A
female
age
36-40,
*issystar
writes:Hi readers,I am in need of some advice and hopefully I can get it through those of you who are or have been in a similar situation as me.I am 22, and I am newly married for about three months now. We are in a love marriage and he is 29. We had a great wedding and we recently moved into our new apartment. We furnished it and we have pretty much settled in. I thought things were gonna be better for us, but the tables turned on me....We have been fighting alot in the past two months (almost every week) and things have gone from bad to worse.My husband started to hit and slap me, and this led to me having bruises all over my body, which are so visible that I get questioned by people how these bruises came about. Unfortunately, I don't know what to tell them. My parents are aware of this after I raised it to them, because I tolerated his physical abuses twice, after which I could not bear more. It also left me with nail scratches over my arms and for a week, I was unable to move my upper arm because of the way he twisted it. He also carried me and threw me roughly on the bed, and I overturned and fell on the floor instead. He choked my neck and I almost couldn't breathe because he was suffocating me. He whacked me hardly all over my body. I cried alot and begged him to stop hitting me, but he went on and on. That hurt so bad! I have not told anyone about this, not even my parents.He always apologises for hitting me after he realises his mistake but it happens all over again, the week after. It has come to a point where I can take no more. Two days ago, we had another fight and I started packing my bags to leave because I wanted to be away for a while, instead, he packed his and walked out from the house even before I could. He switched off his phone and he took mine along with him. The next day, I rang him up and after several attempts, he finally picked up and he told me I'm a B**** and told me to F*** OFF. I was so hurt! He took my phone away from me and he refused to return it to me. I called him many times but he ignored my calls and switched off his phone. I got so angry that I started to throw all the things he gifted to me before, all over the floor. I broke and tore each and every thing. The next day, when he reached home while I was at work, he saw all of it and packed up everything from the house and left and went back to his house.I tried calling him again and begged for him to return me my phone (I was going crazy without my phone because I had so many emails and messages to reply to) and because I was all alone at home without my phone and my laptop, I got depressed not being able to talk to anyone and that was driving me crazy.Last night, I called up his house and his brother picked up and told me he was at home. I took a taxi to his place, banged on his door and pleaded him to give me my phone back. I told him "that's all I need right now. Give me my phone and I will leave!" He threatened to kick me out of the house and he still refused to give me my phone back. He said "GIVE ME MONEY AND I WILL RETURN YOUR PHONE!" I replied saying No! I will not give you any money! And he said "I will SELL YOUR PHONE if you don't give me money!" That really hurt! How could he say something like that to me? How could he even think of selling my phone in return for cash? He recently renovated our room a little and he added some wallpaper to it, which cost him quite a bit, and he did not inform me he was planning to do that, and now he demands that I pay up for it. I feel it's completely unfair that he didn't discuss it with me but yet demands that I fork out cash for it.Recently he also started his old habit of gambling money on sports(which he stopped for sometime after making a promise to me that he would) and that led us to another big argument because he expects me to save up my money and not buy myself new clothes, or bags, but he has the guts to gamble his money. That I felt was so not fair. He expects me to deprive myself of little happiness and give him that money to gamble away? All our fights have been mainly because of money issues. My husband never came from a rich family and I was more well to do than him. I was aware of it - initially my parents were against this marriage but I fought for it thinking we would make a life and a home together, but he has started to change for the worse and I can't help but regret this stupid decision that I made to marry him and I even feel that if I was able to turn back time, I would have not gotten myself into this. This marriage is more of a torture than happiness for me!I do all my duties as a wife - I cook, wash, clean (all of which I never did when I lived in my parents home because we always had a maid since I was a kid) have a job, contribute to the house mortgage, I've learn to adjust but I don't think I deserve to be treated like this. He doesn't even help me with the little things. He says a man is tired and expects food and service when they come home from work - doesn't a WOMAN work and get tired and hungry too? Doesn't she bring in the income AND be a housewife too? WHO will be the one serving US then? He hogs on the tv after work while I'm in the kitchen cooking for him and when I ask to watch tv after I'm done cooking and cleaning, he refuses to let me watch my shows on my favourite channels. He tells me I should go to the bedroom and sleep instead so he can watch his shows. Do I not deserve to relax and take a break for a bit? Is it really too much to ask for? I can't take his physical abuses because it leaves marks and scars all over my body, and I am getting tired of his crap everyday. It never seems to stop and everyday is a living hell! I am regretting it so much and sometimes the possibility of a divorce runs through my mind....Please help me before I go crazy! Any advice or help will be much appreciated!Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): So you are more afraid of what people will think if you divorce, than of being murdered or getting your bones broken by your husband?? Wake up!! Be rational here!!
Every day you stay in this marriage you are risking your life. He has tried to murder you before. He could succeed any day. Please leave him immediately and do not let yourself get pregnant by him!! You still have a chance to escape forever from him.
