A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few days ago my bf came home from work and he came into our bedroom where I was reading/studying and to get my attention he took his penis out and wanted me to play with it....I told him to go away bc I was busy. When he came back to bed a few hours(nude bc that's how he sleeps) later he started to take my pants off and asked me to go down on him(" to fluff him" is how I think of it bc from my past experience when a man is horny and wants sex he already has a hard on) and when I did I tasted pee at the end of his penis( he had just gone pee before coming to bed) and I freaked out and said I was grossed out. He called me crazy and said I wasn't normal and all I do is complain. This made me so angry that I started to breath fire with my words..... I said (this is where I think I insulted him and went off a bit too much)" I'm not normal? you're the one that shits himself in bed( first time we slept together after we moved in he shat himself when he has about to cum I think bc when he lived alone he used to use a big dildo on himself to be kinky) and has to go pee in the middle of sex" He hasn't spoken to me since and when i said hello yesterday he gave me a dirty look. I hate living with this tension between us and although I know we are not sexually compatible, he is my best friend and a good man so I don't want to lose him over this...how should I proceed? Thanks so much guys!!
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (30 June 2019):
 You’re not confused, OP. You know you’re not right for each other. There’s no point staying. You’re not boring, but you shouldn’t be with someone “kinkier” than you, if you’re uncomfortable with it. It’s okay to be “vanilla”, just like it’s okay to be “kinky” or somewhere in between, but you need to be compatible. Very few people will enjoy being with someone with poor hygiene, especially when getting intimate. Besides, almost nobody wants someone as demanding as that - having a penis waved in your face is unattractive to most people.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 June 2019):
 Don't you think it's time to walk away?
He is trying to manipulate you into doing things HE wants to do, regardless of whether YOU want to or not. As for you still cooking and cleaning, well.. I'm sure he appreciate the "free" maid service.
Why not just accept that you two are not compatible and move on? Why waste your time on a guy like this? YOU are fully WITHIN your right to have boundaries in bed and out of bed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): I meant to say:
"...and has an endless list of kinks and fetishes!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): You're sexually-incompatible as a couple. Maybe you've chosen yourself a partner who's a bit too kinky for your taste; and too sexually-uninhibited for your system of values. Women always want the bad-boys; thinking they'll change and tweak him once they commit him.
Never go-in with the intent to change anybody! It's not smart!
You can't call yourself boring necessarily; but you're not into anything he's into. He's willing to do anything, but you insist on holding onto someone you can't comfortably be intimate with. He's too much, and somewhat crass in his humor and overall approach to sex. You're the wrong-girl, and he's the wrong-guy! When will you see that for yourself?
My dear, you can't have it both-ways. You want to be conservative and traditional about sex and intimacy; yet you want to keep a guy with questionable-hygiene, wants you to put your tongue in his anal area, and his an endless list of kinks and fetishes!
That behavior didn't suddenly materialize out of thin air. He was always a nasty-boy! Now you want to clutch your pearls and faint with the vapors?
Kick him to the curb, and find yourself a guy who doesn't want to turn your bedroom into a set to film a XXX porn video. If you want to date the devil, you'll have to do bad things!
You won't change him as a person, but you can exchange him for a better boyfriend. Someone you don't have to refuse; and will talk to you, even when you have disagreements.
Forcing myself to do sex-acts I hate makes me feel violated and disgusted. I don't have to dispose of my values and corrupt myself to please anybody. I won't impose my inhibitions on anybody either! I want to like what you like, and you to like what I like. Before you sleep with people, you have to have an understanding. Preferably, before you go make the devil your boyfriend; then you can't go and try to slip a halo over his horns, and insist that he can't show his tail!
If you don't like what he likes, why are you there my dear?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseowlE I think you are right on and he is playing games with me. Thank you!! Just curious though....Am i a boring or bad lay bc I refuse to do those “ kinky” things and because I get grossed out about uncleanliness? Thanks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): Thank you! Just curious...... an I a boring and a bad lay just bc I wont do those things he wants and bc I get grossed out about about uncleanliness? Thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): Well, it has now become a game of guilt-tripping and manipulation. If he won't talk to you until you do things you don't like to do in bed; then no-sex is even worse!
Maybe things have now gotten out of hand. You're taking the silent-treatment too personally; and you should just let him be. He'll get over himself. He's trying to twist this around; because he knows you can't stand it that he's not talking to you. Don't blame him for trying.
If he doesn't want kisses and hugs, and he wants you to do nasty little things you can't even compromise about. Maybe it's time for one of you to move.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo he still wont talk to me and pushes me away if I try to touch him or kiss him.....we still live together, I cook him food and clean and we go grocery shopping together.... I’m so confused!!!
He sent me a text a few days ago that said that he wont talk to me till the sex is good and I stop being so negative(by that he means I say no to things he tries to do to me in bed like anal intercourse or anal fingering or me giving him a rim job or me freak out about unhygienic things like in my original post). Also he said no sex unless I have some wine first so I can relax. I have only been with three men him included because I married young and was with him for a very long time so I know I am sexually inexperienced and immature but this?? I don't know what to do or think..... please advice me and give me your take on the situation....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 May 2019):
 YIKES! I checked your age, and I'm guessing he's a similar age as you? As in 41-50 years old?? If this is the case, then HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER! For a guy to initiate sex like THAT, and also to not practice the most basic of hygiene is just disgusting.
