for you both as you can have the one on one and have a better sense of safety in knowing the other won't know what you discuss unless you want to bring it out in the open. It would give you both time to sort out the things in your head and heart.
I suggest you get some individual counseling and stop the other relationship.
The worse thing two couples can do is separate as this allows them to grow apart and get set in their ways.
I agree with Irish in that if you honestly believe it will go nowhere and that you do not love your wife; end it now.
Still read the books, still get some individual counseling and suggest the wife gets some as well. Also, set up some children of divorce counseling for your children.
Focus on having a the best divorce possible before entering into any other intimate relations.
It is clear that you have come to a decision and therefore, do what you will but with wisdom and forethought.
Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Come clean with your wife, tell her you don't love her and get a divorce. Keeping a secret about your true feelings is lying and can do further damage to your credibility and will only serve to hurt your wife and kids even more so. You wife may be thinking she has another chance with you. She likely has a confidence in you, that your intentions are honorable and that you could never hurt her again. Don't keep her grasping for the hope that you'll be back when you know, you won't be. Sit her down and calmly tell this news, that you don't love her. Not doing this will only say how cruel, self-centered and spineless, your behaviours are.
Be prepared, it's likely for her to hear such a thing will cause her hurt, but then she will know exactly where she stands. She will face the hurt, heal, recover and find someone else to share her life with. You do not have to tell her about the other woman...save her that indignity. When you both separated and lived apart..whom you saw and how you conducted your lives in that space of time, became no one else's business. The last thing she needs to think, is that you left her for another woman..this will make all further experiences with your wife, contentious. And divorce is ugly enough without 'the other woman' coming into the picture. You have to still have a modicum of a amicable relationship with your wife as there are children involved and you will want visitation with the kids. Good luck and I hope you make the best decision by giving your wife the respect and the knowledge of the truth. She sounds like an incredibly, good woman and she deserves at least that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer the first response:
We both know why I strayed in the first place, I needed somebody with whom I could confide in.
I never tried to give her false hope, I was honest with her the day after I kissed this other girl and she was so understanding.
My wife would kiss me and I would cry because it felt like I was cheating on this other girl, the feelings of guilt were immense when I was being kissed by my own wife.
I have said to her that I want her to meet somebody else, someone who will love her like she loves me.
I look at her and wish with all my heart that I could reciprocate her love, but I just can't.
I have told her that I just don't love her, but I want to.
She said she is going to give me some space, we can both lead a single life away from each other and then hopefully build a relatioship again once our friendship is strong once again.
I love this other girl, but a relationship with her cannot blossom for reasons I am not going to go into.
I am going to be single, but remain faithful to my wife, if that makes any sense.
We had been to guidance councelling before, but things have worsened since then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHang on, I must just clarify something.
When I cheated, this was a kiss. There was no sexual contact.
My wife had been hurt in previous relationships and hated all men because of this, so I was being accused of cheating from an early stage in the relationship.
We argued constantly, and ecentually it got to the stage where we could not even talk without arguing.
She had all her family to talk to, whereas I had nobody.
I eventually found somebody who I could talk to, where emotions eventually became involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): It is not a matter of can't but do wish too. If you were truly willing to give it another go; you would go to a marriage counselor and seek out advice there on how to "fall back in love" with your wife.
That is the problem with cheating; you are being intimate with another and opening up your heart and mind with some younger woman-it is unfortunate as you turned to another to find what you were lacking with your wife and that is why you are where you are.
If I were younger female; I would worry if that is how you handle boredom and stress-sleeping with other women other than addressing your issues.
You are chosing to not get her out of your head.
I would love to have a talk with wife; I think we could give her excellent advice.
Tell me, what was going on in your head and heart BEFORE the affair? How were you feeling? What were you dealing with? When did you grow apart from your wife?
That is the problem with the break down of marriages...breakdown in communication-listening and sharing and that is where the growing apart happens instead of the growing together.
Your children will desire that you and your wife get back together and work on it. This is what they want and need.
I am going to recommend TWO books and hope you pick them up at the local bookstore.
One) "The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Families" by Stephen R. Covey.
Two)"Between Two Worlds-The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce" by Elizabeth Marquardt.
I believe these books will help change your perspective and heart so that you can do what is right by those who matter most; you children, your family, your wife, your marriage.
I know you won't like this.
But if you truly want to try all other avenues; get and read the two books and get into marriage counseling.
It is not everyday that you have a loving, dutiful, forgiving partner...this is most rare.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Then don't go back....To try to love your wife without first resolving why you strayed would be a mistake. To give your wife false hope and to give her occasional affection isn't kind either. She sounds wonderful and out there somewhere is a man who will love her for who she is and perhaps even care for your children with her too. She has a whole life ahead of her if only you would be honest, tell the truth and let her heal and move on. You too would then be free to find out if this other girl will make you happy forever or if she is just for now. Thats why I say you must sort out why you fell out of love with your wife and into infatuation with someone else. You will only continue to replace the old with the new and will miss out on everlasting happiness.
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