You need to move out now (stay with your parents or friends) and divorce him and file a police report for assault and attempted murder. Document everything - every bruise, every strangulation incident, every doctors bill for injuries.
think about it. If he hit and choked some random stranger he would get arrested and jailed, right? Yet if it is you that he is trying to kill somehow it is not a crime anymore and is perfectly legal and ok? If you believe there should be justice then enact the consequences. Get divorced. And file police report against him.
Please also take some self defense classes and if it is legal where you live, carry pepper spray or mace on you at home and be prepared to use it on him. I know all men in Singapore are required to do military service and stay in the military reserves after that so he has had some training in hand to hand fighting which he no doubt uses to beat you up. You need to take self defense classes or you have truly no hope of surviving this marriage.
It is sad and terrible when you have to take self defense classes or arm yourself to protect yourself not against a robber but against your own husband. A husband is supposed to protect you not be the one to kill or main you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): How long were you dating before you got married? I'm just curious, did he completely change into this abusive freak after your marriage, did you never see this side of him before?? if the answer is indeed yes, then he is even more dangerous because not only is he crazy out of control psycho, but he is very capable of controlling himself and hiding that part of himself when it suits him. he knows exactly what he is doing (the abuses versus behaving like a normal person), and he chooses to do it.
I'm sorry but you really should leave him and get a divorce. Don't let your fear of what your community and family will think or say. People really don't care what you're doing with your life, they may care or gossip for all of 10 minutes and then they have their own problems and their own lives to focus on.
"He always tells me he loves me and he still wants to work things out with me. Sometimes he gives me little surprises like buying me a rose, or my favourite drink or food on the way home from work"
There are a lot of men out there who you could marry, who will do all these nice things like buying you a rose and telling you he loves you, and NOT abuse you at all not even once. my husband has never hit me not even once. My father never hit my mother not even once. Why not go for a man like that instead? Why let only half the "nice" requirements keep you with this freak? These nice things get canceled out completely when there is abuse especially when it's so violent.
don't believe him when he apologizes and cries and begs. if he was truly so sorry, there wouldn't have been a second time of abuse, let alone a third time and again and again. So really, he's lying.
Please educate yourself on domestic violence, because you are a domestic violence victim. Google "abusive cycle", you will see that practically ALL abusers apologize and cry and beg in between their abusing. It is a pattern that repeats over and over again, and ALL abusers do it, he is NOT SPECIAL just because he apologizes and cries the next day, all psycho abusers do it too. In fact it is very predictable that he will be very nice to you and beg you not to leave him. Just as it is very predictable he will abuse you again.
You see, I don't doubt that when he's apologizing, he means it at that point in time. However, his feeling of being sorry is only real during that short period of time when he's apologizing. that's why you believe him, because he looks like he really means it, and right at that moment he may. But by next day he no longer feels sorry anymore. That's the problem with abusers - they are not like normal people. They only feel sorry for a short time, and only when they stand to lose something like if you're going to leave. But once they get comfortable again, all feelings of remorse are gone and they once again start to hate everything about you and get crazy angry at you.
When an abusive spouse tells you they love you and need you, what it really means is that he needs someone to control and take out his anger on. Yes he needs you - but only in that way. A true love means you don't want to do anything to cause hurt or pain to the one you love. Abusive spouses don't love you, they just NEED you to play a role in their life but they don't actually care about you as a person or your feelings.
I have had friends in similar marriages like yours - same thing. Their ex husbands would hit them, then next day cry and beg if the woman wants to leave, and be all sweet and kind to her. So she stays, then a month later, BAM, again she gets yelled at, hit, pushed around, beaten. i had a friend who suffered this on/off/ abuse-apologize cycle for 20 YEARS. Finally after her husband hit her so bad she ended up in hospital for the second time that's when she finally left him, I helped her pack up and move out of her house. Please don't sit around for 20 years before you finally leave, you will waste your entire life. Worse still, your psycho husband may actually kill you or injure you so bad you may become disfigured or paralyzed for life. My friend is indeed disabled now because of her ex husband - one time a few years ago he pushed her down the stairs and she injured her neck from the fall and now she can't use her left arm properly. Still she stayed with him because he apologized and seemed so sorry and promised not to do it again. Then, 5 years later, he did it again and once again she was hospitalized and finally she left.
Please tell your parents what's going on. It takes a lot of work and energy to get a divorce, and even more so when your spouse is a violent nutcase. You will need other people to support you and help you. Don't keep quiet. It's great that you reached out here for help, you're a step ahead of many women in domestic violence situations. Now you need to get help from people in your community who are right there and can provide in-person help.
