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anonymous
writes: I am in a loving relationship with a wonderful man! We used to have a fantastic sex life and all of a sudden it seems to have slowed way down! I'm not too sure of the reason, just normal for a relationship I guess... The question is how do I get it back ? I have tried various things and now it seems that I have put too much pressure on and he feels like a performing seal, and it's got a bit torrid. We are having sex but its not like it used to be and I'm scared we have lost the spark. He spends a lot of time looking at porn and this upsets me. I even mentioned that he would prefer to look at that than have sex with me. It does make me feel unwanted. I have told him this, but he's told me it's not the case, it's just what men do.I really do want to get back on track as we are madly in love, but the sex part as become really complicated now and I'm scared of losing it altogether. How to begin to get us back, as I feel now that every time we have sex he's doing it just so that I don't put pressure on any more. Please help.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (27 March 2005):
 I think the best thing to do here is to simply stop trying. It seems you now have mismatched sex drives and his outlet has become porn. He does still want you as at the end of the day, these women that he watches aren't real, they are not competition. Saying that, he may not be too thrilled if you too was watching porn without him. Many women feel unwanted as a result of men watching porn and it causes many problems in relationships. Men are more visually stimulated but it doesn't excuse a man watching porn and not investing enough effort and interest in his own partner and sex life.You need to get back to basics and restore the intimacy and love in your relationship.Instead of having sex, suggest to him that you would like to cuddle and be close. Forget about sex for a while. I know this won't be easy and you won't lose your sex life but it is a way of taking the pressure off him.Suggest lying beside each other and just stroking each other's bodies, not necessarily for sexual pleasure but just to become reaquainted with each other in the intimate sense.The more you talk about sex to him and try various things that are of a sexual nature, the more you are likely to be putting the pressure on. You are going to have to suppress how you feel in terms of sex and remind him regularly how much you love him, want to be with him. Put the romance back into your relationship with things like candle lit dinners and little love notes. Make him aware that your ultimate goal isn't to make love with him but to be close to him.To get the spark back, you need to invest time and attention into other aspects of your relationship that are non sexual so that you can lead up to that in the end. Do the things that you used to do when you were first together, spend quality time together. Keep the lines of communication open.You love each other and things will come right in the end. Put effort instead into your relationship and that way you won't put pressure onto the sexual side of your relationship.I really hopes this helps. Good luck.
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