Don't worry about insulting him. You hit his ego, and that's why he's reacting the way he is. But he doesn't deserve to have an ego to wound if he doesn't take as much pride in his hygiene AND being a good and considerate lover as he does his own personal gratification, then he's disqualified from acting like the wounded lover.
You mentioned that he "has to go pee" in the middle of sex, which is an "older male" thing. He's sensitive about his penis performance, and that comment was the one that would have been as if he made a crack about your weight or if you had a loose vagina.
You should have a direct talk with him. Since it sounds like you two have been together for a while, he deserves to hear the truth from you that hygiene has to be stepped up, that he can't be having tantrums just because you were studying instead of at his beck and call to get his rocks off.
If he continues to call you crazy or not normal and always complaining (Omg You were COMPLYING with his wish to have a BJ! He's NOT ENTITLED TO ONE!), or defends his shitty lovemaking (pun intended! LOL) skills, then drop the guy. He is selfish and boorish in the bedroom, and that's not good. He's old enough to know better, and if he doesn't change, then he's not going to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2019): The whole thing is so adolescent and immature! There's playful, and then there's bordering on stupid behavior that is more annoying than seductive. Whipping out your johnny can be playful; but both parties have to be in the mood for such silliness.
If you see someone is reading, a sexy-mood doesn't always suddenly hit you like a ton of bricks! You're in a completely different mindset; unless it's a seedy explicit novel! Obviously, in this case it wasn't!
He apparently forgot to give it a shake and a wash before sticking it in your mouth! Most inconsiderate for sure, but when you come-off full-force and full of fury...you've got to give him some room to cool-off. He's more than just humiliated.
Some words cut deep, and are never truly forgiven. So you'll have to bide your time and hope for the best.
Women often resort to the verbal-method of seek-and-destroy; but what comes out of your mouth is hard to pull-back out of the air. Once it is audible, it hits his ears, and registers in his brain... voila...it's a memory! It will be filed-away with every other foul and emasculating comment you've ever made. When you hit below the belt, you better be ready for the responsive consequences!
Okay, everyone has expressed their anger in the matter. You were put-off by the clowning and sanitation issue; and he got scorched by your fury and scorn.
You should have immediately apologized on the spot; and it might have diffused some of the heat and hostility. Being sweet and cutesy after verbally hacking-off his testicles might not be very effective right-now. Apologize formally in his presence; then leave it alone. Don't expect sex to be too much fun for awhile; because he'll have total-recall or a flashback that could kill the mood. If he was being a big-child then; he'll be an even bigger child with hurt-feelings.
You were both childish, now wait it out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2019): He seems to be pushing sex on you and being selfish when intimate, as well as unhygienic. You also say hurtful things when riled up. You’re not right for each other and I don’t see how a friendship will work.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2019):
Well, I think YOU need to consider what you REALLY want here.
And if it is FRIENDSHIP, then you NEED to move out and see if HE wants friendship too. The whole wanting a relationship with him but without a MUTUALLY beneficial sex-life and respect is just not fair - ON either of you.
Now to his actions.
WHAT grown ASS man think that a women will go weeeee!!! When he pulls out his dick for "fluffing services"?
And what GROWN ass man DO NOT understand that IF you want a woman to have SEX with you, she needs to be TURNED on by you? She needs to feel DESIRED, not like a flipping blow up doll.
And WHAT grown ass man DO not WASH his dick before expecting a blowjob?!!
I can SEE why you two are not compatible, sexually. He seems to think PORN is reality. That a woman will go gaga over a hard on and immediately throw everything down to service him... I mean WTH?
He sounds like a sex pest, to be honest.
BUT.... I am also guess that he is TRYING to GET you to show that you are attracted and WANT him (sexually) and he is going about it in a really immature and well, pathetic way.
The whole women NEED to feel loved to want sex and men NEED sex to feel loved, kind of explain your situation a bit, perhaps? (not that it excuses his lack of hygiene or immature "porn brain settings").
Yes, you insulted his EGO, I get it... but what you said was true... And sometimes the truth hurts.
While you CAN apologize, I think you should also have a LONG talk about hygiene and boundaries.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 May 2019):
 The first thing you need to do is to stop leading him on. He is finally discovering that you aren't sexually attracted to him. You may as well confess and be honest about the relationship. Then he can decide for himself if he wants to be romantically entangled with a woman who only tolerates him.
After that his personal hygiene issues will quickly become "not your problem".
In short you have a right to be turned off by his carelessness. Many people would be. But, He has a right to honesty from you.
FA
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (28 May 2019):
Please do not ignore that fact that he called you crazy and not normal because he didn't clean himself properly before foreplay. You are not his sex slave and shouldn't demand oral sex in this way. He did not take into consideration your feelings at all.
Yes, you may have insulted him and brought up something you shouldn't have but both of you are acting very immature regarding this. Sit down and talk like grown ups.
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