I really don't see what your dilemma is. You know that he will cry and beg you to forgive him and insist he loves you. Just as you know he will abuse you and hate on you again too. there are so many men out there who will love you and be just as nice but without any of the hate and abuse. But you'll never have a chance with any of them as long as you're married to this freak.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 He sounds like a classic abuser. Makes nice until he rages. Your safety should be your top concern. People will understand when you leave him. Don't stay for more violence. It will not get better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 Pardon my bluntness, but you are in NO dilemma at all- unless you are insane, or a complete fool.
So.. you believe his words ( " I love you " )...but you don't believe his actions ? ( beating you repeatedly to a pulp ). If there is something that SCREAMS " I don't love you, I don't respect you, you are just shit to me " is physical abuse !! And in your case, we are not even talking about a little slap in an off moment of frutration . We are talking about serious,heavy, frequent abuse.
A fat lot of good his roses will do to you , when you will be dead , or crippled. ( Yes, it is quite possible that thing go THAT wrong. The guy is out of control. )
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A
female
reader, missystar +, writes (26 July 2013):
missystar is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi guys, thanks for your advice. I do very much feel like leaving, but I am just newly married, and I am afraid to face the community I live in after I get a separation/divorce. He always tells me he loves me and he still wants to work things out with me. Sometimes he gives me little surprises like buying me a rose, or my favourite drink or food on the way home from work. Sometimes I feel like I want to forgive and forget, and move on, but it's so difficult because history always repeats itself. I always tell him that if he needs to fight with me, do it verbally, but he should absolutely cease his physical abuses. I have attempted to move out and live elsewhere, but he came home and stopped me, he cried and begged me telling me not to leave because he still loves and needs me, and that if anyone has to move out, it should be him. I am in such a dilemma!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2013):
You have to leave. You will be badly hurt by this man. Things can be replaced. Your life and your well-being cannot be restored if they are taken from you.
The rest doesn't matter. He is a violent man and you cannot stay with him and survive.
Leave today.
After only one month, things deteriorated and they will continue to deteriorate. "Love" has nothing to do with this abuse.
Leave now. Pack a bag, put as much of your valuables into it and LEAVE. Go to a trusted friend or your parents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): You MUST cease all contact with this man. Your life is in danger. I would be reporting the abuse to the police, get a restraining order and then start divorce proceedings, but this is where it gets dicey. When an abuser knows that you are planning on leaving them, they seek revenge, so you need to plan carefully what your next steps will be with your lawyer so that that he doesn't try to track you down and hurt you even more or kill you. You need to stay aware of your surroundings, look under your car, look in the backseat of your car for quite some time every time you decide to drive somewhere, look around the parking lots you are in. Just always stay aware.Since he probably has keys to the house, you need to get what you have out of there as quickly as possible before he returns and MOVE to another place and hopefully back to your folks for a while until you regain your footing.I would be telling your parents exactly what is happening. If you were my daughter I would have you move back in with me and take care of you and get you some counseling for what you have endured with the physical and mental abuse.Since your folks are well to do I don't think they should have a problem getting you a new cell phone or a laptop.I didn't have physical abuse (it was close), but I endured verbal abuse for years. It's not worth it to stay with these sick individuals.You need to LEAVE this man, get out of the house and move to a safe place and file for a divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): You are in an abusive relationship. You should leave immediately and not have anything to do with this man ever again. No matter how much he apologizes, do not go back to him. His abuse is more likely to get worse, and his lack of self control could lead to him seriously harming you.
A relationship is to be with someone that gives you love and kindness, and whom you give love and kindness to too.
The relationship you describe is NOT what a relationship should look like. Even if you love him, leave. Learn how to be in a real, healthy and loving relationship, and never settle for anything less.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 July 2013):
Dear OP, I am sorry that you have to go though this ordeal, but, really,... what advice do you expect ? what anybody could suggest , I wonder, other than simply : leave, it's over. Pack your stuff and go back to your parents if you need some time to sort yourself out emotionally and financially, but leave and leave asap.
All your long post, the gambling, the phone, the wallpaper, whatever...those issues are all cancelled and nullified by the fact that he hit you. In fact, he massacred you. He tried to choke you, he could have killed you , intentionally or by accident !
That's an absolute , ultimate deal breaker . There's no fixing that , there's no remedy, no matter how many times he says he's sorry . Realize that you have made a huge mistake, and most of all realize that you don't have to STAY in this mistake, and that if you should not even want to, if you care even a little bit about yourself.
Forget about the phone and the laptop, there are millions of phones and you can always get another one, but there is only one YOU and that is irreplaceable.
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A
female
reader, crazylady88  +, writes (25 July 2013):
You just answered your own question hunny... Get out why you can before your parents end up hearing news that any parent wouldn't want to hear! You can do so much better & deserve so much better.. He will say sorry time & time again.. Its just a word if he hits you repeatedly he is not sorry! He is a bully & a woman beater... Run for the hills why you still can!!! Xx
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